*DAYTIME AND EVENING GENERAL GRIEF GROUPS AVAILABLE EVERY WEEK* CLICK HERE TO JOIN US!

father's loss from glioblastoma

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by dstspo, Apr 17, 2020.

  1. dstspo

    dstspo New Member

    It has been 8 months since I lost my beloved father (64). Brain cancer, glioblastoma which took his life in 10 months after diagnosed. He diagnosed at the same time i was becoming mother for my first time. Our total happiness became a nightmare all of a sudden. Everything came upside down. I was so closed to him, we were soulmates. I feel that i have lost my personality. Of course i take care of my baby, and she gives me so much strength, but my mind is always there. To him. Even if i look ok to other people. Inside me there is always pain. Just mental pain. If I hadn't the rest of the family i i wou have lost my mind. I miss him all the time. I miss the healthy himself. Because it was so tense when he was sick, that i still see him sick in most of the dreams that i have. I don't know how to handle all this.
     
  2. Chris C

    Chris C Member

    I am new here, I wanted you to know you are not alone. You described your fathers loss and love the way I felt. When I lost my father ( he was 60 ) from cancer and I was in my early 30’s I carried pain everywhere I went. I thought I would never find joy again, sometimes it was hour too hour. The last thing I wanted to hear was he was in a better place….I can only tell you that for me it did get better, and it was not fast….time did its job and now I do find joy again in almost everything I do.

    I tell you all this because just weeks ago I lost my mom to cancer and I am back in that pain you describe so well. For some reason it is easier for me to share my pain with a stranger then to friends or family.



    All my best.



    Chris
     
  3. dstspo

    dstspo New Member

    Thank you for your reply and I am really sorry about your loss.
    I feel too that it is easier to talk to strangers and share common feelings. I avoid talking to my family for all these feelings because I will make them feel more sad. So I prefer looking strong and that i am handling the situation. I don't know if this is right or wrong. I try to calculate that if my dad's soul is somewhere out there he would want me to be happy. I try so much but it is sooo difficult.
     
  4. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Dstspo,

    So sorry for the loss of father. You are so right about holding that pain within us after loss. It is so hard to let others know how bad we are truly feeling for fear of being judged. It sometimes might seem like there are those who just seem to go through the motion, say something to a person after loss and move back into their lives and disappear from ours.

    I know when we lose a parent, he is a special part of us we grow with. Fathers are the ones who looked out for us our whole lives, even after we grow, and create a family. They offer guidance to us so many special times when we need it. They help teach us wrong from right. Our values come from our parents.

    There is nothing more special than the love you had for your father. It is a special bond you will have with you forever, even with the passing of him. I hope your father had an opportunity to see you new child. If so, he must have been so proud of you, knowing one day he would be a grandfather. Of course you are shattered. You have lost one of the most important persons in your life.

    That strength your daughter gives you will be with you your whole life. Your own daughter will be guided with it as you hold her in your arms. That love will pass on to her.

    It is natural to remember your father, how you remember him during the good times, but feel so broken and lost when you think of the suffering he went through. Those two opposing images are what give you that inner turmoil you are struggling with now.

    I went through battles with myself when I witnessed my parents passon, and then the 10 year journey my wife had with cancer. I have two sons who were with me most of the way. They too were deeply affected by her death.

    After her passing, sure family said sorry and moved on, friends did the same, so it was up to me to find a way to keep my balance without struggling. I learned after I was diagnosed and treated with depression that the worst thing you can do is keep this hurt, this sorrow inside yourself. You have to find a way to release it.

    So I talked with priests, counsellors and psychiatrists, and then one day I found this site, after I had all that unresolved anger, emotions and hurt inside myself. Those professionals helped of course, but dealing with loss takes so much time. Each of us are different, we process our life and events so differently from each other. But sorrow is sorrow, and pain is pain, and if they still hold you back from healing you still have to work on those feelings.

    When I found this site I was finally able to talk with strangers, but strangers who come from so many different walks of life, so many different perspectives and most importantly so many different perspectives on loss. I opened up, told my story, heard all their replies and slowly with time felt better inside.

    But I did not stop there. At the same time I was opening up, I also was looking for other ways to handle my grief. What I found was music, which had been a devouring part of my life was able to help me feel better inside. I listened for hours to music, all types as I gathered music on my YouTube channel.

    This is my collection I gathered https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkOiFVSICXoJFxZsKk4micA/playlists?view_as=new+visitor

    Free, no subscription required to listen

    I found at first violin music with no words was just so helpful. As time passed I expanded that and started listening to songs I heard all over again in my life, it brought back such great memories of my wife Nadine.

    I also watched hundreds of videos, about animal rescues, animals helping animals, animals saving humans, and just animals in general. It brought peace to me, I know it also brought my smile back and that love inside me out again.

    I don’t know if you are one with faith, I am a Roman Catholic who also had my faith in God to always depend on. Sure loss is enormously hard to get past. We are angry, we want to know why, we want so many answers, but as we all finally realize, sometimes in life unfortunately, sometimes bad things come into our lives for no explainable reason.

    One last thing I would do is look back at all the tokens of life of the one I lost that I had. I looked at all the photos, all the videos, and the letters if any, and anything I had kept. It helped to bring back so many wonderful memories. Sure it still hurt, but my precious tears of sorrow over time slowly turned to tears of joy as I remembered day after day all the good things.

    I missed the calls I could no longer make to my parents, the hugs and kisses I would get from my wife, and so many-many other moments that touched my soul. So while it is hard to move beyond the sorrow while you are on the broken road of grief, please just remember, by remembering it will help in the long run. By opening that too will help.

    For now please be aware of despair, as it can lead to depression. Peace be with you today and the days that follow.


    -david


    This is a young girl talking to her father as she grows up without him

    Memories of the one you loved so much


     
  5. dstspo

    dstspo New Member

    Thank you so much for giving to me a little of your time to say all of these things. I understand every word of what you said and I am glad you found the strength to handle all of these things that happened to you.
    Sometimes I think it would be a good idea to go to a therapist, but then I am thinking that how could someone take my sorrow and my grief. Nothing can bring him back so nothing can heal me. My mind is in a weird situation because even if I try to think that i have to deal with this -dad would want it- at the same time all the pictures with him sick, or in the funeral are coming in front and hit me deeply. Sometimes i am afraid that all of this beautiful life that i lived with him will be replaced with these 10 difficult months, because these memories are coming and coming again. At least he experienced for about 7 months my daughter, played with her, hugged her, feeded her and he was so happy for it.
     
  6. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Dstspo,

    You are so welcome. I wish I could wash away all the sorrow in the world, but alas I know that is not possible. When I sit to answer someone's post like yours, I have to cut and paste it into another document.

    Then I go away, read what you and others have written and attempt to come up with the words that only you and others who had the same type of loss understand what I am saying. This is just not coming from typing, but from things that happened in my own life. Sure sometimes when I start some posts it can take a lot of time, hours in fact, because I want you and others to know I care, I feel your hurt, and I shed tears for you as well.

    The following is more of me - I have been healed - I am ok with life - I would say don’t feel bad for me, just try to understand. We are all frail. We are capable of error. But we can make it beyond all that comes at us, if we each take the time.

    In my life, my losses have been so many not just from family, but friends, those I was in the military with, I spent 12 plus years in the Army, two tours in Vietnam. I saw many losses there including two friends, one I graduated with, another a coworker, and so many others. I have seen so many lost kids in the military, it was always challenging to help them find answers to their problems.

    Suicides came into my life from close relatives, people close to us in the neighborhood, more troubled soldiers in the service. You find it hard to face some days, but yet you try to find that inner strength to carry on, to keep others close and let them know, you are strong, you will have their back even during the worst of times in their lives.

    Of course, sometimes my words don’t always help, but I at least make the best effort I am capable of. I also make sure to guide those troubled people I have known or worked with or on under my charge. It takes a lot of grit to keep smiling, to keep your wits, but you do for the sake of everyone.

    I was treated for depression once for neglecting my own signals, too much responsibility, and it all came crashing down one day. So I want to implore you, make sure you seek professionals who are the angels of our society who help those who are unable to help themselves. I know it took 5 months to come to terms with my depression, but once I did my old self confidence returned, but with a renewed perspective on life.

    Today when I wake, and each day that I go to sleep, I take all those experiences with me, I don’t dismiss them. Through my faith, this does not mean you or anyone needs faith other than in themselves, I carry the memories of my wife with me. She is with me each and every waking moment, When I get sad, I just need to think of her and all she meant to me. She gave me two sons in life. I will give all the strength I have to them. I will fail to hear their cries, even when they are silent, yes people cry when they utter nothing.

    As a father I can sense their sadness, just as your father did yours. Even during the remaining time in his life he was thinking of you, as did my wife. I want you to know therapists are the greatest listeners ever, they allow you to talk, and keep talking. Sure they will ask you questions, but it is just their way of allowing you to release your pain so they can address it the best way possible.

    Your dad is with you in your soul, in your mind, in your tears, in your words, in the love you shower your child with, and so many more things. Sure cry, I cried, and will still cry until the day I leave this mortal coil we call Earth.

    Those images of him, the bad ones, of course are hard to erase. But I want you to think how your dad fought to stay with you. My wife did. So just know, it was the warrior in them fighting till the last moment, nothing more, nothing less.

    Those 7 months your father had with you and your daughter were so special. He imprinted wonderful memories on his soul, and on the both of you and your daughter. I truly hope you will also talk with a counsellor, and a priest if you are able.

    For now, make sure to watch over yourself and make sure to not fall into despair. Reach out to those you can, and talk no matter how little or how much. That sorrow inside is strong, it is natural, and will take time to recover from. Have faith in yourself, each and every day no matter what. Peace be with you today.

    -david


    I select this song for you


     
    dstspo likes this.