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I lost my husband almost 5 months ago

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Handcrafter2, Sep 1, 2016.

  1. Handcrafter2

    Handcrafter2 Member

    Loosing my husband suddenly has really turned my life upside down. My family for the most part have been very comforting but I guess it has now worn off some by some of my family. I don't have a good relationship with my son as he and his wife don't get along very well, she is controlling and narcisstic and a lot of the family doesn't care too much for her. That really hurts as my son was a great support for me until his wife put a stop to it.
    My daughter and grandkids have been a great comfort to me as well as my son in law. I have some friends that care and check up on me. I find the nights the hardest. I just need to connect with others who suffered a loss and would like to support them if I can.

    I hope to find friends here as well as be one.

    Handcrafter2
     
    Brandy and griefic like this.
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Hi Handcrafter - thank you for being here. I believe there are many who can relate to your story and what you are going through. Just this week we published on our blog an article about this type of challenge, titled, "Your Grief is Terrifying to Those Around You" (you can find it under our resource page).
    While it doesn't explain every person and every circumstance, it does illustrate why some friends and family seem to react the way they do.
    As for the nights being the hardest, this is something I have heard over and over again. While many who are grieving feel they are able to cope "okay" during the day ("okay" being a relative term, of course), the nights and weekends are especially challenging. Why is that? Well, it could be because we're busier on weekdays and more able to keep ourselves busy and distracted with people, appointments, and tasks. The house is quiet at night, and the silence opens up and invites our thoughts and our grief in a way that's different from the daytime. Perhaps it's also that nights and weekends were often times we spent at home, with our families, and we feel the void of their loss more at those times.
    Part of the reason this site was created is because the internet is "always open". I find a good portion of the people who join our site do it in the evening and on the weekends.
    We are a new site but growing very quickly and each day there are more and more people joining who are available to connect with you. I'm glad you're here and in time, I know you will find the support you are looking for. Thanks for joining...
     
  3. Judy L F

    Judy L F Guest

    Hi, I lost my husband of 53 years in June of this year and am hoping to find some friends with a similar situation.
     
  4. Judy L F

    Judy L F Guest

    Hi... I lost my husband of 53 years in June and am hoping to find some friends with a similar situation.
     
  5. Sunshine

    Sunshine Member

    I lost my husband last February 2016 and my life is upside down. I find myself crying more now than when it first happened.
    When I met my husband 18 years ago, he had kidney cancer and he tried to discourage me from getting involved with him.
    He was 15 years older than me, but we hit it off from the very beginning. After three months, he proposed to me and scared me to death. I did not marry him until nine years later. If I had to do it again, I would marry him. He was my best friend and I miss him dearly.
     
    Sal likes this.
  6. Judy L F

    Judy L F Guest

    I am having a hard time myself with the loss of my husband of 53 years. The days have a hundred hours and evenings and nights are so lonely.
    I hope I can help ease the pain of others with their losses and it might help me get through my own.
     
    Brandy, griefic and (deleted member) like this.
  7. Sal

    Sal Guest

    I lost my husband of 30 years this past spring and pushed on right away, focusing on my teenage kids and work as a college professor, along with coping with my fibromyalgia. It's only now, 6 months on, that I'm facing up to my loss and grief. Like you thenightsand weekends are the hardest. Often I'll just get up in the night and so something, anything around the house. Clean up a shelf of clutter, put the dishes away, anything. It helps me feel like I'm making progress. I've also started working through a cognitive behavioral workbook and keeping a grief journal. That's really helping me correct some of the negative thinking that's been keeping me "stuck" in my grief. Gradually I'm starting to move on ... a little. Maybe some of those things will help you too.
     
  8. Judy L F

    Judy L F Guest

    Thanks for your tips on getting through this loss. J
     
    Sal likes this.
  9. Sal

    Sal Guest

    Thanks Judy for your reply. Just connecting helps.
     
  10. Sal

    Sal Guest

    I lost mine in February too. February 22nd. I thought I had made a lot of progress but really I had just pushed my feelings down. Working through acognitive behavioral workbook has been helping me correct some of the distorted, negative thinking that has me "stuck". Thoughts like "I should have been kinder to him" (our relatoinshio was strained even though he was my best friend and soulmate.) Trying toforgivemyself, and forgive him for leaving me and the kids too soon...
     
  11. Alison

    Alison New Member

    My husband died in August after a six week illness. I agree that evenings are the most difficult. Especially now that there is less daylight! I just want/need to talk with others who will understand my feelings.
     
    Pegi Chaney likes this.
  12. Handcrafter2

    Handcrafter2 Member

    I would like to talk with you about your loss and mine also, its hard and I understand. How will you spend the Christmas holiday. I
    This will be the first one that I will not have my husband and its going to be hard. Tell me about how you are coping.
     
  13. Brandy

    Brandy New Member

    My heart aches for you all. I wish I knew what to say but I too lost my husband on my birthday a little over a year ago and it seems to get worse. Im devastated beyond repair. God bless you all
     
  14. Alison

    Alison New Member


    I am blessed to have two sons who both live nearby and I will spend Christmas with them. But that won't help waking up to an empty house on Christmas morning. I have tried to take advantage of every opportunity that comes up to go somewhere or do something. I have become friends with one of my neighbors who is also a widow and we have done a few things together. I do well up to dinner time and then the evening stretches out eternally. I can only watch so much HGTV and hockey games and read. I don't like being busy all the he time but I don't feel quite comfortable in my own skin yet. What are you doing to cope?
     
  15. Alison

    Alison New Member

    I am not decanted and I am so sorry that you are. I am more overwhelmed and frustrated. I always did most of what had to be done but now I HAVE to do it all. If I don't do it, then no one else will.i am lucky to be able to maintain my lifestyle but I am so afraid that I am going to forget to do something. Everyone thinks I am doing fine because I am functioning well and have taken care of "repairs" that needed to be done (like replacing the 39 year old carpeting in our bedroom), but they don't see that I am running so quickly to stay ahead of reality. How are you doing with the holidays this year?
     
    Handcrafter2 likes this.
  16. Handcrafter2

    Handcrafter2 Member

    Brandy realize that you are not alone. It is the hardest thing I have ever done going through grief. I lost my parents my brother and sister and now my husband. There is no easy answer but to just get through it as best you can. We all here have suffered loss and I think it helps to know you are not alone. Please let us help you through this. God Bless.
     
    Elaine8 likes this.
  17. Handcrafter2

    Handcrafter2 Member

    Alison, I understand what you mean about learning to cope. It seems to me that others think I am OK because I am functioning,and they think I am alright, but I am not. The nights are lonely and sometimes when I am alone my loss is overwhelming and it's just me there. I try to keep busy as I have hobbies,but at times they are no comfort because I am alone. The house is quiet and it's lonely. There is no easy way. You and your husband loved each other remember the good times you have shared and the two wonderful boys you both raised. I have two children to and they try to do for me. But it's still lonely when night time comes. Please know you are not alone. We all are here to help each other and we understand some of what you are going through. God Bless.
     
    Elaine8 likes this.
  18. Alison

    Alison New Member


    That is precisely why I went through on line to find people to in similar circumstances. It is hard to describe to others how lonely you are at night. Maybe because that's when everyone is home with his family. I love being alone but never thought I could feel such loneliness. There is a great deal of independence being on your own, but an incredible amount of responsibility also. That is what I am having difficulty adjusting to. I had quite a bit of work that I had to have done around the house (our bedroom carpeting was 39 years old) and that kept me busy for the last month. Now that it is done, I am beginning to realize how long the nights are. It is nice to have a person I can communicate with here. Thank you. What are your holiday plans?
     
  19. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Dear All:
    I am very sorry for all the loss and heartbreak everyone here is dealing with. I have experienced much of it myself and am feeling your pain. I lost my Mom last May after being her primary caregiver for an extended period of time. My Dad died 12 years ago very suddenly. He was truly my heart and I miss him terribly. When you lose your parents, it's like losing your foundation. I buried my only daughter 15 years ago. She lived with leukemia for many years and although I gave her one of my kidney's, she passed away when she was 26. On XMAS Eve of 2014, I found out the man I was married to for 19 years and with for 25 years was having an affair for 10 years. My divorce became final this past June. Although it's not a physical death, it's a loss and requires a lot of time to heal. Betrayal like that changes you forever. And in the middle of all of this, in April of 2015 I had to put my 19 year old cat to sleep. She was with me from when she was a baby, so the connections was strong. I was heartbroken. The pic on the left is Kennedy- the cat I rescued in August of 2015. Truth be told...she rescued me.

    So I suppose you could say that I've had a good deal of practice dealing with loss. Yes, it really helps to connect with people who understand how you're feeling. I joined a support group after my parents died and it was comforting for me to vent and also to lend support. And this site has done the same thing. For every horrible loss here, there is always one that is just as devastating.

    Grief is a personal thing and how we deal with it is only up to each one of us. No one can tell you to "get over it," or "enough time has passed." There are some losses that you never fully recover from. As time goes by you just sharpen your skills to better deal with the pain. I suppose we all have two (2) choices. We can either lay down and die alongside our loved ones or we can continue on and live life in a way that would make them proud of us. I chose life. And yes, it's hard. Holiday's birthday's, Mother's and Father's Day...you name it. Very hard for sure. And I probably have not slept more than 4 hours a night over the past 15 years. You just have to keep going though. Aside from support groups and this site, I have found comfort in keeping journals and to my astonishment, I now have 18 of them! When I read back over the first few, I am amazed at how far I have come. Yes, it's lonely more often than not because I have no more family left and close friends are few and far between. However I take comfort in and have a lot of pride knowing that I survived and can really deal with anything that comes along.

    All...please accept my heartfelt condolences for your many losses. I hope that you find comfort and strength that will help you to continue living your lives in a way that would make your lost loved ones proud. That's what they would have wanted.

    Take care~Ellen
     
  20. Handcrafter2

    Handcrafter2 Member

    Ellen, my heart truly goes out to you. You are strong woman and I think you are a very special one too. I am so sorry for your losses and I hope you find friends here to comfort you. I would like to be one too. I lost my husband of 53 years this past April and I just came home from my daughters home for the holidays. Its was nice and she and her family were wonderful to me but it was not the same with out my husband.I lost my parents and my siblings so I am alone now except for my children. They are grown and have their own lives but I am so happy they want to share their lives with me. I have friends and try to keep busy as I find it is helpful to keep doing things. The nights are lonely though and hard to get through them at times so I take meds to help me sleep.
    Please let the folks here help you through this bad time in your life and I would like to help also. Talking helps I think especially if there are people who suffered losses as well.
    Take care and please write back.
     
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