I sit here and think about how different my life has become. I look at things so differently now. I use to be able to get through my day not thinking of anything other than what bills had to be paid. I never had to wonder if I was important to anyone or if the person I was with loved me, wanted to be with me or if they would always be there. Then the unthinkable happened and my life was shattered, and I now question everyone and everything. I'm always thinking negatively, wondering if the people in my life are going to stay or leave. I even question if I deserve to be happy. After losing my husband of 16 years, I met an amazing man that cares about me and loves me, and all I can think about is if or when he'll leave me or will I end up losing him the way I lost my husband. I love this man very much and my life was starting to look up. I was smiling and laughing again. He made me so happy and I wanted to be with him so much that I moved to a different state with him. A few months after moving into our own place I ended up pregnant with his child. I hadn't been pregnant in 18 years and I was shocked and scared, but that soon turned to joy and excitement. We were so happy together and things were going really well. I actually thought things in my life were getting better. Then a few weeks after finding out I was pregnant, I ended up having a miscarriage and once again I was shattered. The lose of my baby brought back the pain from losing my husband and added more pain and sadness to my heart. I don't know how to handle the grief from either lose and I'm starting to push away the only person I have by my side right now. I feel as though I have let him down and I'm always thinking he is going to leave me. I often ask myself why he would want to be with someone who is broken and finds it difficult to be happy. I want to be happy and I want to be with him, so why do I keep doing things that I know will end up pushing him away? How can I get past this? I'm not even sure I know how to be completely happy anymore, and I feel myself spiraling into a deep depression dragging him down with me. I don't want that for him, yet I don't want to lose him either. I don't know what to do anymore or how to move on.