January 5th 2019, my beautiful, blue eyed son Morgan died. I feel so alone in my grief and yet I'm surrounded by friends and family who are so loving and caring. They want to help but I dont know what I need, how I feel. I have spent weeks dry-eyed with occasional crying jags. Cant stop worrying that I'm not crying much. Feeling judged ( "you are so strong, if one of my children died I would be a basket case"). Judging myself is exhausting. Am I grieving right? Why am I mostly calm, am I a horrible person because I can see beauty in the world. Anger, I dont feel any. I feel like my life has slowed down and the world is moving so much faster. Everything I do is slower. I forget to eat or it tastes wrong, I make a coffee and dont drink it. I use to speed read, now I read every word, sometimes twice. I find myself driving and realise I dont remember parts of the journey. I resent that I'm back at work, bills to pay etc, dying is expensive. Mostly why am I able to be kind to family and friends in their grief for Morgan's death but I'm constantly questioning myself and how I'm grieving?
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my son, Jacob, on Sept 11 2018 and I had a lot of the same concerns. I haave made it through the first six months keeping my head up and still being me, but it was always there. Not so much the presence of my loss as the absence of my baby. He was 23 and my heart. You are grieving how you grieve, I don't think there is a right or wrong. I will say I made it almost six months and thought I was fine. Now, I feel loke,I am drowning in the loss of my son. Now that everyone arounfmd me has begun to find their feet and their path forward, I feel like I am falling. I guess I am saying, let yourself feel things in your own time. And I am again so sorry.
Thanks for your kind words, I too am sorry that you have lost your precious boy Jacob. I'm trying to be kind to myself, as in allowing myself to feel whatever I feel. I worked out the other day that grief is lonely, its something you do on your own and it sucks my baby is dead. I miss him, there is so much empty space.
