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By loosing a spouse do you loose your own identity?

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Manless, May 20, 2019.

  1. JohnFS

    JohnFS Well-Known Member

    Hello Bill, I am sorry fo your loss. I lost my wife on a April 15th. I just had to comment that your words about we and us ring so true. I don’t know who “me “ is anymore either. I trust in the Lord will guide my way and give me peace and strength in my heart to find out who “me” is. It is a lonely and heartbroken road but I know he walks with me.
     
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  2. Kriss

    Kriss Well-Known Member

    I can so relate. My hubby never got to talk to me either. I keptmtelling him I loved him don’t know if he heard me or not. Within three hours he was gone from a massive sudden heart attack. He never had heart issues in the 33 years I knew him. I wander around this house not sure what I am doing either. It’s only been two months since he has been gone.
     
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  3. Marcia Carey

    Marcia Carey Active Member

    I am so sorry for everyone's loss. We had no preparation for this. I once asked someone if there was a book I missed out on that gave directions for this new life. I am 13 months from my husbands death after 55 yrs of marriage. There is so many firsts. Trying to find the new me. I didn't realize that i had lost me. We were a couple so one died and the other is only half there. I get what I call popcorn brain. 1000 different thoughts at a time. There has been some humor though. We both smoked for 60 years. He did not die from smoking. I quit for the most part. My daughter would come by and I would tell her just leave 1 cigarette. After my husband was gone for 7 months I decided to start doing something with his clothes. Being I am addicted to those things I was dying for a cigarette. I got one of his jackets to donate and checked the pockets and guess what I pulled out. A cigarette! I knew my husband sent it to me. I had to laugh. He has done a lot of that. I did a diary early on and it was a great way to find how far you have travelled. Now I read them and I can see that yes I am doing better. I stay home most of the time but I have no problem entertaining myself. If you just hold on for awhile you will understand what I am talking about.+
     
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  4. Bill Stephens

    Bill Stephens Member

    Thanks, Marcia, it's encouraging to know that you've made it through as far as you have. In my grief share group, it was brought up that no two people go through the same grief process but there are similarities that everyone goes through. I like the thought about doing a diary, I will probably start that tonight. I do think I'm doing better and I have no idea of how I got to this point. I still have my episodes where everything will hit me at once, but I think they are starting to get farther and farther between them. Everyone says that there is no time limit on how long someone will grieve, but it's important to move forward. That doesn't mean that you're moving on, it just means that you're moving forward.
     
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  5. Snowgirl

    Snowgirl New Member

    I
     
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  6. Snowgirl

    Snowgirl New Member

    I agree with all of you and unless you have gone through this horrific nightmare you could not relate. I didn't get to say good-by. Give that hug and kiss and see you later statement. The me that was is gone and when I drive the car I don't relate on where I actually need to go. The people that know and love me think this will ease in time. Maybe the confusion and shock heal but the total lose of him and me will be in my heart and soul always.
     
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  7. Marcia Carey

    Marcia Carey Active Member

    Our spouses will always be with us. Yes each little baby step helps. You have to crawl before you can walk. Make note of your small steps and believe you will eventually get to where you can walk with your spouse by your side. I feel like they are always with us in spirit. I talk to my husband as I am sure he can hear me. I tell him he was supposed to tell me to put the garage door down when I leave. The little mindless stupid things I do are sometimes hard to live with so I just talk to him and blame it on him.LOL
    I am such a believer that God has a plan for all of us.sometimes I will ask God if he would just give me a 6 month sneak peek but it doesn't work that way. I know it is hard but find something good from everyday. Today I had an ice cream sandwich for breakfast. That was my good thing for today. Who knows I might have one for dinner also. Tell mje what good thing you got from today.
     
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  8. Marcia Carey

    Marcia Carey Active Member

    Bill did you get you diary started? That is where you write down what you are feeling. You wont really know how far you've come if you can't look back at where you have been. I don't write in mine every day maybe once a week.
     
  9. Bill Stephens

    Bill Stephens Member

    Hi Marcia, I did get started this morning. I found myself trying to summarize everything that has happened since my wife passed including today. Tomorrow I’ll start just putting in notes on a daily basis. The last few days have been tough emotionally, I’m not sure why. My son asked me if it was anything specific, I don’t know how to describe the loneliness to where someone could understand.

    I like your ice cream idea. Think I’ll go get some dessert.
     
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  10. Marcia Carey

    Marcia Carey Active Member

    That's great. You can tell your son this way. The sun comes up every day. One day you get up in the Sun didn't come up. Now you gotta start all over and learn how to live without the Sun. One step at a time. The Way you knew the Sun was coming up was different now I have to learn how to do without it
     
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  11. Marcia Carey

    Marcia Carey Active Member

    Crying is part of healing.
     
  12. Bill Stephens

    Bill Stephens Member

    If the crying is a part of the healing I have got to be pretty healthy or at least well on my way. The first month or so it seemed like I cried every day. Since then it hasn't been every day but when I do cry now it seems so much more intense. I don't know if I let it build up and that's why it seems that way or if the weight of all just hits harder now.
     
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  13. Marcia Carey

    Marcia Carey Active Member

    Let me tell you about tears. They release something called leu enkephalin.This is a natural pain killer. That is why you feel a little better after you cry. So keep those tears coming. I live in a dry climate so tears are also a lubricant to my face. Keeps you from getting wrinkles. Whoops just looked in the mirror at my face. There is not enough tears for my wrinkles.
     
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  14. WoodMan

    WoodMan Active Member

    It will be 15 weeks Tuesday since my wife Mary died. That’s 103 days. The days go by so slow because I miss her all day long. Crying is an every day thing. I have no identity without her. I went to a neighbors for Fourth of July and I felt she should be there with me. So, I was lonely. Even though 10 other people were there, I felt alone. I had almost a year to prepare for her death. Little did I know nothing can prepare you for losing half of yourself. I find myself hoping that one day I will get back to my former self, then I cry. I will never be back to that person because half of him was gone.
     
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  15. Marcia Carey

    Marcia Carey Active Member

    Woodmen there is no time frame for grief. People do it at their own speed. You did make a giant step by just trying to go to 4th party. You are exactly right about being your former self. My loss has been 13 months but I am still trying to find out who I am. I will say I did all kinds of things to help me build an identity. I read a lot of self help books. I make sure when I watch tv that I only watch light up beat shows. That helped a lot. I watched funniest home videos the other night. I found I could still laugh. That was a shocker. Try to do something everyday for yourself. You will grow into a new person. It just takes time and one heck of a lot of tears.
     
  16. Marcia Carey

    Marcia Carey Active Member

    sorry I guess I can't spell. Woodman. I type with a tremor so a lot of it can be wrong.
     
  17. Bill Stephens

    Bill Stephens Member

    @Marcia Carey thanks for the medicinal info on the tears::). I try and do the same as far as tv shows if it's not upbeat I turn the channel. @WoodMan I know what you mean about feeling alone even though you're around a group of people. I don't know how to explain or get through it, I just know I have to keep plugging along and know that sooner or later I'll understand how to deal with it
     
  18. JohnFS

    JohnFS Well-Known Member

    Another lonely weekend, today was a tough one; got beat up pretty good. The tears wouldn't stop. I pray for strength and peace and the Lord provides because I can feel it but it doesn't mean the pain stops He just helps me deal with it for that moment. I know God will bring me through this but I guess today it was going to get through no matter how much I prayed. My whole body aches.
     
  19. Bill Stephens

    Bill Stephens Member

    @JohnFS
    My heart goes out to you, Thursday and Saturday were particularly bad for me, but you're right God got me through it and I know he'll do the same for you. The only thing I can say is what I feel like the Lord is telling me. Stay the course, I am always with you and I will never leave you or forsake you. It doesn't mean that we won't go through this valley but we do need to remember that the Lord is with us as we go through it.
     
  20. Marcia Carey

    Marcia Carey Active Member

    Well guys let me join the crowd. I cried through an episode of Mash today. The up TV didn't work today. But I am still here.
     
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