40 days apart

Discussion in 'Suicide Loss' started by Missmyangels, Mar 23, 2019.

  1. Missmyangels

    Missmyangels Member

    Hi everyone. I posted my story in another forum but I also wanted to put it here because I lost two people in two different ways. I lost my brother, my only sibling, to suicide on September 23, 2018. It was a complete shock to everyone. He was so successful and happy and had two little girls who were his world. 34 days after he passed, my mom had a seizure..multiple seizures that she never woke up from. Six days later she passed away. I literally lost half of my immediate family in 40 days . She never had a seizure in her life. I can't make sense of any of it. My dad is so lost.. they would have celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary next Friday. I worry about him constantly. It's very difficult trying to be a wife, a mother, a caregiver at work, and a daughter to someone who needs me while I try to work through my own grief. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...
     
  2. cclay

    cclay Member

    My experience is much more recent but similar. After my son passed, I've had to be the one to handle things because my wife was and still is understandably a mess. As such I've found that instead of breaking down every time I want to, I end up suppressing those emotions which gives me a headache every time. So far I've held up but I know eventually something will have to give.

    I guess the key for me is writing. It helps me to stay focused and calmer and is a way that can be both public and private, depending on what you want it to be. I'm not saying that writing is the best solution for you, especially with your time constraints. My wife recently told me something she'd just read about grieving, and to me it made sense though I haven't tried it yet. She said that no matter how busy a person is, to set aside fifteen minutes a day just to grieve.

    Use that time to cry, scream, beat on the walls or whatever the mind seems to need. It's just a thought, but I thought I'd mention it. My hope is that you do find your way to the peace that you deserve.

    Chuck
     
  3. Missmyangels

    Missmyangels Member

    I am so sorry about the loss of your son. As well as the loss of who your wife once was. Thank you so much for your wonderful advice. I will do my best to allow myself a breakdown every day in the hopes that you do the same. I understand keeping it all inside and being strong for those around you but it is so important to let it out or it will tear you up inside. One thing that helps me, maybe it will help you too, is that I have a journal that I write directly to my mom and brother in. I start each page with dear Mom.. or dear Brian.. and sometimes I just tell them about my day as if they were just on vacation. I know they will never read it but it helps to get it out of me. Though sometimes it backfires and I start to think about everything they are going to miss. Grief is such a hard, confusing process and I know that it will never end.. I heard that grief is all of the love that you still have for the person who passed.. that's why it hurts so much. I truly hope you find a sense of peace one day as well.
     
  4. cclay

    cclay Member

    Grief being all of the love that we had for them. I intend to remember that. It makes grieving more understandable in a way. I also like your suggestion of writing to him. It really will bring me some comfort, I think and I intend to try it. Tomorrow would have been his 35th birthday. Might be a good day to start writing to him 'cause that day is going to be a hard one!

    I think with time we'll heal, like a scar. It fades away but it'll always be there. I think the quiet moments in the future will be what tries to get us. Those quiet times when our thoughts are free to roam, and perhaps we'll shed a tear but so long as we want to be OK, I think we will be. Hope to hear from you again just to know how you're doing down the road.

    Have a pleasant evening,

    Chuck
     
  5. Missmyangels

    Missmyangels Member

    I would love to stay in touch with you. You will make it through tomorrow.. it may not seem like you will but, you will. I lost both of mine right before all the holidays and anniversaries and somehow we got each other through. It's important to remember to take care of yourself too.. your wife as well. Have a nice night
    Rebecca