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Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Mary0128, May 10, 2018.

  1. Barry

    Barry Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you missed out on your beach day. Time with your grand babies is always a great idea and quiet time is good for you. I'm proud of you for your beautiful, positive attitude. That's the way we have to look at our new, future life. I had a wonderful 25 years with my sweet Peggy and tons of great memories! We raised two beautiful daughters and had so much fun. All the while being so in love with each other. It was easy to believe in would go on forever. Stay focused on the good stuff and remember you never know what's ahead in life. Peace, love and kindness to you.
    Thanks for posting.
  2. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    He sounds like a great guy and like you had a great marriage. I lost my husband on July 17 of this year to cancer - so I am headed into my first year of anniversary dates. Not looking forward to it. He finished his chemo in February and had a good result for his cancer remission. Started immunotherapy in March and had a severe reaction to his 3rd dose and died after 18 days in the hospital. I didn’t keep track of chemo dates but I did have a hard time with his diagnosis anniversary because he didn’t even get a year of living after his diagnosis. He was 59 and full of fun and life. He didn’t want to go. I am dreading Thanksgiving this year because we always celebrated with family over at our house. He was like a little kid with anticipation of out of town company and loved his niece and nephew. He always took them on a hike through the woods down to the river and then back. Found a tire swing in the woods and played on that year after year. Their favorite uncle - he was the fun one and I get afraid that without him they won’t want to keep coming back. I am in a grief support group that meets weekly and they have a seminar coming up in November that helps you cope with holidays. I plan on going. I am trying to focus on some good memories of things we did together, and there was a lot, and write them down. I get afraid that I will forget him and that my family will forget him. He loved everyone in my family so. I am told that with time some of the worry and bad memories fade and the good things take over. This journey is the hardest one I have ever made and is still minute to minute some days. My best to you as you go through yours. You sound like you are being conscious and deliberate in honoring your husband’s life and that’s the best place to start. JMD
  3. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Thanks for this post. It helps. I know the feeling of dreading special days. I know the feeling of all the wishes and plans and retirement only to have it snatched away. I will be thinking about you this Friday on your birthday. I am getting a haircut (why do I feel guilty?). Try to remember that the hopes and plans belonged to the two of you, and neither of you had the choice to see them through. I so hope that you can find a small way to honor the date of your hopes and dreams and do something nice for yourself. I promise I will pray for you to have peace that day. JMD
    paul tinker likes this.
  4. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    1000 days. I miss him so much. I thought as time went by It wouldn't hurt as bad. It's like a bruise, every so often gets bumped and the pain is excruciating. I feel alone in a room full of people, there is no one that gets me the way he did, no one to be myself with.
    I'm thinking of the Holidays that are coming up, another year without my Jeff by my side. This is not how it was supposed to be.
  5. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member


    Nice picture and a great smile. Jeff looks to be happy and a calming person. You have a couple more months dealing and adjusting than I. The holidays are coming up. Last year was more fortunate than this will be. Mostly more isolating due to the virus. I very much get hurt and pain. Absolutely our unique closeness. You make a good point about how do we deal with these upcoming days. My hope for you that enough people are about to share this time with you. I am grateful for the people I have but never quite the same. Kay has a friend of hers with cancer in a farmhouse in France. I think we the alone people find each other and are less alone. How are you with focus? I do feel your dread and that makes me think a bit about how to navigate this time of year.

    We can all meet here of course.

    Glad you posted.

    Paul M.
    JMD likes this.
  6. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    I hear you, I wake up everyday with the same thought, he's supposed to be here. He passed away in December, I remember all those decorations at the hospital and the ICU ward, I remember driving back and forth to the hospital with my car radio off. I didn't want to associate any Christmas carols with his passing. I feel like the December passing is a curse, everyone wants to be happy. He was a gift to me in my life.
    Mary0128 and JMD like this.
  7. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Dreading the holidays also. This will be my first without him and I feel panicky when I think about Christmas without him. We always spent the day with each other, and he always picked out the most interesting gifts. So much thought. He got a holiday bonus every year and used it to buy gifts for me. We made a special dinner and he always complimented my cooking. I cry just thinking about it. I am not through my grief enough to be happy about what we had rather than sad at missing out. Overwhelming feelings and I am afraid to be that upset. We were so lucky to be together. Blue day today. Praying for calm.
  8. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    I try to focus on what we have created together. I have 5 beautiful Grandchildren. The youngest just turned 2, Jeff did not meet him (in this life), he looks like Jeff his facial expressions are spot on and stop me in my tracks, I tell my daughter, Did you see that look?, that was your father" lol. They keep me busy, but there is a void.
    Hopefully the winter will go by fast it will be even more isolating because of the virus.
    JMD likes this.
  9. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    The first year is hard, I focused on what was missing and the traditions that will no longer be. Praying for calm as well.
    JMD likes this.
  10. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    Thinking of you, holidays are so hard. My Jeff passed in January. So after I make it through the holidays I still have January. It makes the winter so long.
    glego likes this.
  11. Mary0128

    Mary0128 Well-Known Member

    Memories flood back while new memories are being formed. Somedays it's hard to feel anything, I just get through the day. I have learned to talk about the memories as they arise, that way I am not dwelling in them I am remembering with others an saying his name aloud, which is very comforting. I also have found that friends and family are leery of talking about their memories of Jeff until I begin. Its nice to hear stories from others. I am relieved to know that he is living in so many hearts. As the Holidays approach new memories will be made, I want to plan something to blend new memories and new traditions with memories of Jeff.
    It's funny when my house is full there is still a palpable void, I miss him so much. STILL Homesick.
    glego likes this.
  12. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    You’re so right, even with a house full of people there’s that huge void. Because a part of us is missing. I just had the 2 year mark of Ron’s passing, 11/17 it was a difficult day but just like last year I’m having trouble moving forward. The holidays around the corner and not having him here just feels sad and lonely.
    People do think they shouldn’t talk of our loved ones, they feel like they’re upsetting us. True, we might cry but we need to talk of them and hear their memories. I’ve told people that, but they still seem uncomfortable bringing him up. It’s the best gift to share stories of our loved ones. On the 2 yr anniversary my brother told me how much he loved Ron’s infectious laugh. That meant the world to me. And he did have the best laugh. Statements like that are priceless!
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  13. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Hi Mary,

    You make several good points. There are a handful of people who know Kay as we'll or better than I. Those people I consider gold. They are the ones we can share memories with. My sister and I often talk about our mom in a satisfying way. Lots of very good memories of her. The other point you make is about grievers and non-grievers. They are between a rock and a hard place with us. They may not know what to say or how to be. They also are concerned they may say the wrong thing and trigger distress.

    We are waterworks in this process. Human sprinkler systems One woman here knew she was to weep and would excuse herself to the bathroom for privacy. I was riding with a friend and became emotional. He was upset that he said or had no idea what to say. I just said no problem. I do this for a while and it will pass. This is just what I do from time to time.

    We are fortunate to have had our person. The missing continues.

    Be well Mary.

    Paul M.
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