My dad died suddenly of cardiac arrest in 2017, and my mom died five days before Christmas of pulmonary hypertension. I was her caregiver for years and she was my best friend. Every day, I wake up pissed off that I’m still alive. I don’t know how to live in a world without her. I have a therapist who is great and I will probably start attending an in-person support group in a few weeks, but I feel like these are just stopgap measures in between long stretches of unbearable pain. I cry every single day, have called the suicide hotline multiple times, (I don’t have a plan or intentions of killing myself, but life hurts). She left with high medical bills and no will or life insurance. The bureaucratic hurdles I’m having to deal with are just making everything worse. I’m hanging on by a thread, and feel a bit unsafe, because in the past when I got depressed, suicidal thoughts could be dismissed with “I can’t do that to my mom.” But now that she’s not here anymore, I feel if I get worse, there will be nothing stopping me. Again, not at that point now, but I fear for the future because I don’t feel any relief from the pain. I just wish I could be with her again.
I’m so sorry for my hear multiple losses and financial challenges. I’m glad you are seeking help with an I. Person support group. I have wanted to do the same but I cannot yet since I’ve had a busy schedule. Caregiving was my life for my mom before she passed. I still struggle with guilt for not watching her closer on the day she fell in a greenhouse. That was the beginning of the end for her. She was so fragile afterwards and never was able to walk right again and passed away within two months. If you have a belief system maybe that can provide a source of support. I hope things get better and I’m glad you are reaching out here.
Hi, your writing really touched me. My mother died recently. She was the world to me. I am having so much trouble adjusting. Often the pain does become so intense that you want to escape from it in any way possible. I’ve thought about what hurting ourselves would do to our mothers. We have no way of knowing what happens when someone dies, where they go, what they become. Even if there is no afterlife whatsoever, hurting ourselves is like an affront to all their incredible hard work raising us to be smart strong people. Harming ourselves harms their legacy and what they worked so hard to build. I think trying to be as healthy and happy as possible is what they would want, but I agree- at times it’s nearly impossible.
I recently finished a book that really helped me. It talks about grief as a transformative process. I will upload a photo of its cover. I got it from my local library.
I agree that we all have thoughts of "why are we still here" when a person we loved so much isn't. The financial hurdles you are facing does not make it any better. I remember going to Social Security after mom passed. The woman at the counter was robotic, cold. I had woken up ready to face the day and accomplish stuff. Left there and came home and didn't do squat.
uplate6674, While I cannot offer any advice at this point as I am freshly grieving the loss of my only surviving family, my mom, yesterday morning, I will say that I understand what your are saying and feeling completely. Our situations are very similar. I am a 52 year old male who took care of my invalided mother with mid stage dementia for years now. We moved to a new state together, and since I provided 24 hour a day care, I have no friends, other family etc. to lean on. I am truly alone, with no one in my world to help with the grieving or to comfort me. My mom and I were very close, and she was my best friend. As her caretaker, I felt very much like both her child and her parent. The loss is profound and devastating. No matter how much you think you have prepared yourself for the death of a loved one, you are not truly prepared. The fact that they are gone for ever can't be fully felt until it happens to you. And then sadly it is too late to tie up any loose ends, or brace yourself for the aftermath. I know you feel utterly and totally alone. But you are not. I'm hoping this give some small degree of comfort and motivation to press onward under the "misery loves company" approach. Feel free to contact me, and we can cry on each other's shoulders. Michael.
I apologize for the spelling snafus in my last post. I'm very much in zombie mode right now, as I'm sure that you can relate. I wanted to add that the worst time for me is late at night, when the loneliness and sense of loss truly engulfs you full force.
Michael, thank you for your kind words. I never got to sleep last night because every time I turned out the lights to go to sleep, I thought about my mom. For some reason, I keep fixating on the fact that she was cremated on Christmas Eve. It disturbs me that I’ll never have a really happy holiday season again.
You and I have loads of regrets about how our loved ones died as well. From what I am hearing, everyone does. If only we could go back and redo everything, right? I don't know why, but because my mother and I had such a strong connection, including a psychic one, I somehow expected that I would feel her presence and or get a sign from her that all is OK, and that there is hope. But when someone dies, it is like the light switch is turned off. They are with you one minute, and the next, nothing. Her death has left the house feeling completely empty. I doubt you or I will e sleeping soundly for quite some time, which is the opposite of what is needed. Part and parcel of this horrid experience. Being alone and without a family to turn to is so much worse. I'm really struggling with this, and trying to find a reason and the means to carry on. The night time is the worse. It feels like you are stranded in space all alone and adrift. The only consolation for us is the knowledge that we are going through very similar circumstances. Surely there must be some benefit in seeking out others going through all of this, and supporting one another I'm trying to find a local support group to join. Not having much luck with that. I wish that I were back in my hometown of Dallas, TX so that I had more resources to draw from. Being in the company of others, face to face seems like it would offer some degree of comfort that is sadly missing right now. More so to me than some one on one concealer. My only motivation to hang on and persevere is the hope that there is an afterlife, and my departed family will meet again. My mom believed that with all of her heart, and I don't want to bungle any chance of that happening due to my own weaknesses and mistakes. As I mentioned, because our situations are so similar, we can relate a bit more than those who have experienced a loss, but do have a support system of friends and family to depend upon. If you need a shoulder to cry on, and someone to bounce experiences and ideas off of, you can contact me. I would like to do the same with you and others to whom this thread strikes a familiar chord. Even though it feels as though we must right now, there is no reason for any of us to go this all alone. I'm hopeful of that.
