Feeling like everybody forgot about me?

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by zane, Feb 17, 2019.

  1. zane

    zane Member

    My dad passed on august 30, 2018 with ALS and I am devastated. It has been hard to adjust to my new life. Its an ever-changing journey grief has been, and i cant help but feel people that were there when it happened already forgot, they stop asking how im doing, how im feeling, even my own family has been disconnected. Maybe its me being paranoid, maybe not. I feel isolated, like no one REALLY cares anymore, but ill never forget he lived. Does anyone feel this way, or felt this way in the past??
     
  2. Washijuwia

    Washijuwia Member

    Hi Zane. Yeah, I feel that way sometimes at church. I know that no one has forgotten Dave, but it seems that way because they don't mention him. I think it ishard for people to know what to say. While he was sick they used to ask me how he was doing, and obviously they can't now. And I don't usually mention him either, because it's not like I can still give updates, or tell them he said Hi, or anything.
     
  3. zane

    zane Member

    Its such a game nobody knows what to say or when to say it and sometimes I dont know who to tell or what to say either. Ill be fine one day but like the past 4 days ive been the lowest of lows, fighting myself internally whether to be strong or vulnerable.
     
  4. Aude

    Aude Member

    Hi. I agree with both of you about feeling invisible. My loss is very new- my Mom died 10 days ago. Seems like everyone keeps saying to let them know if they can help me. Out of all the people that have said that, a grand total of one has done something-brought a meal over. So I sit by myself and cry and try to figure out what to eat. I try to think about how strong my Mom was. It’s the only thing that keeps me waking up the next day. I agree- people are so uncomfortable with death that they have to run away from those in mourning.
     
  5. HarpSong

    HarpSong New Member

    You are not alone please remember this when you read many of these post you see we are not alone. As one person said to me remember the good times you had with him and the silly, funny times. If you can find any times to remember and laugh about them that can be healing. I just lost my best friend who was like family to me, my confidant and travel companion. He was more like a "soul" friend and now he's gone so I know how you feel. I lost my dad when I was 15. If it comforts you at all feel him there with you sending and receiving love.
     
    Brendameister likes this.
  6. HarpSong

    HarpSong New Member

    I so understand what you're saying people in general don't know how to react so they run away from those in mourning. I was a hospice volunteer with the harp.
    It was one thing to play harp for those you don't know but when you know them like my mom it's a whole different story. I've been reading a lot about grieving so I can get through the loss of my best friend who was my family and my confidant. Our culture doesn't really allow for grieving because it doesn't know how to handle it emotionally. Hopefully this will change like soon because everyone grieves sooner or later.
     
    Brendameister likes this.
  7. KarenP

    KarenP Active Member

    I also lost my mom recently.....March 5th. I had one person bring me something to eat, the afternoon before the wake. I had not been to the market in 2 months before that unless I had to buy coffee or dog food. Nobody calls some days. Nobody visits. It's just me and my dog. If I do see family or friends and I start getting sad all I hear is everyone has problems and all I ever do is just dump on them. Talk about kicking someone when they are down. Maybe if someone told me about their problems is would help me work through mine. Maybe is someone just offered to pick me up to do errands. I feel like I could die in my house and nobody would even know.
     
  8. Aude

    Aude Member


    Hi Karen, our Moms died on the same day. We just passed the one month mark. I honestly surprised myself that I made it a month. I love how you write about only going out for coffee and dog food. That’s a pretty good representation of my life, too. My dog has become my savior. I live only with her and I lost my job late last year. So to combat the isolation, I did a proactive thing last week. I figured that instead of sitting here and being sad and lonely, I might as well try to help someone else. So I responded to an ad for a dog walker in my neighborhood. I start doing that tomorrow. It feels good to get out and help another living creature. To me, it’s about making a commitment to value and protect life in the face of crushing grief. Plus, it’s about refusing to join the ranks of people who don’t help and instead run away from difficult situations.
     
    auburntigerfan likes this.
  9. KarenP

    KarenP Active Member

    I lost my 28 yr career 3 years ago and my husband and I separated 6 mo after that after 18 years. I have had jobs but nothing fulfilling and now unemployed. Quit my last job because of mom. Like you, I have been looking for work. Applied for about 10 jobs this last month on top of emptying her room at assisted living and putting her condo on the market. Just need a change to put a smile on my face. The last time I was this bad I had my mom for support. I hope the dog walker works for you. Combats activity while getting paid. I thought about that also...….but some days I can't even walk my dog but I have a fenced in yard so she is happy. Hope you eat today. I took out 2 pork chops 2 days ago. I now have to cook them or they will go bad. So it forces me to eat. How did your mom pass, if you don't mind me asking?
     
  10. Aude

    Aude Member

    So you’ve had a few really lousy years. I’m so sorry for you. I give you credit for applying for jobs. I don’t even feel strong enough to take an interview. My Mom broke her hip December 2017, then she broke her other hip August 2018. She never fully recovered from the second surgery. She was having trouble walking and eating very little. In late February, she had excruciating pain in her abdomen and refused to go to the hospital. I stayed with her and it was apparent she was dying. She refused to get medical care- not wanting any further surgery- until the day before she died. She was then in the ER and it was too late. She died of a bowel perforation. She was 86. How did your Mom die?
     
  11. StarDancer

    StarDancer New Member

    After seven months, that is exactly where I find myself. The last two years of being my mom's serious caretaker caused me to be burned out and unavailable for things I liked to do. Everyone in my neighborhood was there for her. Over 60 friends were at the Celebration of Life. A few would stop by after this, but now I am invisible. I feel like the "walking dead" in my neighborhood. I have things during the week that keep me busy, but the rest of the time I am alone. I so hate when I do see someone and they say "let me know if you need anything" as they walk away. I feel everyone has moved on and I don't exist. I am so sad that your friends and family were so cruel with their comments. All I can think bout people like that is "someday you will understand."
     
  12. babygirl

    babygirl New Member

     
  13. babygirl

    babygirl New Member

    I know how you feel Zane! The family act like it was some random stranger that died! I lost my Mom!! I’m struggling every day to keep a brave fave
     
  14. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Wow, I thought I was the only one who felt no one cares. Next month will be a year since I lost my soul mate. He had a massive heart attack. Started with virus like nausea and stomach cramps. Then turned to a heart attack. Lost him 2 hours later. Devasting! As I approach the one year mark I’m feeling worse then ever. I had support for about a month. I agree that people don’t know what to say or do so they do nothing. Ran into a cousin and mentioned I’m living one day at a time, her reply was, still? I’ve been with my husband since I was 16 married 41 years. We ran a business together. We were together pretty much 24/7. People think after 6 or 7 months passes that I’m perfectly fine? I was in a fog for a long time, I had to empty and close our business. No one understands. I feel the pain of each of you on here, it’s so hard. I’m writing this for everyone on here. I feel the exact same as you’re stating. My husband and I usually had dinner New Year’s Eve with my brother and his girlfriend. They didn’t feel like it this year. Great! No one asked how I was on Valentine’s Day, Father’s Day. Easter was just my daughter and I, no one called or text, even though I always hosted Easter, thanksgiving and Christmas. It adds so much hurt on top of dealing with everything else. Today is Halloween, my husband loved seeing the little kids come to the house. We’d make a Halloween dinner and carve pumpkins. Today is rough. But I see I’m not alone in this feeling of no one cares.
     
    Brendameister likes this.
  15. ainie

    ainie Member

    I agree that people really don't know how to help. I would not be able to step into a friend's life and do something useful so I decided I would ask for help rather than let those offers of slip away. When some one said "If there is anything I can do" I responded on the spot with a request such as "I could use a lesson on how to use the snow-blower" or "Can you make me tea on Thursday because it's an anniversary and I don't know if I will be up to it" The result is that my friends say they feel useful and I feel supported. It doesn't take away the pain, it doesn't help the late night loneliness and tears, but it has made some days more bearable.
     
  16. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    You are so right, to respond on the spot. I’ve done that as well, and that helps the most. We’re not about to call someone after their offer and ask for something. That’s just too difficult. But on the spot, works better. Nothing helps the loneliness or tears. I feel so alone even when people are around. But if people come through and do even the smallest thing it feels huge. I still wake up in the night and feel panic. Guilt I’m still here. This new life is so difficult.
     
    ainie likes this.
  17. Jazzy112718

    Jazzy112718 Member

    I feel your pain! It certainly does feel as if you become invisible - right in the midst of a crowd. I feel as if I'm walking through a bubble of "pea soup" - I am supported by lots of family & friends but P & I were co-dependent on each other. He & I adored each other. No one was above the other one. IF we had time for others - ok - otherwise we were first. How will I survive? It's NOT getting better - it's getting worse! I know I'm hard to be around & I discourage most interactions. I cry & bring down the people I'm around. I want to go find him.
     
  18. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m happy for you that you do have support from family and friends. I have very little support. Ron and I were together pretty much 24/7. We ran a business together. We got along so well, like you mention we didn’t need others in our life. If we have each other why do we need other people? Well now I’m pretty much alone. It’s so hard. I totally understand your thoughts of bringing people down etc. that’s how I feel so I’m alone most the time. I closed our business, too much for me to run alone. So I’m retired and missing our day to day. I keep feeling it’s time for him to come home now. It’s been too long. I’m having a small gathering tomorrow, Ron and I always hosted all the holidays. I feel I need to be where we would normally be. And that’s home. Wish so bad he was here with me and my daughter. There will be crying that’s for sure. Can’t help it.
     
    Brendameister and patricia k like this.
  19. Jazzy112718

    Jazzy112718 Member

    I hope tomorrow is better than you think. My son is here with me now trying to get through today. It's so very hard. Good luck tomorrow.
     
  20. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you, I hope you’re right. I wish the same for you! Our life feels on hold so just getting through a day and then the next is an accomplishment. I believe you’re very young, and you shouldn’t be dealing with any of this. My heart breaks for you. You and your son will get through this some how. Good luck to you as well