Now What

Lost my husband almost 2 years ago. Everyone seems to have disappeared. Moved home to sister and best friend...no time for me. Don't fit it with anyone's life. Alone with my little dog 24 hours a day. Don't know how much longer i can go on like this.

 

Hi Abbydabby. I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband suddenly a year and a half ago. He was 58 and we were married almost 36 years. Like you, I don't feel like I fit in anywhere anymore. I am suddenly different. I come home from work to my dog that I am so thankful for. I wish I had some great words of wisdom or some miracle answer for you but I don't. I keep hearing that the best thing to do is to keep busy which is difficult when you have no desire to do anything. I push myself to go out with some friends even though I just want to be alone. Their conversations seem so inconsequential but it passes some time, it gets me out of the house. I guess that is my great advice. Try and join a club or meet people at the dog park. My daughter tells me that I have to force myself to do things the first couple of times and it will get easier. I guess it has a little. When my husband passed away, my cousin's words were the only ones that seemed to be accurate. She said, "There are no words, just prayers." I pray that God gives you the strength to get through each day, that He eases your pain and that the memories of your husband bring you comfort and strength to carry on.

 

Your cousin is right on! I keep my husband's picture on my screen saver and I fill him in on my day every evening. It eases my pain and it take me to happy places. Nights are terrible for me and I am grateful that my little dog sleeps with me. I like the feeling of movement during the night when he wiggles around. Let those memories bring you up, not down. I can guess what my husband would say to me wen I present a situation. He continues to be part of me. He didn't used to be in may life, he continues to be in my life and that has saved my life. May peace come to you readily.

 

It's all so true.......It seems like people expect us to "get over it, move along, meet people...." But I just don't want to. I don't want to be around people who love me - much less meeting new people. I don't want to have to "share my pain with others" AND I don't want people telling me to believe god has a reason for taking him....What possible reason could there be for taking a kind person? So me & my dog just hang out. She's a good little friend who doesn't mind all my tears. Good luck to us all

 

I am so sorry for your loss. I too have lost the love if my life 4 months ago. We had so much love and life around us and it’s weird that it is all gone. But I am thankful for my kids, grandchildren and my kitties that my husband loved so much. He spoiled them all and now they are comfort for me. I too am just taking it one day at a time. Some good and some bad but I know he wouldn’t want me to give up, so I don’t for him. I don’t know if you ever get over it as dumb people say. But I can’t let them affect me so I just go on and chose who I want to be around right now. You need to surround yourself with good people and that just might be a new or different person because the old ones just don’t get it right now. The people you think would be there for u and understand just aren’t. But someone u never thought of will. At least that how it has been for me. Friends from different city or states contact me to see how I am more then someone I live next door to (my own sister and brother in law) it’s weird but have to accept it. It nice to talk to someone that is going Thur this process to.

 

Glad you have such a great support system...including the kitties!!! I don't have anyone...sister that touches base every couple months...even though she lives 5 miles away...and a good friend that has a big family envoirnment and kind of focuses on them...my thoughts and prayers are with you!!!

 

You sound like we are living the same life....wow

 

With good intentions...everyone says move on...get out...they WILL NEVER KNOW UNTIL IT HAPPENS TO THEM

 

Now what is a good question. Three months for me today. My husband was my biggest cheerleader when I decided to strike out on my own in my business. The first time he was hospitalized in '15 I stopped everything referred people out. When he got better I had to start up again, he then had more hospitalizations, and would bounce back, so I continued to work through these times as much as I could. Now some business is finally coming in from past clients, that hard work that he supported me through. And he's the one I want to share my successes with, but can't, so now what?

Hi Abbydabby, you're not alone here, sorry for your loss. I too have a sister close by that barely contacts me.

 

I think we are all in the same boat. We don’t know what to do with our lives. My sister is next door and no contact unless she needs something lol . At least I can laugh about it now. Prayers for everyone.

 

Wow, next door. I'm glad you can laugh about it, I guess that's all you can do.

 

Yep for sure. I have cried enough so just over everything and everyone. It’s sad but u have to protect yourself or at least that’s the way I feel about it. I can only try to get though the days sometimes and then when there is a setback like some shit happens that brings me down and causes a melt down, thank god I have a daughter and son that helps me calm down. I am trying not to control everything and let go of the crap cause I found out that I have no control over the things that I want to control. Just trying to keep my head up and trying to take a breathe every now and then.

 

It's funny how it doesn't take much to melt down. I hit the wrong button on the TV remote and couldn't get the picture back for a while. I was over the top frustrated. Under normal circumstances it wouldn't have bothered me. Little things can just set you off. Being busy helps, but some days it takes motivation.

 

So true and the craziness in the world these days doesn’t help either. Sometimes u just want to stay in your house and chill away from the world and people but u can’t do that cuz then u would never get strong. I am trying every day to get stronger. Hope everyone else is too. Have a great weekend or at these try.

 

I want my old boat back......;;;;

 

Abbydabby, Time, grief and loss. Each of these can be unforgiven. Time can crawl and move so slow for us. Grief can be unending and so hard to move beyond. Loss is something we might never want to acknowledge or accept, and can eat us up inside if we don't try to cope with it.

No amount of time will ever erase what we all have lost. Sure our memory may fog, but the absence you face will not be washed away with time. I have found that remembering what I have lost helps me to cope, my tears are my own, life and its outcomes are what I grieve over.

But with time, reaching into our memory, and opening up to others about what we lost, what the loss meant to us, is what we all need to cope. We can’t dismiss those who are no longer with us, but we can remember all the great times we had with them. We can share what we loved about them.

Sure we are diminished by this loss, but if you think about it, those memories you hold inside are what made us happier, and so paging through your life to those times help us remember but also help us heal slowly inside.

Some people try to escape and forget hoping that will make them feel better. But all you do by doing that is prolong the agony of your loss.

Love is an amazing thing. It takes a hold of us all. We might act foolish, but it is a natural thing. So by remembering what we had, and there is no time limit, it helps us to move through life, it helps us recover, slow as that might be, but it does help slowly heal us inside.

Please don’t keep that hurt inside, open up, talk, let others feel and see your words. Share a memory of two, and let those moments help you heal over time.

You are no longer alone. There are others here who have lost. Peace be with you tonight.

-david

 

Well said David. That was beautiful.

 

I've written the same experience on a post about choosing who to be around, understanding really does come from places you wouldn't expect and some people you think would be of help but are non at all !?? Dan

 

That’s so true, my support is pretty much gone. But there has been some surprising support from people I’d never expect. And for whatever reason, their support feels even better! It’s crazy but true. You just never know. Plus I’ve learned if by some crazy miracle someone says let’s do lunch, I say yes thanks, how about..... and set day and time.
My thoughts are with you all
Robin

 

Some wonderful and insightful comments here. So true, people you wouldn't expect to let you down do, and others step up. That old saying about one door closes and another one opens is so true. A budding friendship from my workout class during the time my husband was ill blossomed, and when he passed she stuck by my side more than anyone, she was there from beginning to end at the wake, same for the next day at the funeral she even drove behind the hearse. I expected my sister to stick by me during this time, but instead when she left from the wake before the end I asked her what time would she be at the chapel in the morning to go to the church, she asked me what time, she then replied it depended on what time she got up and then said she'd maybe go directly to the church, my new friend her jaw dropped. After my sister walked away, she said, don't worry I'll be with you, you won't be alone. I was so touched, I wasn't expecting this from her she certainly didn't have to do this. My sister, yes she didn't make it to the church on time, my husband's Uncle is a Deacon and spoke at the service, this was halfway through, I commented on it, that it was a great speech, she then said I missed it I was late. I don't think she gets how hurt I am over this. She blamed me when I told her, she said that I seemed like I didn't want her around at the wake, it wasn't that at all. I was just busy with people coming up to me the whole evening, I wasn't there to entertain her. I don't get it, she went through this, I was with her the whole time when her husband passed, I saw that she was busy with people. I went around and
picked up coffee cups, answered questions from people and tried to help. I haven't seen her since the funeral lunch. She got mad that my schedule didn't align with hers, that I was trying to work. She hasn't called or texted since then. I haven't either, maybe I should, I just don't have it in me now.

Another new friend that also lost a spouse recently. Back to my friend that day, a workout buddy, also a Marine, maybe a sense of service and what's right.

Semper Fi!