excuse brevity and grammar... It's been years and I swear that was my soulmate...every holiday...he cherished me...the best and most he could do...everyday and now...nothing...it seems as if any other man just looks at me like a cheap stuffed animal at a rinky dink carnival...something they excitedly win just to throw me in the back seat as soon as the carnival ends. Danggggg...i already feel as Lonely as the letter L..without the ....Onely. My husband had my name tatooed on his neck - who else is gonna do that. He loved me. I wasn't perfect...I guess I must have said or did something for God to just snatch him away...and keep my heart crushed for years up until now...I swear my face shows signs that I've aged more than I should have. All Alone and everywhere I drift I swear it seems as if I'm invisible. Why can't I get over this. Wishing it were as easy as gathering my keys and heading out the door like I have a non stop flight to hurry and catch to get to heaven...only it's like waking up on a Saturday thinking you are late for work only to be dumb founded that you even thought such thing realizing you don't have to work. Then I stop and realize I have no where to run to...no outlet...suicidal ideations leave me feeling cheated and abandoned. Especially, the loss of parents and family members. Feeling like I'm not valuable to be in this life with them. I don't deserve it. But then I think atleast I'm not blind or ill or in other types of pain...being alone is my human trade off....so then I try to accept that with being alive...but what's the point if the main thing to life is love of loved ones? Without them, what's the point of life....no need to try to figure how am I going to be an orphan at this point in life and create a whole new family. People don't make time and open up and let you in so from scratch this age in life.... Manifestations, positive affirmations...can't figure it out...crystals, powerful prayers, peaceful prayers, breathing all eludes me... when I think I'm making progress, it just turns into a mirage...not real...so I hope again to not wake up... okay....hum now what in life...may I sleep peacefully permanently. Need to maintain another piece of this life for another second.