Where do I start? Usually I'm the type of person who "stays to myself". I try to fix all my problems and other people's... I'm known as "the strong one" but that all changed on March 6th of 2020, early in the morning as I held my 2nd husband's hand of 15 years, the love of my life and best friend as he silently passed away from terminal stage 4 colon cancer. I'm no stranger to loss and grief.. having lost my daughter at two weeks old due to complications of a kidney infection that I had when six months pregnant. Later finding out all my health problems were due to me having multiple sclerosis. She was a beautiful little girl..perfect in every way except the very enlarged heart filling almost her whole chest. I'm very blessed I got to know her for as long as I did. Two weeks later my best friend who helped me name her passed on as well. I met my first husband when I was 18 years old...married him at 19 and had four son's. He was also the father of my daughter who had passed. It was a mentally and sometimes physically abusive marriage that I stayed in for 23 years!!! He put me and my kids through so much but stayed in the marriage out of fear! The retribution we all would have suffered was very real if I had left him. He ended up passing from liver failure and we talked while on his death bed and he apologized for everything. It was cleansing and glad we were able to accomplish that. I had given up hope of ever finding happiness and only lived for my children. Then I met my wonderful 2nd husband and soul mate! He saved me litterly! Renewed my faith in humanity. We never had one argument in those 15 years and took on helping me with my children. He helped me raise my granddaughter from 2 months of age till present (she is now almost 7 yrs old) my oldest son had a nervous breakdown and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was there for me and him when he was admitted into the mental ward of our local hospital. He now lives with me as well and will never be able to take care of himself. I was my 2nd husband's caretaker for the last six months when he could no longer take care of himself ...all while taking care of my son and Granddaughter and trying to take care of my worsening symptoms of multiple sclerosis. It's been a long hard journey. I'm trying to keep it together but feeling myself falling apart. My granddaughter now lives with her dad and wonderful girlfriend and her new little sister. I joined this site as I obviously needed some sort of outlet for my feelings. I feel everything crashing down on me and this once strong woman is needing help to move on and find my way. Hopefully this wasn't too long winded.