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Does life ever become normal again?

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by TJones, Apr 20, 2020.

  1. TJones

    TJones Active Member

    I lost my dad March 17...following a brief illness. My dad was always healthy until January 2020. He was very sick but I never lost hope even when the doctors were not very hopeful.

    It has been a month and I think I’ve cried at some point everyday. Everybody keeps saying it gets easier over time but I’m not sure. Most of the time, I feel numb. I just don’t want to be bothered with anything. The tears seem to fall at night or when I’m by myself. I can’t tell you how many times I said...let me call dad. My dad taught me everything except how to live without him.

    I miss him so much...
     
    Tammlamm likes this.
  2. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    TJones,

    I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. When you hear anyone say - time heals - that is only a partial statement. In order for anyone to truly get better, you have to open up emotionally, and talk about your loss. In your case, talk to us, about how angry you might feel.

    I found the one thing that repressed my emotions the most was not being able to talk with others. Talk to those you can, professionals if possible, family and friends, and to complete strangers, ones who will actually connect with you with their experiences as well.

    My dad was my hero, he served in WW2. He was rigid but fair. He protected us, he taught us, he provided for us, even at the sacrifice of his own health. So dads are special. When another person tells you a story they are reaching into their lives, opening up their heart and showing their pain to you as you will to them. It allows them to feel connected to you.

    Of course you cry, my gosh we all cry after a loss. After losing someone special it is easy to feel so sad inside. You see or hear something and the tears start. I know I can be in the same room with my two sons and watching someone. All of the sudden I see something on tv that just reminds me of someone I have lost and the tears flow freely. I try to wipe my eyes hoping I won’t make my sons feel bad but I can’t help myself. It just seems to happen so often, because of all the losses in life I have faced.

    So crying is good for you, it allows you to release your feelings building up inside. Talking about those feelings, that possible anger is also good. You are confronting what is holding on to your heart so strongly. I try to connect by letting others see how my experience with their loss matches.

    Sharing stories are also a way to remember them and let yourself have some good thoughts. When I first talked to a psychiatrist words were brutal to speak. Thoughts were almost impossible to come up with, it was as if I sounded like a broken record.

    Of course you feel pain, you cry, you wish to stop it, you want to sleep again and even reset time and go back to the way it was. Those nights after we lose someone is so unfair. We might not turn out the lights, be afraid to enter a room. Unable to pick up an item that has special meaning of that person and allow you to think of them.

    So even with professional guidance they only can help you so far unless you have depression which can be treated with medication. I know I was treated for it for five months after my dad’s death.

    Please don’t be afraid to talk about a person you lost. Don’t be concerned to cry as you write that is normal. Allow yourself to speak of them, open up to others and share those stories and those things that bother you the most. By doing that you are helping yourself, and also others who read what you write to heal as well. It takes time, it takes a lot of effort, but as you write you will start to notice words come easier as each day passes.

    So then it can become true that time does heal, with effort and openness. Please make sure to watch your health. Try to keep depression out of your life by not getting discouraged. Peace be with you today and all the days that follow. Remember, we will be here to listen and talk with you.


    -david


    This is a song for you


     
    cg123 likes this.
  3. skies24

    skies24 Well-Known Member

    This is such a painful time and no one gets how deep our pain is. I never used to cry then when I lost my person on Jan 22nd I haven’t stop crying. No one gets it. I look forward to the day both you and I feel normal again. Everyone says in time but damn i don’t know how many more days and nights I can stand to cry. I hate my surroundings and I just want to talk to her so bad. I’m sorry you are going through this. I hope it’s true that it gets easier. I look forward to talking about her with our breaking down. Life sucks. I look forward to good days again. Hell right now I’d settle for an okay day. His is the most awful feeling in the world. I’m sorry for the pain you are going through. You found a good spot to help you. This site is great.

     
  4. Tammlamm

    Tammlamm Active Member

     
  5. Tammlamm

    Tammlamm Active Member

    losing parents is so different than my other losses. Hold tight to your memories. I'll try and do the same
     
    TJones likes this.
  6. dstspo

    dstspo New Member

    Hello.
    I totally understand you. I lost my father 8 months ago after a brief illness. Wew so closed. I thought that he would be a very old man one day who i would be there for him, but the dream didn't come true and i lost him 64 years old. The only thing that has changed for me the last 8 months is that I have got used to that he is not here (most of the times). I mean, i go to his house and i know that he is not there. In the beggining I couldn't realize that he is not there. But the pain..still there, not at all less. Some times maybe more. I miss him so much. Day by day. I wish that when it is written for me to leave this world I will see his kind beautiful eyes and smile again.
     
    BlackMamba, TJones and Tammlamm like this.
  7. Tammlamm

    Tammlamm Active Member

    Oh what a joyous time that will be! Nite.
     
    TJones likes this.
  8. TJones

    TJones Active Member

    Hi Tammlamm,

    Thank you, and you are so right. Dad was one of the most humble people I have ever known. I am thankful that God chose him to be my dad. I miss him very much. I will definitely hold tight to all the great memories he left with me. I know better days are ahead. Here’s to all of us that are dealing with our losses and better days ahead.

    T.J.
     
  9. TJones

    TJones Active Member

    Hi DSTSPO,

    I’m sorry to hear of your loss. I, too, thought my dad would be a very old man before he had to go. When dad passed, he was 70 but that didn’t seem so old . I am pretty much at the point that I’ve accepted his death, I know he has gone on but I still miss him terribly. I gather some comfort knowing he isn’t suffering anymore. See, my daddy worked in factories all his life. He literally worked up until two days before he went in the hospital. He was diagnosed with had a type of chronic pneumonia which the doctors said was due to chemical exposure over the years. As much as I wanted him here, it was so hard on him. I know how much he loved me and I was able to care for him during his illness. It was the pleasure of my life to care for him as he cared for me. I plan to see my dad’s eyes and smile when I leave this world. Thank you for responding and I know you had a wonderful father and you will see him again!

    T.J.
     
    dstspo likes this.
  10. Gulkaur21

    Gulkaur21 New Member

    I also lost my father few days back on may 3rd, 2020 in an accident. He was in good health and very energetic man. It all happened so sudden that it still feels like a dream which is going to be over soon. I feel the exact same way you are feeling. I cry many times a day thinking about dad. Whenever I think of my, I feel like a sharp knife has been stabbed through my heart. I really have no idea if I am ever going to be normal in life.
     
  11. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for all of your losses, parents, friends, any loss is difficult. I lost my husband, massive heart attack, taken from me and my two children in two hours. Happened so fast. He was never sick, he was only 63 years old. We planned to retire this Sept, close our business and enjoy a more relaxing life. We were together 24/7. I know and understand the pain each of you describe. I know it’s like being hit with a Mac truck. It’s been 18 months since that horrible day. My children miss their Dad just like I’m reading each of you miss your Dad, loved one, who ever. Ron was the picture of health, not over weight, BP good, cholesterol good, we as a family went into shock. His father and grandfather lived to 92 and 87, Ron told me he planned to live longer then each of them. My daughter is 36 and son 32, we support each other. It is true that eventually those wonderful memories will one day bring a smile to your face. Still missing them but things do slowly start to feel a little less horrible.
    I’m afraid such a love such a wonderful relationship, is hard to manage when that special person is taken from us. Ron loved his family with all his heart and would do anything for each of us, and I use his love as inspiration to keep moving to get up each day and I know he wouldn’t want me or us to be struggling so much. As I’m sure is the case for each of you. I believe in my heart that I will be with him when it is my time, and it will be wonderful. I believe that will happen for each of you as well.
    In the mean time, yes this sucks! The numb feeling, lack of motivation, foggy brain, can’t eat or sleep, it’s what we all feel and understand.
    Do your best to take care of you, reach out to family and friends and keep posting on here. You’re not alone.
    Sending hugs to you all!
    ❤️ Robin
     
    TJones likes this.
  12. TJones

    TJones Active Member

    Im sorry about the loss of your dad. I was able to have time with my dad but an accident is just so tragic and final. I was and still consider myself quite the daddy’s girl. You said you didn’t know if you would be normal in life. Unfortunately, you are probably right. I mean, after the loss of parent...there had to be a”new normal.” However, you will become acclimated to the new normal. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve thought, “Oh, I need to call daddy and ask him this or that...” I miss my dad so much and I know you do too. Hang in there!

    TJ
     
  13. BJSA34

    BJSA34 New Member

    I'm sorry about the loss of your dad. I lost my mom two years ago after an illness. I'm missing her more now because I can't go to support groups because
    everything is shut down.