It’s been 12 weeks today since my wife Mary died of cancer. I decided to try something new and joined a new gym. Things went OK, I had a good workout. Then I started back to the house. The tears flowed as I tried to decide, is it a house or a home I’m going to. Mary made it a home for me, now I think it’s just a house. A place to remember, a place to cry, a place to sleep. Without her here it’s just a big empty shell, and so lonely. I know I shouldn’t rush into selling the place! It holds memories and that’s OK, they are good ones. I feel no joy here because I only think of her. Why is she not here to greet me when I get home? That’s what I think about every day after work. She made the best cornbread, I miss it so much. I would come in from work and I could smell it. She put jalapeños, cheese and corn in it. I watched her make it many times but I can’t figure out how to do it. My life is so empty without her. I think of the hugs she would give me when I got home, oh so good. No more hugs and I just cry. This house is so empty without her, her presence made it the home it was. I find it hard to come up with a reason why I should come back here every day. I should just get in my vehicle and drive the other direction. For some reason I can’t do it, I feel she is waiting for me! Of course I get here and she’s not here, it’s just this big empty house. How can I it be a home again without my Mary?
Woodman I understand every word you are saying, I am having the same issues and questions. I feel I need to get home because that was my usual routine, but she's not there to greet me with dinner cooking. and no hugs. I wondered the same about is this a home or just a house because she made it the home it was for us. I also thought about selling the place but this grief will follow me whenever and wherever I go. I miss her and our life so very very much! My decision so far is to stay in our home that we made together, it has a few hard memories but mostly it holds our best memories and they help me get through; the tears still fall more than not but that is part of it too. I see her everywhere I look and a few times it has actually has made me smile. Yes my bed is empty at night but that is when I talk to her the most, I found that it helps me to get out the grief and frustration from the day of her being gone, also with tears flowing. I usually pray at this time too. I also feel no joy at home or anywhere, my joy is just gone! I hope to one day get a little of it back because I know she wants me to live life and be happy again and i do hope it can happen again but it's very hard to even imagine right now. I will stay in our home to work this through even with her surrounding me all the time, because eventually I will have to start" and this is hard to even think about" but I will eventually have to start getting rid of her clothes and other things to eventually downsize; of course there are a lot of things I'll be keeping but it will be part of moving on with life as she wants me to do. Maybe I'll sell the house later in life after I have come farther along and maybe feel a little more normal, but hard to sell at my age when the house is paid off. I am in no way trying to convince you of what you should do, we are two different people going through similar things in life right now. This is the hardest damn thing I have had to deal with in my entire life; I can only do the best I can while trying to keep my sanity. Who knows, I may change my mind tomorrow. All I can do right now is to try to get through the death of my angel. Woodman I hope you can find some answers that will work for you, at least in the short term. I know how the ghost of their memories surround us at all times. Only you can decide how you can work through it. You trying the new gym may the first step.
I've had that discussion with myself many times. I think I came to the conclusion that its just a home with lots of memories. In fact, we had made a decision to move and actually made and offer and put down some earnest money (and forfeited - another story). We were not even downsizing - moving out of a two story to a large rambler. We knew her cancer could come back but went forward anyway. I kept reading about not making financial decisions the first years but for all the reasons we wanted to move - they were still valid for me. I purchased some land and decided to build and it looks like next week, they will finally start. Our current house is knick knack friendly and my wife decorated to the max. The house I'm building has very little storage for knick knacks and this is by design (after having dusted several times). I've been s-l-o-w-l-y getting rid of of things I absolutely have no space for. Here is the kicker - my friends think I should have bought a townhome or condo. I happen to like yard work and I'm not ready for sr. home - yet! I also wanted to be close to my family. If I don't like it, I can always sell it and to something different. I may not be packing many of her physical belongings and yes, knick knacks but I will have tons of memories that I'm taking with. I'm 8 months from the day she left and it still is difficult to think beyond tomorrow. Like you, the first thing I did was join the YMCA and I try to exercise 3 times a week. As you stated in previous posts, all the projects and tinkering we do just seems so insignificant. After I cut the grass, she would always come out and sit with me while I had a beer - I really miss our conversations. I don't dwell as much in the past especially the "what if" scenarios as we both gave it everything we had. The hardest part for me is knowing our memories together have ended. I try to stay busy as that seems to help but being retired means more hours to fill everyday. I look around and all I see are couples and more couples. I just don't quite fit in anymore. I don't know what the future holds and I really don't think about it that much. I just kind of let each day play out and will see where I'm at after the first year. We now have a new normal and all of us our trying to figure out how fit in.
I have the same feelings about house or home. Its only been 8 weeks since my husband passed. He had been sick a long time with cancer. I won't make a decision for one year about moving. I have just gone back to work. The world around me is changing so quickly it hurts. People are retiring at my my job, business have closed or reopened as something else. I love it here but it is very remote and I hate feeling so alone. I have no idea what to do with me. I miss him so much.
I still try to keep the house looking just like Mary would want. It is really hard knowing that she can’t appreciate what I’m doing. I can only hope she’s looking down and giving me a thumbs up. No matter how much I work on it I cannot make it home again without her. It’s simply a house that has to be cleaned.
