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15 yo niece died of suicide before Christmas

Discussion in 'Suicide Loss' started by AnchorsAway, Jan 2, 2020.

  1. AnchorsAway

    AnchorsAway New Member

    So I am new here. Not sure how to go about this.

    My 15 year old niece recently died of suicide. After she got home from school, she got in the bathtub and shot herself in the chest. Less than an hour and a half later, her mom arrived and found her.

    Back up a little bit. I had just finished dinner with my wife and two kids. I was wrapping up the laundry for the day when my wife said my sister was on the phone. She said she has bad news. I take the phone and try to find a quiet place so I could hear her. She says my niece(my brother's daughter) shot herself. I said ok... She says it's bad. I say okayy... She continues, "She's gone". I could only say "oh no". She says she's at their house because the mom had called her freaking out and asked her to come. She was out in the street and there were police there talking to the mom. She was being isolated and questioned as investigators did their jobs. My sister says she already called my other sister but she could not call my dad. My dad lives alone about 2 hours away, so I told her I have to go see him and tell him. So when I got off the phone I related all of this to my wife and told her I have to go to my dad. He's elderly and we've experienced a lot of losses in the past 6 years. I felt the right thing to do was go be with him when I tell him the news of his granddaughter. So I packed a bag. I held my wife and i hugged my kids. Then i drove home to tell my dad. My other sister lived nearby and she met me there. He knew it was not good. We hadn't called ahead and we were opening the door and calling his name. So we went in and told him there was bad news. He was visibly shocked and instantly saddened. It still had not hit me. I was sad but more mad and I had a lot of questions. So I spent the night, had lunch at a local cafe with my dad, and went back to my family later that day. That night we broke it to my kids, although we did not tell them it was suicide. We just said it was an accident.

    At this point it has been nearly 3 weeks and I still have not felt overwhelmed with emotion. I am sad and disappointed. I don't think I'm in denial. I think what I feel is what they say numbness is like. I can't really describe it. My niece meant the world to me and there are a lot of feelings I have in regard to her. We were starting to rebuild a relationship that had been damaged by the last death in our family about 3 years ago. It was her dad, my brother. He had died of a gunshot wound to the chest. She and I were somewhat estranged. We knew we loved each other but I had said some mean things to her mother right after my brother died. Also, she couldn't bear seeing me as I reminded her of her dad. Anyway, I apologized to her mom and it wasn't long before she and I were texting some and I could come see her perform in drill team at her HS football game. I saw her once before the season was over. That was nearly 2 months before she died.

    I feel regret for not having a stronger bond with her. It's hard not to feel that maybe that could've made the difference. I wish we had been on much better terms.

    I feel so sorry for her. She apparently was determined to succeed in this endeavor. She had tried with pills back when her dad died. She was hospitalized and she went to therapy for a while.

    I am confused because she was a very outgoing and cheerful person. Always uplifting to her peers. She was very active in church, she was highly focused on school, she had short term goals to achieve her long term goals. She was constantly on the go with all her activities. I don't know if there was some falling out with someone or what. My sister said there may have been a boy problem.