Complicated Grief

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Sal, Sep 19, 2016.

  1. Sal

    Sal Guest

    Lost my husband of 30 yrs this spring. Anyone else have "complicated grief"? Mine is because he had an eating disorder, and I kept warning him he'd die young(52) and leave me and the kids but he couldn't stop. So although he was my soulmate, our relationship became distant and strained in recent years as he got sicker and became an invalid - such a strain on the whole family. I feel so guilty about not being a better caregiver, but angry at him the same time. Plus I have fibromyalgia that limits what I can do socially, etc. The isolation makes it worse. Thought maybe I'd find some people here to connect with.
     
  2. Sharona

    Sharona New Member

    Sal, I lost my husband 3 weeks ago. I am still in shock. I can't believe I won't ever see him again. We both had some serious health issues, but things were getting better. He told me numerous times that he was tired of hurting all the time and that he didn't want to live like this anymore. What I don't understand is why that night. We had just had the conversation about being more positive, being there to see our grand kids grow up, eating healthier, and taking better care of ourselves. We were best friends, he was my whole life. Our family and friends have already stopped calling. But they never did when he was alive either. I also have fibromyalgia. I have more flare-ups now. Some days I don't get out of bed. I have never felt pain like this before. I also feel quilty for not believing him. The isolation does make it worse. I am by myself now and the pain gets to be unbearable. That's when I scream and cry and try to let some of the pain out. Not working too good.
     
  3. Sal

    Sal Guest

    I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner - I've been very busy with work. Which is good, as it distracts me, but it's also pushing the fibromyalgia to the limit. It's a trade-off though. If I just stay home in bed I'll spiral into depression, but some days it's so hard to get out of bed for work. I've got to do it though. I keep telling myself he wouldn't want me to waste the rest of my life just because he didn't take care of himself and ended up wasting his. :-(
     
  4. Sal

    Sal Guest

    Geoff too had been on the upswing, it seemed. He'd just gotten out of a physical rehab program and was using the wheelchair less, then bam, it was over. My fibromyalgia flare-ups are worse too, especially since I went back to work full time. But if I don't do that, I languish around the house, and get depressed. You are still in the early stages and need to allow yourself to scream and cry when you want to. It's been 6 months for me now, and at first I thought it would never get better. But I worked through a cognitive-behavioral therapy workbook on overcoming grief and that really helped. I couldn't have done it soon after Geoff died. It would have been too raw. But maybe someday, when the wounds aren't so fresh, something like that might be able to help you too.
     
  5. Shelley

    Shelley New Member

    I lost my former husband and father to my 11 year old son. He was only 55 yr old. Neither of us were remarried and we still loved each other. I feel like a widow but technically I am not. It hurts so very much!
     
  6. Sal

    Sal Guest

    You must be going through a lot of complicated feelings right now, Shelley. But you deserve to grieve just as much as the next person. It doesn't matter that you weren't together anymore - you still lost the father for your child, and the person who had been there with you all those years. ((Hugs))
     
  7. Shelley

    Shelley New Member

    The emotions are so strong. It is hard to cope. We still loved each other but things happened in the marriage that I had to get out. I dealt with the grief of losing the marriage 3 years ago. Now I feel like I am dealing with that all over again. I was with him when he was in the hospital cause he listed me as his emergency contact and was totally prepared to bring him home to recoup after the hospitalization. All those feelings of love and hurt came flooding back in. Now I am lost and feel so alone!
     
  8. Sal

    Sal Guest

    I think what I went through was something similar, because I had begun to think our marriage was over, and had grieved that loss even though we were still together. But then when he got so sick, and finally died, all the feelings of love came flooding back. I beat myself up for not taking better advantage of the time that I had. But that workbook on overcoming grief finally helped me with some of that. It still hurts - a lot - but it's getting better. There is hope Shelley. ((Hugs))
     
  9. Jen5169

    Jen5169 Member

     
  10. Jen5169

    Jen5169 Member

    Don't be so hard on yourself. You did your best