Everything feels wrong.

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Hyposgirl, Jan 22, 2017.

  1. Hyposgirl

    Hyposgirl New Member

    I lost the love of my life in May of 2015. He was 36 and had a sudden heart attack. We didn't even know he was sick. We had been married for 10 years and have 3 children together. Even though it has been almost two year's since I've lost him, things just don't seem " normal". I'm not even sure if that's the right word for what I'm trying to express. I try to be happy. I don't really know. It is just nice to be able to connect with others who can possibly understand how I feel.
     
  2. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Dear "H Girl",
    I am so very sorry for your loss. It is heartbreaking when we lose someone we loved dearly and especially difficult when that person is so young and it always appeared as if everything was OK, as is the situation with you. Whether it happened yesterday, last month or last year and longer ago, the pain is still fresh in your mind and your heart. And to have three young children to care for and help them to understand why their Dad isn't here, is very difficult. Truly, my heart goes out to you.
    Even though I am considerably older than you are, I have experienced a lot of loss in my life and I can understand what you are dealing with now and perhaps give you some insight that may help you. Certainly I can give you a soft and safe place to vent, be heard and understood.

    I buried my only daughter 16 years ago. She was only 26 years old and had leukemia. I found out I was pregnant when I was 21 years old and in the process of divorcing my first husband. I was only with him for 9 months because physical abuse was not something I was ready to accept for my life. I also made the very hard decision to give my daughter up for adoption because emotionally I was not prepared to take care of her. It was likely the hardest thing I ever had to do. It was an open adoption and she went to 2 wonderful people who gave her an incredible life. When she was 12 years old we met each other. One of the very first things she told me was how lucky she was to have 3 people in this world who loved her so much. I can still remember that day. I continued to be in her life from that point on. When she was 16, she was diagnosed with leukemia. I gave her one of my kidney's to help her survive, which she did until she turned 26 years old. I stood with her parents on a very cold February day and buried her. Though very grateful to have spent many years with her, I felt my heart shattering into a million pieces.

    Twelve years ago, also in February, my Dad died. Technically he was my stepfather, but having been in my life for my than 30 years, he was always Dad and I was his daughter. He was diagnosed with mesothelioma in December 2014 and was gone 2 months later. Never a sign and a very healthy 76 year old man. I was very close with him and he truly rescued me at a point in my life when I was totally lost. He was my heart. Needless to say, both my Mom and I were devastated, along with his 3 biological children. To me it seems like yesterday and I can still hear his voice telling me.."I love you sweetheart."

    May 2015 I lost my Mom. She survived lung cancer for 9 years, however COPD and Congestive Heart Failure severely changed her quality of life and she passed away as I held her hand. I was her primary caregiver for more than a year and had to make all the hard decisions, including hospice care towards the end. She was my best friend and not a day goes by that I don't think of her and miss her more than words can say. Now I visit both my Mom and Dad at the cemetery and the tears flow each time.

    And as if this wasn't all enough to deal with.....on XMAS Eve of 2014, I found out the man I had spent 25 years with and was married to for 19 was having an affair for 10 years. My divorce became final this past June. Although he is still alive, dealing with that hurt and betrayal, is very much like a death.

    And in April of 2015 I had to put my 19 year old cat to sleep. I had her from when she was 6 months old. I was devastated. The pic of the white furry cat next to my profile is Kennedy. I rescued her in August of 2015, but truth be told...she rescued me. It is truly amazing how an animal can help to hear your heart.

    I have shared all of this with you I suppose because sometimes I feel as if I'm the poster child for loss and heartbreak, but mostly because I try to help other people who are having a hard time coping with their pain. It's a way of giving back, I suppose.

    There were some days when I thought I wouldn't survive, and I'm sure you have those days as well. I can remember forcing myself to get out of bed and go to work and to be honest with you, it was often hard to just breathe. I just tackled one day at a time and tried not to focus on "what if." I won't lie to you. Time does not heal all wounds, contrary to what everyone says. The pain I felt 16 years ago is the same as the pain I felt when my Mom died. What has changed though is my ability to deal with it and move forward. I have become more skilled at living. I think that's the best way to describe it. And so will you. Aside from yourself, you have 3 other small people to think about.

    The best advice I can give you is this. Feel your emotions and don't be afraid to share them with people you feel close to. Not the ones who tell you to "get over it," but the friends and family who are there when everyone else has left. You find out very quickly who those people are. Cry and feel sad when you need to, but also don't feel guilty for feeling happiness as well. I'm certain your husband would want that for you. I don't have to tell you to keep busy, because with 3 kids, I'm quite sure that's not a problem. However, also make time to take care of yourself. Really important to cater and spoil yourself when you're able to and just enjoy some alone time. Just to relax, unwind and think. Even if they are sad thoughts, you need to learn how to be comfortable with being alone and knowing yourself. Trust me when I tell you it will build strength and character.

    And please don't be offended when I tell you this. You are so very young. You have hopefully another 40 years ahead of you and probably longer. You will have love again in your life and that's absolutely the way it should be. If you really think about it and be honest with yourself, you know your husband would wish that for you and your kids. Never a substitute for what you shared with him. Just another chapter to the very long book of life. You will know when you're ready to open your heart again and you will.

    I hope some of my words have eased your pain a bit. It may be a cliche, but life does go on. And with all the horrible things that may come your way, it can still be wonderful and worth holding onto. I am absolutely certain of that one thing.

    Wishing you comfort and strength today and for your future.

    Please don't hesitate to reach out. Am always here. Take good care~Ellen
     
  3. Hyposgirl

    Hyposgirl New Member

    Thank you so much for the wonderful insight..and loving, kind words. I am so sorry for all of the pain that you have experienced. I honestly don't know what I would do if I had been in your shoes. I still have both of my parents but had grandparents whom I thought of as parents. I was my grandfather's caregiver for the last five years of his life.losing him was very difficult but when I lost my Jeff.
    It was almost unbearable. Luckily I do have my children. I truly believe that them and my Faith in God are the only things that help me get by.I have a few friends not many- most of those disappeared after Jeff passed. But even the ones I do have haven't been through anything even remotely close. Right now I am a stay at home mom. My youngest daughter starts kindergarten next year and I'm seriously considering going back to work when she does. Maybe that will help- won't know until I try, I guess. Thank you again. It is so nice to have someone to talk to. Take care.
     
  4. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    I'm happy to hear from you and glad that you are hanging in there. Absolutely your kids will help you deal with your loss. If nothing else, they certainly will keep you busy. How many kids do you have and your youngest must be 3 or 4? That's a very adorable age for sure. You're right in thinking that perhaps going back to work next year would be a good move. Take your time and trust your instincts. I always believe that the person who knows us best is ourselves. You'll know what to do next. I'm glad you also have both your parents with you for support. Even when your relationship with them is not ideal, we always need our Mom and Dad in our lives.

    Anyhow, please feel free to reach out whenever you need to talk. I'm always very happy to lend a supportive ear and shoulder. By the way, I don't think you told me your first name. If you did, I must have forgotten.

    Be well and take one day at a time. Things will get easier for you. I'm sure.

    Ellen
     
  5. Gr8swimmer

    Gr8swimmer New Member

    Hi - I lost someone very special to me last year. We were married for 14 years but his substance abuse played a significant role in our divorce. Still, we were very close friends and really wonderful co-parents. He passed away 2 months after our divorce was final (yes, I am certainly dealing with some guilt...). My primary concern day in and day out is how to help my 9 and 12 year old children navigate a world without their dad. He definitely had some serious issues towards the end of his life but overall he was a really, REALLY good dad.

    Would love to share more with you and hear more about your story.

    Gr8swimmer
     
  6. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Hyposgirl,

    So very sorry for the loss of your husband. I lost my wife of 42 years, April 19, 2015 to cancer.

    I hope the best for you and your three children. I know life forward will be an enormous unknown, with many days of sorrow and tears. My two sons handled the loss of their mother like all children do, not easily, and a lot of hating the world.

    I do wish that life forward for you and your children will be a good one. My heart goes out to you as you face each night. I have had many days with grief, tears, regret and searching for something to ease my mind as well. I know it will be hard for you, but I hope you find help when you needed it, and never be afraid to reach out to others.

    May peace be with you forward. God Bless.
     
    patricia k likes this.
  7. patricia k

    patricia k New Member

    Hyposgirl ......YES, that's what I keep saying.....nothing feels normal.....It feels weird.......I feel weird....the house feels weird.....I was told by a friend who lost his wife that you have to find a new normal.....I'm not sure how to do that.....but I'll keep trying......I hope to find some sort of acceptance and peace....and I hope you do too!
     
  8. sergeyHit

    sergeyHit New Member

    Добрый день, извиняюсь если ошибся веткой, у меня что-то сайт открывается с ошибкой подозреваю что моя интернет-программа подглючивает не пойму в чем проблема, такая фигня только у меня?