I’m feeling very alone,

Your words are powerful & moving,
as always. I'm so glad you're moving,
to start anew, I went to my local
CHEERS like bar, where I feel welcome.
I have dinner there with friends, even
though I stopped drinking. As I told a
new member, Jim (one-man), a book
called The Widower's Notebook, a memoir,
by Jonathan Santlofer, speaks to me. It is
a chronicle of a 40 year marriage. It was
tough to read the 1st chapter, bc his wife
died suddenly in front of him. But, as I
dove into the book, I found humor in
Jonathan's relationships with people. I keep it by my bedside, and reread some
of the chapters. L

 

I am so glad you are getting out and about. I have not seen a Cheers bar in years! Did not even know they were still around. I loved that show. This life is such a journey with many twists and turns. I keep reminding myself that my husband no longer living in pain. He had so many surgeries since Nam. 2 brain bleed ones back to back being the last. I know when it is my time I will see him again. Speaking of alcohol, I had a beer and a half yesterday. My husband loved beer. When I bought the new place I wanted a beer for him.

Do you have any family near by?

 

I will be honest with you, bc I feel safe on
this site. When Linda died, she was my
best ( & ONLY) friend and family. I felt
suicidal, and took a cab to the ER, for
extreme bereavement, depression,
loneliness, and suicidal ideation. From
there, it was suggested by the kind ER
doctor, and the nurses ( who saw my
pain, & hugged me) to stay at a 5 night
small psychiatric unit. I went there by
cab, when a bed was available--- in the
middle of the night, Thanksgiving, 2018.
I'm so glad I did. There was no way I
would spend that holiday alone. When
I went out of my room ( I didn't sleep), I met the other 8 men & women there. It
was heartwarming to be with people
around a long table, where a turkey was
served. Upon discharge, I met with a
psychiatric nurse practioner/ grief
counselor, who gave me suggestions of
videos, articles, books, and websites like
this one. I decided to finally join now, bc I
don't want to keep talking about Linda's
death with my friends.

 

Hugs❤️❤️❤️. Feeling so alone is a overwhelming event. I am grateful one of my granddaughters was with me and my niece. My daughter did not come throughout it all. That was and is hurtful. My heart was hurting me, blood pressure shot up and had to go to the heart dr. Said I was ok but needed some tranquility for a short while to keep me from a heart attack. God has a master plan for me. I would like after awhile to sit with those passing in hospice that does not have anyone at their side to comfort them in the last stages of their life on earth. I had some family, pastors, friends for us during his time of passing. I am grateful to each and everyone. I am going through things my husband squirreled away in boxes bringing new tears of loss. Old pictures I never knew he had of us in some. I love him more…..I am grateful I had this time with this awesome man I call my husband. I am grateful for his goodness and love he gave his family. I had to do the hardest thing in my life of letting him go in hospice and watching the agonizing process of death. He was kept comfortable. But watching him go and knowing my life had thereafter changed when I saw him pass was over. I am left here on earth. He is above with our heavenly father. It was his time to go. This is such a great forum for those of us that have lost loved ones. One thing we all share is grief. Hugs…

 

You are a special person. I don't think I
could volunteer at a hospice center. But
what I can do is to offer comfort to people,
one on one, who are suffering in grief.
At the bar, I met a couple. The woman
looked sad, and started to cry, bc her
father had just died. I put my hand on her
shoulder & said I was so sorry. Then, I
told her about Linda, and both of us
cried quietly at the bar. When they
were leaving, I shook her hand, and said,
"It DOES get better". She nodded with tears
in her eyes. Her husband also shook my
hand, and said thank you. Linda told me
she wished to be cremated, to have a
very small funeral, and not to put her
name in the local obits. I granted her
wishes. A couple from the psychiatric unit
who had their own addiction & mental
health problems, came to the funeral. If
they hadn't come, I would have been
alone, with just the funeral director &
minister, who quoted Psalm 23. The
director played a tape of James Taylor,
singing "You've Got a Friend". My friends
and I cried. I don't see them anymore,
but I have a memorial, ( with Linda's
ashes) in my room. I requested only her
name ( no dates, bc her spirit is timeless) &
a lighthouse on it, bc we loved the sea.I don't look at her memorial everyday, but
it gives me comfort that her spirit is with
me. But, like you, Karen, & Jim, it is so
hard that our spouses are not here
physically so that we could tell them we're
OK. Lou

 

Matt, I am so sorry loss of your stepson. Reaching out to others whom understands is very important, glad you found this group. Lifting you in prayer along with all others here.

 

Thank you

 

I

 

I'm feeling alone, too. Struggling with the loss of my husband.

 

I understand, I’m so sorry for your loss.

 

YOU ARE SO BRAVE TO MOVE SO SOON, FINDING YOU, YES. I FIND ME LOST THE YEAR JACK WAS ILL THEN HOSPICE AT HOME. A 100% CAREGIVER.
I'S BEEN 10 MONTHS NOW AND I'M FEELING I NEED TO FIND ME AGAIN. HOPE YOU ARE SETTLED AND CONTENTED. PEACE, KAREN

 

TIFANY, HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOUR HUSBAND PASSED? SO SORRY. MY HUSBAND DIED OF CANCER 10 MONTHS AGO AND ITS BEEN HARD. KEEP ON THE FORUM WE ARE HERE FOR YOU AS WE UNDERSTAND. KAREN

 

Tifany,

I'm sorry for your loss. I understand the total heartbreak you're experiencing. My husband died in April of this year. I'm so glad you found us, but so sorry we have to "meet" under these circumstances. I'll be back when I have more time to "talk."

For now, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

To Lou, Deb, Patti, Carole, Robin, Jim, Matt, Tifany and everyone else on this forum. I just read The Poem by Gwen Flowers. Look up on Aug 31st posted by LivngWithGrace. I found it to be a different way to look at grief. I would love to hear your opinions and for the people who have gone beyond a year -- do or did you find this poem something that has help your journey? Thanks, Karen

 

To Connie too.

 

Karen,

My husband, (I'm finally able to say his name here) Bob, died five months ago today. Although I'm not that far into this miserable journey, the ideas expressed in this poem make so much sense. There is no way I'm ever going to forget him. Grief will always be a part of my life. I know this, but as I've said before, even if I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, I still would have said "I do." I've been blessed, and forever grateful, for each and every day, I got to spend with the love of my life...

As I told Lou in another post, part of the reason I wasn't able to say Bob's name, is because it just made his death all the more "real" to me. In my head, I knew he was never coming home, but in my heart, I didn't want to believe this, I couldn't believe this. I think I might be one step closer to acceptance because today is the first day I've been able to say his name, Bob, on this site. It made me cry when I first mentioned this to Lou, and it's making me cry now...

I'll never be the me I was before Bob died. His death has forever changed who I am. In some ways, I think I've become a better person because of his death. I always knew that life was a gift, but now, I appreciate life so much more. I always tried to try to help others get through difficult situations the best I could, but now I feel that it is part of my purpose, part of my reason for still being on this earth, to help others who have been forever changed by the death of a spouse, move forward in their grief journeys.

I'm slowly learning to live my life without Bob, here, beside me. It is a very lonely process. I still have a long way to go. I hate this "new" life that's been handed to me, but at the same time, it's the one I've been given, and I want to make the best of it. I want to make Bob proud of me. I know he wants me to be happy. I will try to do everything I can, to find some sort of happiness again (although I can't imagine this right now). I like to think Bob is watching over me, and if he is, I hope knowing this, would make him smile, knowing how hard I'm trying to make the rest of my life, as good as I possibly can, without him, here, by my side.

I'm not sure if I answered the question you're asking us, but "talking" to you, sharing my feelings, has made me feel a bit better. Thank you for "listening."

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

I truly understand about not wanting to say his name, Bob. My husband name was John goes by Jack. I'm okay with Jack, but he had so many nicknames from family I can't even say these names, but here it goes hoping to find some peace repeating them. He went by BJ, Jackimann, Pops, Jackson, Jay, Jackie, Babe. This is choking me up, but since you mentioned Bob's name I thought I'd better release my mind, if that even works.

You mentioned helping others. I think our focus for so many years was 24/7 with our husbands, now we have to re-direct our thinking in other ways. I, too, have become more forgiving and caring for others. I've started to look up old friends I haven't seen for 30 years. I guess I'm desperate to find a purpose to all of this and as you said, "His death has forever changed who I am". So true. Who are we now? Where will destiny take us?

I lost my son age 49 Sept 2019, then 1 1/2 years Jack became ill, lost him Nov 2020. I'm really a mess losing both. They sit in their urn next to each other waiting for me.

Jack died at home with hospice for two weeks. As Lou said, "Survive rs Guilt", of all the times I was with him in the living room in his hospital bed caring for him, loving him, he passed away while I was in the kitchen. Oh, how I wished I was with him holding his hand. The worst was when they came and zipped him up in the white gurney sack I knew he was gone.

I have to believe their spirits are here with us helping us move trough our grief so that someday we can smile, and laugh with less pain. Their memories will always be with us until we meet again.

I enjoy reading everyone's e-chats. Like I said to Lou my arm is still achy is why I don't type here much, but today I sure did. Take Care Deb

 

Karen,

My heart goes out to you... I'm so sorry... I didn't know you lost both Jack and your son. I can't even begin to imagine losing one of my children, then losing Bob, especially so soon after losing a child... Hugs...

Thank you for sharing Jack's nicknames with me. I hope, with all my heart, that this is a positive step forward for both of us... I had to reach for a tissue as soon as I mentioned Bob's name again today. I can't stop the tears... I wish I had something more positive to say, but I feel like the more time that goes by, the worse I'm feeling.

I would have done anything to have been allowed to be with my husband while he was dying, but the doctor wouldn't let me see him. Bob died alone... I can't imagine the thoughts that must have been racing through his mind right before he lost consciousness and they stuck a tube down his throat. He knew he was having a heart attack, as soon as he told me he was having chest pains, I'm positive he knew it was the beginning of the end. (He was told after his first heart attack, February 3, 2009, that there was no way he could survive another one.) I remember running into the hallway, screaming for help. I tried to go back into the room where Bob was, but the doctor wouldn't let me. There are no words to describe how helpless..., out of control..., powerless I felt. Rationally I know I shouldn't feel guilty about not being with Bob at the very end. I'm trying to accept this, but it's very difficult. There is no way you could have known Jack was going to pass away while you were in the kitchen. I wish there was something I could say to make us feel less guilty over this, but all I can tell you is that I understand how you feel.

I can't imagine how horrible, seeing Jack being zipped up in that white gurney sack... I can still see Bob, wrapped in a white blanket, the tube still down his throat..., gone. I don't think I'll ever be able to erase this image from my mind. If only I had that magic wand, to erase these images from both of our minds...

I believe that Jack and Bob are watching over us, that everyone else's spouses are watching over them. I have to believe this. If I didn't believe this, I'm not sure how I would make it through tomorrow.

I know it's very difficult for you to type so much, and I want you to know how much I appreciate you typing this.

Miss you... Looking forward to the day your arm is finally pain free!!!, and you'll be able to "talk" to all of us more often.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB