complicated grief 6 years later

Hi, my name is Hannah. I need to share, so thanks for reading and allowing me to do so.

I lost my boyfriend, Matthew, to a heroin overdose in January 2015. I was 20 and Matthew was 23. We went to the same college, and he was actually my neighbor. His funeral was the first day of spring semester. I lived in that apartment for another year (which, in hindsight, was definitely a mistake).

I didn't know that he had an issue with heroin. We had never talked about it before, so his death was a huge shock. He actually died the day he was coming back from winter break. I had gone home with him to Maryland a few weeks before to meet his family and share the holidays. I was the last person he talked to that night before, and his mom found him at home.

I didn't know for five months that it was heroin. I found out actually when his mom came down, and they always wanted to see me and be with me for days on end (and that's a whole other complication). For months, she'd been asking me to get access to his phone. Now, I'm brand loyal to Apple, but he had an Android, with a like a pattern code -- for months, I told her that I didn't know the pattern, and that EVEN IF I DID, out of LOYALTY to Matthew, I wouldn't unlock it. She said she understood, but before she told me it was heroin in that Marriott hotel lobby, she brought his phone out and forced me to try.

It's been almost six years, and it still hurts??? Worse now than in a long time. I think it's about the friendship, and that I'm now THREE years older than he was when he died, and all the things I get to do that he doesn't, and anger at his mom, I think, and anger at him for the way he changed my life.

I just have really big feelings, and I keep them in, but here we go.

Thanks.

 

Hi Hannah, you must be struggling every day; what a painful path you are on. It’s good that you are reaching out even with the risk of not being heard or understood. I hear you, and wanted to let you know that and that you’re not alone. I share with you the daily hell of complicated grief so I don’t have a lot to offer besides a virtual supportive hug at the moment. Take care of yourself daily even in small ways

 

She died January 21st, 2015. We were extremely close and I’ve been grieving her for six years. When you love someone deeply, losing them is like losing a limb; you’re reminded of it almost daily and it’s hard to continue living your life and learning to enjoy it again. I never did any formal grief counseling, just struggled on my own.

For me, the grief did begin to lessen after five years, but when the anniversary rolls around, it’s a tough, painful struggle. Both our birthdays are right around Christmas too, so it’s really HARD.

Even though our situations were different, I know how you feel. You were very young when it happened and it’s devastating. He was also a neighbor, so you had a double connection. I can understand his parents’ deep grief (I’m 58 yrs old, no children) and their desire to cling to you, but they don’t understand how deep your grief is too and how much you’re struggling.

Putting one foot in front of the other and going on with your life, as difficult & painful as it is, is the only choice we have. I try to honor my loved one by living my life best as I can and loving the people around me. I owe it to my husband and my few friends. Hubby & I go for walks, try to leave the house at least a few times a week. We’re in Florida too, so the weather helps. Sitting in the sun at the beach & watching people enjoying themselves helps.

It’s especially difficult right now, because of Covid, to go out & have fun, connect with other people, make friends. I volunteer @ a Pet Shelter two afternoons a week (wearing a mask), I joined the Community Garden at the local park. I’m watching a lot of comedies on Netflix & Amazon. The local library also has great resources. Anything to fill up the empty days with something that’s at least enjoyable. I try to see a couple of friends a week.

Pls. keep me posted on how you’re doing. I just joined this website.

DaisyGirl