Deylayed Grief

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by Jay92, Jun 4, 2019.

  1. Jay92

    Jay92 New Member

    Hey everyone,

    I started therapy 3 weeks ago for anxiety but have realised a lot of it is a defense mechanism for the death of my dad. He died when I was 14. He wasn't just my dad but also my best friend and a role model. I've come here to try to start connecting with people. I'm scared to start grieving or wonder if I have started? I'm kind of confused to be honest. I feel lost, emptiness, tired and I keep feeling like I want to cry. It's been 13 years and I feel stupid because it's like I'm only just starting to open the door on this. I have always been very closed off about my dad and everything that happened. After he died I went into a mode of looking after my mum and older sister. I suppose I took the role of 'man of the house'. I just felt anger for years and then it turned into anxiety which has been for years. I haven't really said goodbye to him, I don't believe there is closure but I believe it would be good to say goodbye some how? I'm hoping you guys can help or I can find people I can relate with.
     
    Nicole4904 and Rose 23 like this.
  2. Rose 23

    Rose 23 Member

    Jay

    There is not proper time to grieve, you can still cry, infact I suspect you will soon.

    Dad's are so special, strong yet loving, I'm so sorry yours died while you were so young, you missed the things Dad's usually teach their son's but now it seems your searching for closure, good for you.

    So go ahead and cry if you feel to, it's never too late, go to his grave and talk with him, tell him how you feel. If there's anything there, a small pebble or anything bring it home and think of him when you hold it, every little thing you do in rememberance helps you to let go of the anger and anxiety.

    Your not letting go of him, you'll be opening yourself up to so many good memories and letting go of the pain you've been holding on to for way too long.

    Wishing you strength from this day forward, your life will be glorious once you have accepted the loss if a good man, it's this loss that has and will continue to shape you as a good man also.
     
  3. Jay92

    Jay92 New Member

    Hi Rose, thank you for your kind words. I suppose it is closure I am looking for. Unfortunately he doesn't have a grave but I could start just speaking to him out loud, what do you think? It's so strange for me because I have never tried. I like the idea of having something to keep with me so thank you again for your words and suggestions.
     
  4. Rose 23

    Rose 23 Member

    Why not, find a spot that's comfortable and have a conversation, it doesn't even need to be out loud but maybe hearing yourself will help in some way.

    Maybe there's something of your Dad's that you can take for your own, having something solid has helped me in my grief.

    I actually have several items that remind me of my friend, anything your dad loved or was interested in is great, the collecting of these items was very therapeutic.

    Every morning I go to my window, open it and say good morning to my friend, he believed very strongly that he would become part of nature so for me I feel the wind and think it's him staying close.

    It may sound silly but I actually smile knowing he's all around and I cry knowing he's gone.

    Yin and yang...embrace both the good and the bad because without the bad you can't recognize the good.

    Your going to be alright, follow your path.
     
  5. KarenP

    KarenP Active Member


    Hi Jay......this is tough. My mom and dad made their burial plans and Dad died in 2009 and I kept Dad with me to respect my mom's wishes. Mom died March 5th. I am fulfilling Mom's wishes and we are interning them in August. Part of me says "Yes, this has to be done"...….Part of me says "I want them to stay in the house with me forever". As for the anger and anxiety......I get it. I loved my parents dearly but have feelings that I can not explain. I don't know if it is selfishness or self awareness. Confusing. My brother doesn't get it or just won't show it. I have been told "I'm approachable". That has been going on since Dad passed. I'm working on it to the best of my ability though it may not hold up to other people's standards......but it does to mine. I am hoping the internment will help me cope. It will only be a beginning of what I feel. I am finally viewing my parents as "people/parents" and can't discuss it with them......which is hard.
     
  6. Destinee

    Destinee New Member

    Hi!

    I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. My dad was killer dec 2018 & I think I’ve forced myself to continue to live life how I was used to living because that was how I coped when my mom passed when I was 13. I’ve never been to therapy? I know & feel I’ve never coped & now that my dad Is gone I just feel like I’m faking life all together. I couldn’t take not relating to anyone anymore . I just feel I’m projecting my hurt on other people even if they truly care .. I vows to start counseling .. I’m a mom and a girlfriend .. and I want to live a good life and not be scared to love .. in result of losing it
     
  7. Nicole4904

    Nicole4904 New Member

    I'm sorry Jay92. I lost my dad when I was 18 from a lifetime illness (PHA). I grieved afterward and am still grieving. It's been 13 years since my dad passed away too. I, like you, had to look after my mom after my father passed. I have tried to "move on," have gone to therapy, and I still frequently cry when I think of him and how he was supposed to be here for all the moments in my, and the rest of my families lives. I don't think it will ever go away. The sadness, the feeling of loss, the crying. I think just getting through those moments is all we can do. I'm no therapist and everyone grieves differently but I think in a situation of losing a parent at a young age or any age is hard to get past. There are so many what ifs? I'm here to talk if you ever need to.
     
  8. Jay92

    Jay92 New Member

    Thank you for all your replies. It so nice to find people who feel the same/similar. I would suggest counselling if you feel you are ready, I do admit I have been feeling worse since but I truly believe you feel worse before better. I've noticed how my mind is desepratly still trying to keep the door closed! I'm sorry to of what you guys are going through, it's a nightmare. Unfortunately still in society it's harder for a man to express his emotions but that is another story!

    Just to let you know in therapy, I had to write a letter to my dad which really took me by surprise. I had a lot of anger, guilt and sadness there. Another thing I do is journal everyday, doesn't have to be about him but it gets all/any emotions of your chest. I would recommend reading a grief observed by C.S. Lewis.

    There is a lot of what if's, I completely agree. Live could have been so different for everyone if he was still here.

    I'm here if you guys need to talk as well :)