I lost my husband 2 and a half years ago to an accidental overdose. We had been on again off again for sometime due to his PTSD (from war) and addiction issues. We were separated when he passed, we have two daughters who were 2 and 6 at the time. The day he over dosed I had served him with divorce papers, I couldn't do it anymore, I was so done fighting, I gave up, I quit, I wanted better for my girls. He was the one who asked for the divorce, almost a year prior but he never moved forward on it. I said so many hurtful things over that year (as did he). He was my best friend, he was the love of my life, who I thought I would spend forever with and by the time he passed I couldn't even recognize the man I was looking at. I was so angry he was choosing drugs and this life over his family. He died in an apartment of someone who he didn't even know, with people who were junkies. I wonder all the time if maybe I would have fought a little harder, if I wouldn't have given up, maybe just maybe he would still be here. His best friend from high school, who was like a brother to him, committed suicide a year ago in November, he felt so guilty that he couldn't save him, and he didn't know how to go on with out him. I have so much guilt that I don't know what to do with. I am miserable, I have started having panic attacks everytime I relive the day he died. It feels like my heart is breaking over and over again. I feel like I am drowning and I can't breath. I feel no emotions, I don't know how to feel love or happiness or anything other than sadness and guilt. Please tell me Im not alone in this.
Kyhayes, I am so sorry for your loss and all the pain you are experiencing. After someone has died, it is often a griever's first instinct to go back and take responsibility for the outcome...all they feel that they could or "should" have done differently. Grief has a way of making us feel suddenly and entirely responsible for another person's life...and I find many grievers fill their every waking thought with regret and guilt. This is not easy to hear, acknowledge, or talk about, I know, but it must be acknowledged that there are certain circumstances where the deceased played their own role in the outcome and the way things turned out. As I write it, I worry about the potential to be misunderstood, so I want to be very clear. While we never want to "blame" anyone, especially after they're gone, why do we find it so much easier to put all of the blame and responsibility on ourselves? In the end, does anyone need to be "blamed" at all? Life is horribly unfair. Terrible things happen to good people. Some get saddled with mental health issues and addictions that can overpower and destroy even the best efforts and intentions. I'm including a few articles I have written that apply to some of what you're going through. I hope they can be a help: https://www.griefincommon.com/blog/suicide-overdose-5-things-only-survivors-understand/ https://www.griefincommon.com/blog/grief-roadblocks-let-go-tough-emotions/ We're glad to have you with us...I wish you hope and healing in the days ahead~
