I don't know how to ...BE without him. Hell, I'm still waking up wondering why it's me opening my eyes and not him! I still question if he did it intentionally only bc he was so smart. The official document states accidental overdose. Whether or not I believe it doesn't matter. People offered an ear within the week I lost my son, apparently there's a time limit on compassion. Yet, I hold responsibility for not really replying other than saying I'm okay, thank you for your concern. Here's the the thing, I'm not OKAY! Truth? I'm "okay" not hearing you'll pray me, not telling me everything happens for a reason, You'll see him again one day, TIME heals everything! And everyone handles grief differently! What the kjytgsghiihg*%$#@ is this supposed to mean?!!! Of course everyone handles it differently! Especially when they're not going through it!! Oh and my favorite, People just don't know what to say! I know this one well bc I've used it! People don't know what to say bc they are uncomfortable., and they don't want the long story about someone they didn't know or barely knew. And the ones that did? Theres many different scenarios. The ones I continue to run into are wanting revenge or worse..silence, like he never existed. And TIME doesn't heal none of this, nor does it bring him back. And this is all I think about! I.will.never .have. my son.my best friend.my long conversations about anime, music,conspiracies,...I'll never have the real me back! It's been less then 6 months and I'm supposed to what? Move on? I'm such a mess that I take on as many projects as possible just so I don't think! Meanwhile, everyone around me is demanding my time and asking What's wrong? Are you kidding me?! I recently tattooed my hand saying F&*@ off. My only regret is offending complete strangers that are nice. I realize and fully accept the B $&*@! I appear to be. As well as my ego that won't allow me to give of thought that I could have and should be a better human being. Losing my son isn't a justification. It just feels like a finalization.
