Coroner Called Yesterday...

He said the toxicology report came back (finally) and they ruled my fiancée's death an accidental fentanyl overdose. I didn't even know what fentanyl was until he died. It's been about six weeks since Michael's been gone. I feel exhausted. Waking up everyday is a struggle. As of right now, I'm living for other people. And it's exhausting. Today was my first day of grief counseling. Wasn't fun and knew it wouldn't be--not my first counseling rodeo. I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that I have to keep moving on without Michael in my life. I don't want to move on without him. I want to move on with him. I want to move on with Michael...and I can't. I can't do anything with him except sit at his grave and get mad at him for abandoning me. For lying to me. For not telling me he was struggling. I shared every weakness I've had with him. I guess it was stupid of me to think he'd do the same. I miss Michael. He wasn't just the love of my life, he was my best friend. I'll never find anyone like him again. Maybe I'm not meant too... I have dark thoughts sometimes. My counselor said that's normal. That's a good thing, I guess. I was starting to think I was really going crazy.

 

I lost my fiance, Max, to a fentanyl addiction 2 weeks ago...
Please contact me.

 

I’m sorry for your loss. I know that doesn’t help much, but I am sorry. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

 

I can not grieve... I have pushed his death completely out because I'm too scared to face the pain.
How are you doing? What are you doing? How can we help each other? I have never met anyone who knows a thing about this...
Also, I'll mention I'm clean from drugs myself, 4 months as of Nov.

He brought them into my life and I have died myself in August and changed everything.
I did not expect this. I wasn't ready.
What do you do? I barely cry unless forced to talk about it through counseling and recovery...
Otherwise I push it down.
My name is Jessica, 31, from Indiana. I'd love to talk to you.

 

I’m doing really well, actually. It has been hard and I still have bad days, but overall, I’m so much better. I finally came to the realization that I can mourn Michael and move on at the same time. Once I realized that, I felt a lot better. Originally, I was terrified to move on, because it felt like he was just dying all over again. I couldn’t live with that. Then his best friend said, “He can only die once, you know...” I encourage you to feel your feelings. Don’t be afraid to feel. It hurts. It hurts a lot. But in the end, it feels better to let those feelings out than it does to keep them in. At first, I tried doing what I could to numb the pain, but that didn’t work either. I only felt better when I talked about what was going on with me on the inside. Keep seeking counseling. Keep talking about Max. In the end, it’ll make you feel better.

 

Today, I'm angry.... I'm so fucking angry that he brought this into my life, watched my life burn in flames, then while I started my own recovery, sabotaged it.
I don't know how to, though.

I'm so incredibly happy to hear you're starting to get back on your feet. What an amazingly strong woman you are!
Would it be okay if we talked outside of this thread? I need help and support and IDK what the hell I'm doing..

I have a facebook - Jessica Daggy, with messenger.
Or, I'd typically prefer texting, but fine with whatever you would prefer.
765 983 3574.

Thank you for talking to me if I don't hear from you, you've been a big help already.
Hoping to hear from you, though.
Xo.