How do you grieve over an ex without destroying your new relationship?

I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years now. In April, my ex passed away suddenly. We’d been together for almost 8 years and raised his son together. His family blames me, and have completely cut me out (they won’t even tell me the funeral details, that’s if it’s not already been held). I have no one to talk to and I think my grief is destroying my current relationship. My ex was so special to me. We got out of the military together and started a new life together. We split because of in-law problems (just to WAY simplify it) and I regretted it for a long time. My mom tried to be strong, “Just move on honey” she says, but I don’t think she regrets it. I’m an emotional wreck when I stop to think about it, and only just noticed that I have been self medicating with/and abusing alcohol and I think it’s starting to really hurt me. I miss him so much, and I don’t know how to grieve the loss of someone who was so Spector me, without completely ruining my new relationship, with some I love also. Has anyone else experienced this? I could really use a friend.....my heart feels like it’s being ripped out of my chest sometimes. I didn’t get to talk to people who knew him and share stories and pictures, or “grieve” properly and I don’t know how to navigate this.

thanks

 

I’m sorry, but I meant to say “my mom tries* to be strong..but I don’t think she gets* it”.

 

My brother died suddenly going on 2 weeks ago and i have been living in a bottle as well im sorry to hear about your loss like my cousin told me it's ok to grieve. Then the healing process starts it like a cut and after it heals u c a scar that will always b with u but just try to remember you have to think of you to and your family i know your heartache

 

I'm really sorry for your loss. Does his family wish you were still together the reason they blame you? Blaming you is really pushing it to far. Sometimes people put blame on others when they feel some type guilt for what happened. No one can really tell you what to do because we all grief differently. I say to talk to your boyfriend or mom which ever you trust most. You need to definitely talk your feelings out. I'm here for you if you just need someone to talk to. Praying you have strength to get through this.

 

It sounds as though you are doing a disservice to your current relationship. You aren't over your previous relationship and that is unfair to your new partner. You also aren't being fair to yourself. We can "divorce " a mate but that doesn't mean we're over them. I almost lost the man who truly loved me pining over a man that loved himself more than he ever loved me or his children. It took a serious illness to realize what I had right in front of me. Trust me, I'm not saying it's easy because it isn't, but it can be done. I hope you find peace.

 

Th

Thank you for taking the time to read this and respond. I’m sorry about your brother, but I know the “I’m sorry”’s seem arbitrary after a while. Your response brought a lot of comfortable to me. And though I don’t really know what to say, I just want to express gratitude to you. Thank you

 

Not at all. His family blames me for (I think an identity crisis, similar to a mid-life crisis) that he went through. I think he sort of spun out a little, didn’t handle his emotions or the transition well, and they think it drove him to his accident. They hate me and feel like I betrayed him. I guess I understand that, everyone grieves differently, especially if you’ve lost a son or big brother. I really appreciate you responding also. It helps a lot knowing they’re are people out there that can relate...I was starting to feel very isolated, I think. I’ll try talking to my mom I think....but it does suck grieving alone. Thanks again for reaching out.

 

I think you’re spot on. But the thing that makes this so difficult for me is that I didn’t realize I hadn’t gotten closure. And he was reaching o to me before he died, but I was trying to “do right” by my current boyfriend by not responding. And when I finally did call, I was 3 days too late. I sent a message to him that still sits in his inbox, unopened. I don’t normally go on like this about things so dark and depressing...but I’m trying really hard to learn how to navigate this. I’m 30, and he was only 33 when he passed. I’ve never lost someone so close to me before, so that adds another layer to complicate things. He was the longest friendship I’d ever had (I moved around a ton as a kid, and then adult, so I never had close relationships). It’s so messy. But I really love and appreciate your transparency and being able to offer me that perspective...it really helps and I’m sure I’ll come to peace with a lot when I’m meant to-right? I think that’s how the process of grieving works...

 

Yes!!! All healing takes time and you WILL find some peace somewhere inside when it is time. I hope your new love will be patient as you go through this process. It isn't easy for either of you. Think of what your new relationship has brought to your life after your break up and treasure that. I don't mean to diminish what you had with the other person because that relationship served a purpose as well. If we are lucky, we learn from every relationship we enter. As I have gotten older, I realize that the saying "to everything there is a season. Some people come into our lives to teach us a lesson, then they leave, job done." Wishing you peace on your journey.