I lost my dad March 16, 2020. Last July he was diagnosed with stomach cancer and was given 6-8 months if he chose no treatment. He decided to fight, but he had many factors working against him. He was 85 years old with congestive heart failure and other illnesses. Despite these roadblocks, his amazing team decided to help him fight. In February we were given the wonderful news that treatment was working and his tumor shrank significantly. But at the end of February everything went downhill. We received a phone call from his oncologist telling us to take him to the emergency room immediately because his blood tests showed his level enzymes were dangerously off. He was admitted to the hospital and diagnosed with Hepatitis B. Doctors said he contracted it during birth and it was dormant all his life. The treatment caused the virus to become active and it destroyed his liver. After 9 days he was discharged with treatment that could be administered at home. A week later (March 16) he was very lethargic and unresponsive. When I couldn't get his blood pressure, I called the ambulance and he was rushed to the hospital. Doctors told us that he had bilateral pneumonia and was septic. His organs were shutting down, but they offered to try to treat him but they didn't have much hope that it would work. Because the night before he told my mom that he was tired and was ready to "go", we decided against treating him and to just let him go peacefully. 12 hours later he took his last breath surrounded by my mom, myself, and my 2 older brothers. It's all so surreal. I know he's gone, but my mind just can't grasp it. It almost feels as if I'm in a dream state and I'm just waiting to wake up. I've had no emotional reaction and I'm not sure whether or not this is normal.
JMari, My deepest sympathy for the loss of your father. It had to be disheartening to be given hope when he was improving and then finally he passed after fighting such a brave fight. Both my father and my wife passed from cancer. It is an experience you never wish to go through, and it takes a tremendous toll on every one of the family. The fact that your dad was surrounded by all your family was a beautiful picture. The day my wife passed my two sons, her last sister (they lost two brothers and one sister), her niece, me, many friends, and the hospice doctor and nurses were all present. I held her hand as she took her last breath. I can’t say enough for how much it means not just to the one who is passing to have people there, but for those remaining, you and your family, it allows you to see and feel the sorrow of everyone present. It is a memory that is permanently etched in your soul, and will be forever with you in your days that now follow on the broken road of grief. JMari, of course it is enormously hard to see our father who we dearly loved sick and then passing on. After my dad’s death I let myself give in to despair and suffered depression. Panic attacks are a thing no one ever wants to experience. You no longer are aware of who you are, where you are, and how to survive. It took me 5 months with antidepressants to face recovery. So if you ever feel as if you are losing a grip on reality and need help, seek a psychiatrist as soon as possible for diagnosis and then treatment. Feeling emotional, like being shellshocked from a blast to your psyche is a very normal reaction to loss. My depression was the result of that, so please be very careful as you move through your sorrow for your dad. Please know, you are not alone, you have your family, they too are suffering, and you have now connected with so many people who also have faced significant losses in their lives and understand how you feel. Just keep reaching out, seek any professional help you can as well. The road to coming to terms with your loss, your families loss is not going to be easy. It will take time and a willingness to be open about your feelings with whoever you reach out with. Please be vigilant of your well-being. Peace be with you in the days that will follow. -david This is a song for you
Thank you so much for your kind words. I have a history of anxiety and depression, but was taken off meds years ago. When my father was diagnosed I contacted a psychiatrist and also started weekly sessions with a psychologist. It was the best thing I could have done for myself because I had the extra support system to guide me. My life revolved around him and his illness for 8 months and now that he’s gone I feel like I feel so lost. My husband and I live with my parents (my mom now), so I was used to coming home from work and caring for him until it was time for him to go to bed. Now I come home and I don’t know what to do because there’s a big void.
JMari, It is good you have been treated before for depression. Because of that you understand how important it is to keep yourself aware of falling back into depression again. Knowing you have those options for treatment should help in the future if you connect with them again when you feel you are losing your grip. Not having your dad around anymore is of course depressing. But having your mom, and your husband also with you is a great support system of one kind. Of course you miss dad. I miss my dad, and it is an endless cycle of not having him to care for anymore. When your dad passed, the sadness of it all finally overtook the huge responsibility you had. It is natural to feel lonely because of him no longer. Your dad fought a huge fight for his life. You offered him comfort in his weakest moments. Your dad knew the sincere care you showed and also knew how dearly you loved him. Like any person who is tired holding on there comes a point where, even though they love you, and his family, your dad wished to not suffer anymore. He held on for all of you, but had to finally give in. There is nothing you did wrong, or your family, it is just life and its terrible outcomes taking over. When my wife succumbed to cancer, I held her hand as she took her final breath. It is a moment that will live me for the rest of my life. She had fought cancer for 10 years and could no longer continue the battle. We assured her, our two sons, and I would be ok. I think from that point she felt she could finally accept her coming death. Sure we have cried so many tears and I am sure you will. It is just life and all we experience helping us to face our disappointments. It would not hurt to call your professionals and talk some more with them. Also keep talking with your family, let them know how you feel. I hope you will take it slowly and know, your loss will take so much time to recover from. Keep talking, keep reaching out, and please never lose hope. Peace be with you. -david This melody is for you
