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By loosing a spouse do you loose your own identity?

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Manless, May 20, 2019.

  1. Manless

    Manless New Member

    Hi! I'm new to this group and really happy I found out about it, it looks really awesome. I lost my husband by cancer around 8 months ago. All I'm feeling is confused, I can't make any important or even small decisions. I feel like I lost my own self by not believing in myself, I'm self conscious and having a hard time being vulnerable. In other-words I'm not familiar with who I am, I am not the person I was with my husband around. Does any of this sound familiar with any of you?
    Vana and Sandi Clary like this.
  2. lola

    lola New Member

    hello... i'm new to the group too... lost my boyfriend to cancer in December. I can relate to you. I get what i hear is called "widow / widower's fog"... i cannot retain alot of information...and know that most times my brain is full.... i cannot take in alot of new info or make too many new decisions.... i am learning to do things on my own now... it's very difficult... i keep myself very busy.. my mind busy with tasks... like painting, sewing, cleaning.... when it's still.. like in the early morning or later in the evening... it's probably the worst.... i think what you said about the vulnerable... it's ok... we are all vulnerable now... little lost... but maybe.. just maybe ... we are slowly growing back some strength... our hearts have been through a lot... let's continue to move forward one day at a time... i hope that helps:)
  4. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    Oh yes, I know I feel very
    different about myself and
    sad to say, don't like it either.

    As a husband, I had a lot to
    do and was good with that.
    I had a feeling of responsib-
    ility and it was a good thing.

    What I really loved was taking
    care of my wife and that was
    the BEST feeling I could have.

    I don't know what stage I am
    in right now but think it is a
    cross between anger and de-
    nial. I know I loved Sofia very
    much and my ❤ so wishes I
    could still be loving her
    Sandi Clary likes this.
  5. Eve Rosa

    Eve Rosa Member

    I know how hard is. I lost my husband a week ago and I still shock. I'm miss him. I didn't even know he was in risk of losing hes life. His heart just stop. I feel empty and lonely. I can't understand or believe it. Hope we all can go thru it. Even though I was the one who wanted to die not him. He didn't have the chance to say I love you or bye. :(
  6. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    Hello Eva,
    I am so sorry for what you
    are going through. I am a
    little over two monthd and
    a week after losing my wife
    of a yr and 76 days.

    It is a real shame things like
    this happen so fast. Write
    me anytime, Eva.

    Ray G.
    Eve Rosa likes this.
  7. Eve Rosa

    Eve Rosa Member

    Hi Ray,
    Sorry to hear that . I can imagine your pain. Yes, its freaking hard. It been a week and 3 days. I still I shock. I was not ready for that. I didn't even know he was in risk of dying. . His heart stop just like that. I still cant believe it. I cant stop crying and asking myself stuff with no answer. We was connected 24/7 and now nothing. I feel lost and empty. More days s passing and I'm feeling worth.

    I can't turn to anyone. I know people but it's not same. They don't understand my pain.

    How can you deal with your lost?

    Thank you for contacting me.
  8. debbiethatsme

    debbiethatsme New Member

    I am going to say, yes. Society is man and woman. And when one of those has been taken out of the picture, it just doesn’t work the same anymore. Confused, self confidence, decision making, recluse, wake me up is this really happening, lost! Completely lost. I think is all the norm. Thank you for posting. I thought i was nuts and going nowhere. We are all in this crazy thing called “DEAD” together. Huge hugs from me to you.
    ALWAYS A WIFE likes this.
  9. Bill Stephens

    Bill Stephens Member

    I'm new to all of this, I lost my wife suddenly about 6 weeks ago. In some ways I think I'm doing okay, but today I think the one thing that has struck me is the loneliness. I try and fillup my time staying busy but it can't all be about staying busy. The companionship, the part of being "we" or "us" and then suddenly it's being me. I'm not sure after 23 years I know who just "me" is.
  10. debbiethatsme

    debbiethatsme New Member

    Your story is so “us”. All of us that have lost a spouse. I think loneliness verses alone are so different. We didn’t choose to be alone and we got smacked with it. I agree with you too on the point of who “me” is. I sure don’t have the answers. I have just now started the “wake up” process after this the5th, of being alone. And it is with itzy bitty steps. My heart breaks for you because “I get it” and it is so cruel. I never got to say goodbye-I love you etc. the only thing I can offer is baby steps. Take baby steps. I still feel wrong being out shopping. It’s as if I should go home. Life can never be the same for any of us ... can it? The right to my left is gone.
    Bill Stephens likes this.
  11. Bill Stephens

    Bill Stephens Member

    The one thing I've come to realize is that each day is a different day. No matter whether the previous day was a "good" day or a "bad" tomorrow is going to be a different day. I've come to realize that I can't measure how I'm doing on a daily basis. Sometimes I can look back after a week and think that I'm getting stronger but that's really all I can do, then I have to realize that tomorrow is another day. I still look around and think "I can't believe that she's gone", then the realization of her really being gone sinks in. The loneliness is a daily battle, I can be sure that at one point during the day I'll feel it. I try and get out as much as possible but there are so many things I don't want to do alone, going out to eat is a good example. Your right debbiethatsme, Life will never be the same.
  12. DJF

    DJF Member

    Bill and Debbie,
    I lost my wife over 3 months ago after a 6 month battle against cancer. We had been married nearly 36 years (our anniversary was June 4) and since I will be 70 in September, that's over half my life. We (I haven't got used to saying "I") have 2 grown-up sons and a 5 month-old grandson. I have been retired for a couple of years and until the cancer came along, our life was one of pleasant retirement, holidays, seeing our grandson growing up and generally doing what grandparents are meant to do. And now ...
    I was part of a couple and I can't think of myself as single despite the fact that I am alone in the house apart from the dogs. I try to get out each day and talk to someone either in person or on the phone and I try to keep busy with daily things but I am by myself most evenings (not all, since there are a couple of societies I belong to) and yet the only company I really want is the one I can't ever have again. From everything I have learned, things will improve with time and I personally think that that process must involve some degree of change in me and I confess that I find that a bit scary.
    I have lost my better half and that wound will never heal but the pain will hopefully lessen and I will find some way to carry both my grief and love for my wife as I find whatever way is right for me to survive. But I have no idea how long this will take or whether there is anything I should be doing (or not doing) to hasten this along. I get told that I am doing "well" and am doing all the right things but this is hard stuff.
    Bill Stephens likes this.
  13. Bill Stephens

    Bill Stephens Member

    I'm like you DJF, I still haven't got used to not saying "we". At first, I tried to correct myself but after a while, I just figured that is one of those things that is going to take awhile. I try and stay as busy as I can when not working, and I go to bible studies and grief counseling during the week. But at the end of the day, I'm by myself, when I'm out I'm conscious of my wife not being with me, but at the end of the day is when it really sinks in. I mentioned I was going to grief counseling, it's called Grief share and if I'm honest I can say that it has helped in that even though I already knew I wasn't the only person who has gone through something like this, it helps to hear a lot of my feelings coming from someone else's mouth. I guess it helps me realize that what I'm thinking and feeling is not unusual. It doesn't help with the loss or the loneliness, I'm beginning to understand that only time will help there.
  14. DJF

    DJF Member

    Before I met my wife, I was single and I guess there were times that I felt alone, but what I feel most of the time these days is something a bit more since it isn't just company I want, it is the company of the one person that I will never see or talk to again in this life and I am afraid that I do not have enough faith to be convinced that we will be reunited after my death. Leaving aside any considerations/beliefs about the afterlife, for 36 years I was part of a couple and while we had separate interests, daily stuff was done together, even if the tasks were divided up. So my job in the garden was to mow the grass and dig the garden under directions. And even if the task was some sort of repair work that was solely my province, there would be conversation and a sense of sharing in home (rather than "house") maintenance. That's gone and while I push myself to do the things that need doing, I do so knowing that there will be no pat on the back afterwards or consultation/conversaton before and during.
    I think I find that the hardest to bear and if my mind starts to think about that, I start crying as I am now.
    I want to know that this gets easier to bear because right now it is just awful.
    I am going to a local meeting of bereaved people tomorrow (well today actually since it is 2:25 am) and hopefully I will get some hope. I'll post how it went.
  15. Bill Stephens

    Bill Stephens Member

    DJF, I can tell you that I am a believer, Jesus Christ is my Lord and Saviour. Honestly, without Jesus in my life, I wouldn't have made it through any of this. My wife and I were not "social" people. It wasn't that we didn't enjoy being around other people, it was more of we just enjoyed being with each other and didn't see the need to get out and socialize. Since she passed I have thrown myself back into my church and making sure I stay in the Word. It helps me stay focused and for me, I do believe that I will see my wife again. The griefshare group that I mentioned earlier is a church-based group, and I hope that the one you are attending is as well, I'm not saying that if it isn't it won't help, but the longer I am going through this I believe that being grounded in Christ is the only way through.

    It has also helped with the loneliness, although at the end of the night when I'm at home alone with my pups, that is still the toughest part to each day. I wish I could tell you there was a proven process to make it through. If there is one I hope we both find it and soon. Hang in there friend, talk to as many people as you can, go to grief counseling, and pray.
  16. WoodMan

    WoodMan Active Member

    Bill, I am feeling the same. My Mary and I were together 47 years. We did everything as a couple. She loved to mow the yard, I did the weedeating. She worked the flower beds but I lifted the heavy things. She died March 26 and I cry for her every day. I do not feel whole without her.

    I am not sure about the after life either. Mary firmly believed she was going to a better place. Why did she leave me?

    I have someone come in every two weeks to help clean. I do pretty good but she takes up my slack!

    I go to counseling and a monthly bereavement group. I think it helps. It is not faith based.
    Roseann likes this.
  17. Bill Stephens

    Bill Stephens Member

    Woodman, I truly believe that my faith in Jesus and the fact that my wife wouldn't stand for me lying down and giving up are the two reasons I keep going. Jesus is the main reason, for me, there is no doubt. I know how I was when I didn't have Christ as the focal point in my life. When I get ambushed by a picture or come across a letter that I find in a drawer, the hurt and knowledge that my wife isn't with me right now is overwhelming and almost unbearable. But I lean on Jesus, I read my bible, the people that I've met at Church are there for me. There is an unlimited number of things I know that I could do to fill up the times when I am hurting the most, a lot of them would not be good for me. But I choose to lean on my faith in Jesus.

    I wish I knew why my wife isn't with me. If I knew the answer, believe me, I would pass it on. There are a lot of things that happen in life that we don't see, I choose to believe that God knows what is best for me and that He also knows what is best for my wife. It's not the answer I want, but it's the only answer I have right now.

    I do know this, there is no future without hope, for me it's the hope that I will see my wife again. The only way I know that I will see her again is through Jesus.

    I walk through this daily, I don't try and jump ahead because honestly one day at a time is all I can handle right now. I was off work for 4 weeks after my wife passed and this is the 2nd week I've been back at work. It's easier to get through a day when I have work to deal with, after work in the evenings, I try and fill my time with Bible studies, going to grief counseling, or taking care of some the daily chores of living like cleaning the house, taking care of the pups or I try talking to family and old friends on the phone. I believe I'm getting stronger, but I also know that my wife isn't with me as well.

    I've rambled but the last thing I'll say is that I know as sure as I'm typing this that my wife would be all over my case is I laid down and gave up, that's another reason I keep going.
  18. Roseann

    Roseann New Member

    I am so sorry
    I am 4 years out
    I still grieve but I do receive signs from my husband
    Special songs
    I still see a grief counselor
    Seems like the only one who can still let me grieve
    Bill Stephens likes this.
  19. WoodMan

    WoodMan Active Member

    Roseann, I can’t imagine four years from now. I can still see my wife laying on the bed the day she died in hospice. The image is too real, so I just break down and cry. I can’t bear to look at pictures, I know they should bring back good memories but I just cry. It’s all just a blur. I have some days that are better than others but I cry every day. What is it like four years out?
  20. Roseann

    Roseann New Member

    It gets better in that I function better
    Do I have sad days ?
    I work on connecting with my husband
    I ask for signs
    Sometimes I get them
    It helps a lot
    I truly did not want to live for two years as so many others did but not my time
    Grief books helped me a lot also
    Afterlife books and books on near death experiences