Husband died alone

This summer my husband of 23 years passed away alone at the VA hospital. I hate that I wasn't there for him, only face time. He had been ill, but we had every reason to believe that he was coming home after being in the hospital for 3 weeks. He was doing very well and then suddenly got pneumonia and passed a few days later. I have so much sadness and anger, I feel like the hospital did not take good care of him, or listen to me in that last 4 days. The day before he passed it took 15 hours of me calling every extension in the hospital before I could talk to a doctor. He was just getting sicker and sicker and they wouldn't let me in. I feel like everyone is moving on and I keep being so sad that it is all I can do to get through the day. We are back to working from home and it is days of being alone with his things and I don't think I can take a whole winter of this. I am not sure if what I am feeling is normal, all I do know is that I am miserable and it doesn't seem to be getting better.

 

Tracey, everything you’re feeling is very normal. I’m so sorry for your loss, sorry you weren’t allowed to be by his side where you belonged. The feelings you have, the sadness the anger the pain, loneliness is all so normal. Your loss is very recent, your life has been turned upside down, nothing feels like it used to. I’m guessing you’re having trouble sleeping, eating, concentrating and so many other things. I’m dreading the winter just like you, in the summer months we can get outside breath fresh air and get our blood circulating, in the winter it’s harder but still try to get fresh each day. I understand how you feel working from home, not around people and seeing all his things. This pandemic has really made things so much worse for everyone but those of us grieving it has set us all back so much, it’s difficult without a pandemic to move forward. My loss was so sudden I went into a state of shock. It’s 2 years for me, I’m in a better place then I was the first year, I don’t cry every single day I can listen to his favorite songs and I can think of a memory and smile most the time. The holidays are extra hard. I hope you have family and friends giving you support and visit this site often, it very helpful. Read and share thoughts and stories.
Know that you’re not alone, and people here understand. Remember to take care of you, you’re important.
Sending you hugs.

 

Thank you so much for responding. I don't have much family here, and mostly they are busy. My daughter is a rock, but she is the director of a community health organization in the middle of a pandemic, and missing her father, so I am trying to not lean too hard. I just feel like I am a totally different person these days, I miss him and our life so much. I will try to get out more often and really, I should try to sleep some time, that has been the hardest thing. This site has already been so much help, I read some articles and peoples stories and at least don't feel so stupid for not having it together.

 

You are definitely not alone, and not stupid in the slightest. You’re missing your life partner, everything you mention is normal. Every single thing we do reminds us of our wonderful life that we miss so much. I totally understand not wanting to lean on your daughter. However, as you mentioned she misses her dad as well. What Ive learned from going through this process is that talking helps tremendously. She might be a good person to talk to about the loss, what a wonderful person he was/is, memories etc. showing the love you each had for the person you each miss so much. Getting thoughts out and talking is very helpful.
We do become different people, a part of us is missing. My husband and I ran a business together, we were together 24/7 I didn’t know how to act. For me, listening to music he enjoyed was very hard or watching his favorite movies. Certain things set us off. But I’ve gotten stronger and you will too. Give yourself time. I didn’t trust myself to drive for a long time, my mind was in a fog. I’ve lost a lot of weight and sleep is so hard. My biggest support is my daughter, she has a stressful job and I’m careful how much I lean on her too. But she misses her Dad and we help each other.
I didn’t find this site until it was almost a year, I was not in a good place. But the people on here have been enormous help. I give this site and the people on here credit for helping me to keep moving and realizing we’re all feeling the same. It’s like a warm hug, realizing we’re not alone.

 

Hi Tracey, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can relate to what you're feeling, my husband passed in April and I was not allowed to be with him until it was too late. I also was angry at the doctors and hospital for not listening to us in looking for the real cause of his illness. I've been working from home and can relate very well to being in the house alone with all the memories, his stuff every where I look or turn. It's comforting yet a very stark reminder that he isn't here anymore. Everything you're feeling is similar to what I've felt and I'm sure what others have felt as well. Just try to take it day by day, even hour by hour. I can say that at 7 months out I'm different than I was at 1 month or even 3 months, it's not necessarily better but I'm able to be more myself. There is a fog we're in after losing someone, I call it grief brain, it's a real thing and there's shock that lasts quite a long time. Your life was shattered and now changed, the misery you're feeling is very normal. We're all here to share and to understand that we're not alone in these feelings. Hugs to you

 

Thank you Dee. Did you get over the anger? That has been the hardest part, and it seems that all my feelings are tied up in the pandemic. I was such a cheerful person before and always believed that people did the best they could with the tools that they have. Now I am enraged when people don't wear masks, when they act like older people are expendable, when they think the death rate is the only cost. I can't get the over the image of Mike on FT, scared, looking to me for answers and the only thing that ever helps in knowing that hundreds of thousands of families are experiencing the same feelings. I feel like my whole view of the world has changed, and not for the better. I don't like this side of myself at all.

 

It's tough, Tracey. I've gotten over the anger because I know the doctors and nurses were in a very difficult place themselves doing the best they could. I am angry that there is a pandemic and that I couldn't be there for my husband. We had spent all our time together, he had a chronic illness and whenever he was in the hospital I was always there with him, oftentimes staying in his room with him. It has crushed me that I was not able to be there with him. I pleaded with the doctors to let me visit him but they would not alter the rules. I see the world differently too, I'm sure all of us who've lost our spouse do. Losing someone during the pandemic is a double whammy. The usual things one goes through when someone is very sick and in the hospital are not afforded us. Basics like visiting the person, seeing them, touching them, giving them comfort and being their advocate in person were taken from us. That is the worst, like being shackled to watch from a distance—I will always feel that. It's not so much anger, just grief and sadness now. I think I have accepted the fact that we cannot know when or why things happen.

 

I want to thank both you ladies for responding so quickly and empathically. I was feeling frantic with grief and loneliness that night, you were able to help me calm down and get back to business, while being more gentle with myself. I am also so sorry for what you have experienced. I don't know when I won't be angry, but the last two days I was calm enough to find some happy memories and I am really grateful to you.

 

Hi Tracey,
I know exactly where you're coming from, and thank you for not making me think I'm crazy. I lost my dear husband 10 days ago to a rare, sudden illness, and the anguish and agony I've been experiencing since he fell ill on Thanksgiving is causing me to want to lose all hope of ever going on. The memories are painful. Living is painful. Every text/email message a painful reminder of my loss.

I am working so very hard at envisioning him in a beautiful, serene place where he is living in constant joy (with our dog), but my brain won't stop screaming at me that he is no longer here with me. How am I ever going to learn to live without him? I feel inside that I am dead, that if his came to me and asked me to give up my life I wouldn't hesitate to say yes.

 

I know Maggie, it's so hard. I can say that it comes in waves now that it has been six months. It is not always better, but it is not so raw, at least not all the time. The ladies who replied to me helped me see that it is okay to feel awful, I am skipping the holidays and not feeling bad about it. I miss Mike every day, I cry almost everyday, but sometimes I laugh too. The first 2 months, I can't even really remember. I don't know how you can live without him, but I think I know that you will figure it out. You don't have to figure it out today. I keep thinking that people survive this all the time and just try to have faith that we will too.

 

Maggie, so very sorry for your loss. This is still so raw for you, I believe I was in shock for close to 3 months feeling all the same things you're talking about. I could not bear me still being "here" with him "there", the sense of it, how I could possibly continue on. But I have by just getting through each day, one foot in front of the other—it's now coming up to 8 months. I still feel the same things you describe it's just not as constant. I still live day by day and only plan one or two goals for myself to get through the day or several days, then the week. And sadly, I keep saying to my husband, "one day closer" then at the end of the week, "one week closer to you". I don't know if I should write that but it kind of helps me understand that I'm still "here" on earth but that I'll be with him again when my time comes. Meanwhile I try to keep going for me and for him. It's hard, really hard. There is nothing easy about this. I feel there should be more awareness and help out there for people who have lost their significant other because it's so completely shattering. This site has helped me greatly see that I'm not alone or strange in the feelings and thoughts I have. Be kind to yourself, know the feelings and thoughts you have are a normal part of grief. Sending hugs

 

Dee Kay,

This, what you wrote, is exactly how I view my world now: "And sadly, I keep saying to my husband, "one day closer" then at the end of the week, "one week closer to you". I don't know if I should write that but it kind of helps me understand that I'm still "here" on earth but that I'll be with him again when my time comes".

No need to apologise; that is the one positive point I focus on continually. I even sought out the online Death Clock and it told me I would die in nine years' time. I rejoiced when I read that, sorry to say. I'm only in my 50s and I would consider taking my own life if it were not for my cats, but this is not their fault, they're grieving too, and if they wound up at a shelter it would be incredibly selfish of me to do that to them.

But the pain is so intense. I wish it would just go and take a hike for a mere five minutes. It's unrelenting. Even in my sleep it haunts me. I've been on Zoloft for four days now and am anxiously awaiting it to have an effect....

 

Hello Tracy I kind know how you feel it soon will make a 1 year on 1/3/21 and I tell you I dread that day I hate the 3rd of any month now because it brings me so much pain and heartache. I still cry and sometimes i cry so hard it makes me sick and knowing my Morgan never liked to see me cry i hear say come on Juicy you cant do that you know stress can give you a MS relapse come on now please stop. I swear I hear tell me that and then I cry harder because hes not here with me. I pray that God gives us healing we need to go on and live even though our loved ones aren't here I believe they would want us to live on. Peace n Love

 

Hello Dee Kay I must say I too feel as you do. This type of pain takes your breathe away it can be so suffocating also if it wasnt for my daughter i tell you i really dont know i truly feel at times I may have a nervous breakdown. I'm in Ga. right now with my daughter as she is closing in with her Breast Cancer crisis and shes doing very good , but Lord I just cant wait to go back to Syracuse although I know my Morgan is not there in the physical sense o know hes there I know hes there and I just want to be close to him there. I know that may sound crazy but I just wanna be close to him there I wanna lay on his pillow to smell his scent i wanna smell his clothes wear his bathrobe I just wanna be close to him that's all. Peace n Love to you and please keep in touch with me and post anytime we are all in this together.

 

I try to do the same thing. Is my husband with God? Is he at peace. He deserves to be. I wait for some answers but feel like there won't be any answers coming. And yes, the memories are painful because they are so good.

 

Good Sunday Morning I know how you feel and I know it's hard. I pray that my Morgan is at peace now and I have to believe that because he died in his sleep no suffering and somehow he passed away on my side of the bed on my pillow so that gives me solace that hes at peace and keeps helps me to go on. I wish God gives you and all of us that is suffering with this kind of pain that he gives is strength and the healing we so desperately need.