I lost my husband to cancer in February, I was with him for 40 years, since I was 18. I feel so completely lost empty, lonely and desolate. The current COVID situation has made everything so much harder, I am not actually sure what me being here is about. I hope I can connect with someone, I have only joined this forum today and I am not really sure how it works.
Dear Deb, I am so sorry of the loss of your husband, cancer is so unrelenting and watching your loved one fight through that battle is so difficult. I’ve lost loved ones to cancer and know how hard it is. Let me say you’ve come to the right place, this site has helped me immensely. I lost my husband to a massive heart attack. He was healthy , we had no previous signs nothing to warn us that there was an issue of any kind. All the sudden on 11/17/18, watching tv at 9:30pm he didn’t feel well then it was chest pains, call 911 cardiologists work on him at 11:34pm I lost the love of my life. I went into shock mode. We were together 44 years married 41 years. Owned a business together, we were together 24/7. This site is full of people going through the same feelings and pain. We all understand the lonliness, the house feeling so quiet and empty, missing every little thing of our loved one. The current covid situation only makes things worse, now we can’t have person to person support. One more thing piled up on our already over loaded and overwhelming pain. You will find support and compassion from people here. Sharing your story and reading other stories is so very helpful. I didn’t find this site until I was at 11 months since I lost Ron. I decided to give it a try, had no clue if it would help me, I didn’t expect it to actually, but worth a try. When I finally got my first response from someone, I cried reading it. I realized people do get it, do understand how I feel, and all the sudden I felt a little less alone. That’s a comforting feeling. Most of my support was gone by that time, actually long before 11 months, and I found a community of people who want to talk to me. You’ll find that too. It’s hard during this time of crisis but reach out to friends and family, try to stay as busy as possible, keeping your mind busy is helpful, try your best to step outside and get some fresh air. And keep sharing and reading on here. We all help each other. All the best to you, sending hugs! Robin
Thank you Robin, for replying, I am sorry you lost your husband, when you are with someone almost your whole life, it is so difficult to imagine going on without them. Hugs to you Deb
Deb, I wish I could take your pain away. I am saddened by the loss of your husband. Losing him is as though your heart has taken apart. Robin is such a compassionate person, and she gives such heartfelt responses to everyone. She also gives great advice. When my dad and wife passed from cancer, though each affected me so differently, my world was changed forever. With dad I lost my hero in life, with Nadine my wife I lost my partner of 42 years, who gave me two children, and we grew up together and shared so many wonderful memories. You also grew up with your husband, and must have so many wonderful memories with him. Yes, unfortunately these dark times we all now face make loss and life seem so bleak. We face so much uncertainty with life, no guarantee it won't happen to us. Of course it is hard to raise some days and face it. Whatever form of support you can take please do so, like talking with a counselor, psychiatrist or priest, family, and friends. Reaching out to strangers like us is also a good choice. When you can't do that personally you have to do it by whatever means available, like phone, internet, letter or whatever. It takes time to recover from the loss of our spouse. But always please remember, because you were with him for the greater part of your life, he will always be with you in your words, your mind, and everything you do. Please take care of yourself. Watch out for despair that can lead to depression. Peace be with you in the days that follow. -david Here is a song for you today
Loved the song David. Janet’s been gone just over 6 months. I thought, for a while, that cancer won. Cancer may have won the battle but Love won the war. I came to realize what a wonderful gift that I had bestowed upon me. To have been given the opportunity to love someone so deeply and completely that it will be I’n my heart forever, is truly a gift from God. You did NOT win cancer, LOVE won. to think that cancer won, but it didn’t.
Thank you, it’s been a hard bumpy road, but I’m inching my way through this rough journey. Day by day, there’s steps forward and some back, but I think I’m making more progress then going backwards, I think. I thought the second year would be a bit easier then it is proving to be, I keep feeling you’ve been gone too long, it’s time to come home. But we all have that desire and wish. However, our loved ones are really still with us, they’ve been in our lives so long, they’ve helped make us the people we are today. We can’t hold, hug or kiss them, or get their thoughts on things but they are with us. They’re a part of us, forever. It is so hard to imagine going on without our loved one by our side, giving us love offering support. I know for a fact Ron would want me to move forward, he wouldn’t want me suffering the way I am, I know this. And I have two children, although adults, still need their Mom. I told my son one day I don’t feel I have a purpose any more. He answered, your our Mom, we need you! And he’s was right, they are my purpose and not letting Ron down is my inspiration. I don’t know if you have children, but the love you and your husband shared, I gaurentee he wouldn’t want you in such pain. Of coarse you have pain but he would want you to to do everything you can to work towards less painful days. One day at a time! ❤️Robin
You know what makes me feel bereft, is having lost that very intimate connection you have with another person. And knowing nothing else can ever compare to that. He was the one.
Deb, Yes! That connection we had with our spouses or loved one, is such a loss. There’s family members and friends offering support, and that’s needed and helpful but, we miss the wonderful connection, the easy connection we had. It’s overwhelming. So many things we want to share, talk about, laugh or cry with them. That intimate connection that was there 24/7 and happened naturally. I know that lonliness so well. Heartbreaking!
I recently lost my husband to cancer also, in March. We were together for over 48 years. The Corona Virus has made things much worse, I agree. It is extremely isolating and we were unable to have a service for him. I am trying to just get through the days. I am writing quite a bit in my journal and texting and talking with family, but it does not help much. I still cannot believe this happened.
Cubbo, I’m so sorry for you loss of your husband. Losing our soul mate is devastating enough. And now this virus with social distancing, meaning we can’t have funerals can’t have family and friends visit for support. That just adds to the nightmare. I lost my husband to a heart attack over a year ago. He had no previous signs no heart issues. Two hours and the love of my life was gone and my life turned upside down. The loss makes for such lonliness, but even worse in there current t conditions. Good idea to journal, I’m afraid I don’t recall what I did my first month it’s all a fog which I. Sure you’re feeling as well. But keeping busy helps so much. If you’re up to it possibly a walk might be helpful. I’ve started keeping music playing quietly, sometimes it helps sometimes when I hear favorite songs of Ron’s then it feels upsetting. But I’m getting better with that. I know this site helped me a lot and I’m sure it’ll help you. You’ll receive compassion and great support. Just knowing that you’re not alone in how you’re feeling is comforting. My thoughts are with you Sending hugs, Robin
Thank you so much,Robin and I am sorry for your loss, especially as it was so sudden. My husband was sick and receiving treatment from last July to December when so many set backs delayed further treatment and the cancer spread. He was very healthy and it was a shock to both of us. He spent his last weeks in hospice. The loneliness is awful. I have been walking, but all of our parks are now closed, so it is challenging to find a place not crowded. Right now I cannot listen to music as it reminds me of how we both enjoyed it. It is a comfort to know that others feel the same. I love my family, but they are moving on with their lives and really do not understand that grief is my constant companion. It helps to know that in time I might start to feel better. Thank you for the support.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. My Wonderful wife Janet lost her battle with brain cancer October 18 of last year. She had been under 24 hour bedrest for 3 months in a Hospice facility when she succumbed. I was allowed to stay with her 24/7. So I was at her side for the whole time until she took her last breath. The Hospice nurses and staff became our family and I love each and every one of them. Like Robin I have found solace in music, and I have gained friends from my contacts with this site. Robin has been my life line on many occasions, and David’s music has always been a wonderful help. As a matter of fact, he has been influential in my deciding to write music again. These things have all been therapeutic, and I am grateful for their presence on this forum. Try to stay busy if you can. It helps. Bill
Thank you, Bill. I am very sorry that you lost your wife. I am so glad you were with her. The hospice team was amazing during Harold's last weeks. It was such a relief after all the hospital stays. They were open 24/7 until the Coronavirus hit. Then visits from family and friends were limited. But, I was allowed to continue to stay with him until he passed. It was a sad time as when he started to transition he was less and less lucid. I am sure I will be able to love music again in time. I miss him so much. I do try and keep busy, but it really is hard as I am sure you know. I look forward to learning more from this group. I find writing helps and it is one thing I have always enjoyed. Peace...
Dear Deb, I am so sorry for your loss. My wife died on January of this year, she also had been fighting cancer for 9 years, and ever since it has been very difficult for me and my three daughters. Despite the fact that I cry everyday, I am starting to feel a little relief, it is very hard to be in bed at night, alone, we lost our best buddies, our strenght, but we need to keep on living, life does not end for us yet, and I have hope that one day all of us widows and widowers will find happiness again. It is not going to be easy, but we need to keep living to honor the memory of our loved ones. We will never forget them, but we will learn to live without them and to forge a new normal for use. I personally, give thanks to God every morning for giving me the gift of having my wife for 24 years. Please do not dismay, keep talking about your loss, if no one calls, you call them and tell them that you need someone to talk to, talking is the best therapy for me, besides crying, I do a lot everyday.
Thank you all for your comments, I am sorry for all of you and for being in this situation. I find it very difficult to understand what my role in life is now. And I often think that I don’t want to be here without my husband. How ever I do keep going and I hope that one day I will work out what it is all about.
Deb, First and foremost, you are the most important now. This new life you are now faced with after the loss of your husband is something that will take time to adapt with. When I lost Nadine, before she passed from cancer, she held on until you could be told we would be live on and be ok. Of course, it is not easy, it never is facing loss, and then wondering what to do with yourself after. All of us who face loss, come from all walks of life, span so many generations and see and feel the loss so differently from one another. But the one common thread we all have is this absence in our heart, and how do we continue as we face each new day. It isn't easy, we might feel hopeless, cry so much, not know what to do and we have so many unanswered questions. Even to family the loss is so different, to you it is your mate, to my sons, it is their mother, to your parents it is their child and on and on it goes. We each have to change, but to into what we become there is no easy answer. Coping is hard, changing is such a mystery, because we might say, sure I am still who I was but just missing my loved one, but when our actual surrounding change, like income, housing, those helping hands no longer present, the precious talks we shared, and so much more. So to me, it is how do I go on, and also help my sons do the same, to you it might be what do I now do and once I decide how do I do it. You might want to start a new hobby, try a new job, and the list goes on and on. But as long as you realize that you are thinking about you, and what you should do now is the first right step in that new direction. There will be no easy answers, but just caring about yourself still is the most important right now. Please take care. Watch out for your well-being and watch out for falling into despair. Peace be with you. -david Sleepwalking
I I don’t know how I would have fared if the corona virus had been present when Janet was dying. Another horrible burden just piled on top of unbearable pain. I am still suffering, I am grateful that Janet didn’t have to deal with the virus on top of the devastating cancer that she was plagued by. My prayers go out to you good souls who are dealing with all of this tragedy and pain. Bill
To the new members here, my condolences. Mine is also a recent loss and others here know the story. I haven't been on for a bit, when things get this way I have a habit of shutting down and not reaching out. Not a good thing to do, There are some caring people here and we get your pain, there's nothing that prepares you for this and the support of people even strangers goes a long way when they've experienced it also. I agree, it's so difficult to stay connected, just try. I have a few friends that I can reach out by phone everyday and connect, we admit and laugh about the fact that the content of the call is meaningless, at times we run out of chatter for a bit and then find something to run on about. One night we watched the radar for an approaching storm on out laptops. Hey it's going this way, no it's now that way. We live on opposite sides of the city so it was about who would get rain. Just riveting! Give yourself permission to grieve, to work through it, to cry, or just sit silently. Try to establish a routine even while isolating at home. It's a strange time, I would like to go and take my MIL to lunch or just visit, or see more friends. As my husband's illness progressed we were home-buddies, and he was my favorite one, just like others here we all would be fine sheltering in place with them here. Be well, stay safe.
