Apparently, I am doing much worse than I thought

My little brother died on January 22, 2020. He was only 36 years old. He deserved to have a chance to have a happy life. My husband of 16 years has been asking me to get help. I thought I was coping ok. Even though I knew I was not, deep down. I have always had a tendency to drink alcohol, and over the years I’ve had bouts of heavy drinking and that is the only way I let my true feelings out. The love of my life asked me if I still wanted him tonight. My heart broke. He is the most amazing person I have ever known. He told me some of the mean, shitty things I have said to him over the past months when I’ve been drunk. I feel like such a piece of shit right now. But I want to do better. I want to be able to function and not just wait until the weekend every week so I can get fucked up. I know I need to abstain and stay sober. But after I lost James, the only way I could get any sleep was if I got buzzed. I drank every fucking day for three months. Not to oblivion, (listen to me excusing my shit) but if I laid down at night-my mind would obsess about the fact that my little brother was buried in the cold, dark ground, alone. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The only time I stopped thinking about it is when I was a little bit fucked up. I couldn’t even go to his grave for eight fucking months! I could not handle that he was buried below me, alone, cold, being rained on and snowed on. I wanted so much to just “be ok” and feel better as time passed. But I’m not ok. This last week I have been a bitch to both my husband and and my sweet daughter. She is 11 years old and she needs her mama so much right now. I feel like a fucking failure as a wife and mother. I thought that the fact I have kept my job all year was the most important thing. But it isn’t. I am so angry. And so devastated. And so ANGRY! My brother deserved a second chance at life, to be with his kids, to find love, to find who he really was inside. But a fucking random blood clot to the lungs (he worked out several times a week, really pretty healthy) ripped him away in the dead of night. I need to get these feelings out. I need to not take out my pain on the two people I love more than anything in this life. Thanks for listening.

 

I understand more than you know. My sister passed away a year ago due to cancer and I havent been the same since. I also have the drinking issue...now I'll stay up till 4 am when my husband begs me to go to bed with him because my brain won't stop running....and I'm terrified of my thoughts alone in a dark room. I care for my sister's baby who is almost 4 but wont eat or talk anymore since she passed and I have an 8 month old baby of my own. I struggle to find it fair that I get this life and she isnt here idk what to do or who to talk to. I've just been fucked up since I held her hand and she took her last breath.

 

Thank you for sharing your situation and current feelings. My brother passed away on Jan 19, 2020 very unexpected by everyone. Though I don't use alcohol to help cope, some of the same emotions and dynamics are present for me too. Especially anger. I found this website in the hope that I can move through this and get to the other side of feeling healthy in all ways again. I sincerely hope so for you too. Losing a brother is tough for SO many reasons.

 

(somehow this got posted above as being your thoughts, so I am posting it here instead. sorry about that.)

Dear Labeth,
Thank you for sharing with us. It is good for you to share your true feelings with us because we can understand and care about the situation you find yourself in.
Please bear with me as I share also. Our only true hope for our loved ones that have passed is in God. When my son committed suicide at 28 years old, even my chiropractor who was not religious said, "He knew where to go. You taught him."
Shawn was absolutely tormented and miserable mentally suffering much, and the night before his suicide, we called his neurologist on the phone that night and begged her to help him. The only thing she could say was, "He sure is manipulative isn' t he? I can't help him. You will have to get somoeone else." And this is after I had asked her to begin with, if he should see a psychiatrist. Her response then was, "They will only see him every three months and give him medication. I can do that." I foolishly believed her.
That night when his Dr. rejected helping him, I am sure he knew no one on this earth was going to help him and his only hope was God. He knew about how much God loved us. He knew Jesus gave His life in our place and no man has any greater love than this.
Your brother has a soul which is not just buried in the cold, dark ground alone being snowed on and rained on. God loves your brother and He will be completely fair to him. There is more to this life than appears on the surface.
I hope you can find some hope and comfort in the truth of this for your sake and the sake of your family.
We need not spend eternity separated from the ones we love most. Jesus made a way for this to turn out differently than maybe how you have thought about it in the past.
I care about how you are.
Chris

 

Dear Christi, I am sorry about the loss of your brother. Stay in contact on this site. We all have lost a loved one and your will find support and understanding here.
Chris