Fair warning, I'm not sure how long this post will be.. This is the first time I've ever been completely on my own. Most of my life, I lived with my mom. After I found out I was pregnant in 2016, January of 2017 I moved back in with her and had my daughter in May. My daughter's father also moved in with us for several months, but abruptly moved out and we haven't heard from him since. (She'll be 4 in May) After I had my daughter, I suffered from pretty severe postpartum depression that went untreated for a while. Mom took care of nearly everything I couldn't, when it came to caring for my daughter. I didn't realize just how depressed I was, because I constantly did things to occupy myself. Played online games, communicated with friends and other family, over ate nearly everything and still do, etc. In 2019, my Grandfather got very sick and was in ICU. We ended up traveling down to where he lived on Long Island and shortly after that, he passed away. We stayed in his house for nearly a year until it sold and moved back upstate, December of 2019. Come spring/summer of 2020 and mom started feeling absolutely horrible. No one knew what was going on.. It finally got so bad that she ended up in the hospital on more than one occasion. While there being checked for various things, they discovered something on her lung. A referral was made so it could be checked, but before that could even happen, she was in Albany medical in August and passed by September. I was the one who received the call at 5:17 a.m. about her passing. My brother, sister in law and I at least saw her the day before, even though she wasn't alert. We talked to her, showed her pictures of the kids (I have a niece and nephew who are 7 and 8) and told her how much we loved her. To make this a little shorter, I wasn't as affected by it as I thought I'd be, at first. By December though, I couldn't get off my couch. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't drink anything.. All I did was smoke cigarettes every few minutes and lay back down after. I was neglecting my daughter even more than when my mom was still here. I was severely dehydrated from not eating/drinking and was having dizzy spells. They felt like seizures. I reached out to my brother who lives next door to us and I had an ambulance bring me to the hospital. I was also hallucinating, thinking I was seeing ghosts and hearing voices, while I was attempting to sleep at night. I thought I was losing my mind, honestly. They found nothing serious wrong with me, but treated my dehydration. The doctor asked me if I thought I was depressed and I said yes. I let myself get so bad, there was almost no coming back from it. I'm in a slightly better place now, but am still having trouble moving on. I relied on my mom for EVERYTHING. She was my best friend. My depression is slightly under better control, but my anxiety is fierce. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, recently.. But prior to that, was always told it was generalized anxiety. It honestly took my mom passing away, to try and be a better person. A better mother to my daughter. A better sister, since my brother is allowing us to live here without paying rent right now. (he owns this house and the one he lives in, next to us) It just doesn't feel real, still. The crying has subsided a bit, but I still find myself questioning nearly everything and anything. I don't know how to do this. One step at a time, I know. One day at a time. Everyone, including my brother and father, think I should be better by now. It's nearly 8 months since she's passed. I still can't seem to cope, though. I feel completely lost without her. I feel as if I'll never get better and never move on, from this. Everyone has a different story. A different circumstance. A different way of handling their grief. I'm currently in therapy and trying to get other health issues in order. Between my mom passing, potty training my daughter, enrolling her in Pre-K, constant doctors visits/telehealth, watching my niece and nephew because they're being homeschooled, taking care of my daughter, packing up mom's things because she has far too much of nearly everything and figuring out how I'm going to support my daughter and myself, while getting all the other stuff in order.. I'm overwhelmed. Constantly. Anyway, that's the gist of it all. I have a lot more to say, but don't want to keep writing and writing, because I'll never stop. If you read any of this, thank you.
I'm so sorry for your loss. You are so unbelievably strong to be grieving through all this and also raising a little girl yourself. It does get better, I promise. When my mom died, I had to handle all of the logistics and went back to work quickly after. I stayed busy and tried to distract myself but constantly felt overwhelmed and exhausted; in part, because there was so much to do and I was feeling so much, but also in part because the person I had turned to for advice and support, who I always knew would have my back was gone. It puts a new level of pressure on everything. I know this can't possibly make a dent in the overwhelm you are feeling, but are you taking time for yourself? Beyond getting your health in order... are you doing any self-care routines that are truly for you? It doesn't have to be expensive (or cost anything) and can just take a couple of minutes of your day. Just something to bring you a moment of peace or joy. You have been through trauma. You have lost the one person whose number one priority was forever and always to make sure you were taken care of. You owe it to her to take care of you, too.
Hi and thank you for commenting. I'm honestly not sure where to begin, even though she passed in September of last year. I have a fierce anxiety and overthink absolutely everything there is to think about. I'm trying to get in control of it, but it's not easy. I'm on medication for both anxiety AND depression, but am hoping I can at least get off the depression med, at some point. My anxiety was under control, until she passed away. I was also dealing with postpartum depression that went untreated for a few years, and my daughter's dad walked out in 2018. We weren't married and my mom was the only one helping me raise my daughter, who'll be 4 on May 12th. This is my first time ever truly alone, with no help for anything and I'm trying. I'm really trying. I go without sleep and deal with side effects and medication withdrawals on a regular basis. When my anxiety is bad, the physical symptoms are too and I can't control them. I'm currently in therapy and also talk to a psychiatric nurse practitioner, but so far it's taking a while to get to the root of everything. Not just my mom dying. I don't work. I don't drive. I do have a license I need to renew and I don't have a car. I don't really have a life and that's even before the pandemic. Most of my time was spent indoors, with my mom and daughter. I'm still figuring things out on how to be a mom, myself. I love my daughter more than anything in this world, but I'm struggling. My brother lives next door with his family. He owns the house I'm in and the house he's in. He's letting us live here without paying anything, right now. I applied for SSI and am hoping something will happen with that so I can help somehow. My father still supports me and I'll be 41 in October. I feel like a loser, really.. Even though I know not all of this is my fault. When my mom was fine, she did everything for my daughter. I occupied myself online frequently, and popped on the TV to occupy my daughter, instead of spending quality time with her. Teaching her. Playing with her. My mom even bathed her. Now I'm the one doing it all and it's the way it SHOULD'VE been, all along. Except, I still struggle. I'm constantly overwhelmed with whatever is going on. I can't even make a proper grocery list, because I get anxious trying to figure out what to cook for that week/month. I'm semi dieting. I need to lose more weight because I have high cholesterol. My sister in law drives my daughter and I to every doctor's appointment and to the grocery store. Her and my brother both work, so I watch their 2 kids often because they're being homeschooled right now. My daughter might be starting Pre-K in the fall, so I've been potty training and teaching her all the things she needs to learn, including how to dress herself. Brush her teeth. Etc. I have also been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder by the nurse practitioner I speak to, from mental health. I know that's not a reason to give up, so I don't. At the same time though, I will always be like this and my brother thinks I should get off most of the medications I'm on. I have ups and downs nearly every day. There's no happy medium. I constantly think about what I'd do if I couldn't live here anymore and needed to move. How would I support my daughter when I don't drive or work? I know I need to figure that all out. I feel useless, most of the time. I'm not suicidal or anything, but am very hard on myself. That's me in a nutshell. I do try to take care of myself when I'm able to, but again.. It's not easy. "Me" time is usually me trying to focus on something I enjoy like a movie or something, after my daughter goes to sleep. Focusing is not a strong point, though. It's always about me, me, me and how I feel. I honestly never feel right. Always in pain or dealing with nausea. I have low self esteem. Always have. My mom dying was just the icing on the cake. She always made me feel more "normal". I know my family loves me, otherwise I wouldn't still be living here and my dad wouldn't still be helping me financially, when necessary. But still, this all needs to come to a head. I know this is a lot... Trust me, I have a huge weight on my shoulders. I'm also sorry too, about your mom. I should've said that at the beginning of this "rant".
