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Shocked finding out someone I loved died many years ago

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by Rob67, May 15, 2020.

  1. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    I completely understand how a compliment can stick with you so hard and forever. Those are wonderful compliments about being intelligent and you think. To me those are some of the best words you can tell someone. Nice to have those memories :)
     
  2. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    I can't get over this. My house on left, and where he moved 2 years after I ast saw him on right. Literally can see the back of garage from my yard.
     

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  3. Rob67

    Rob67 Well-Known Member

    I can see where that could be rough. Physical memory reminders would trigger all the feelings coming up. I live 600 miles away from the town where I grew up, when I knew Linda. So I do not have any visual reminders of places, events or her house. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Try to keep in mind that these are just buildings. They will be owned and occupied by many people before they finally fall down. They are just wood and nails. There is no real connection to your loved one and any physical structure. Where they really exist is your heart. Keep him there and don't attach him to anyone or any thing else. Just keep loving him.
     
    Sue M likes this.
  4. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    Thanks Rob I appreciate that advice! That was his grandmas house the best memory I had of him and one of the best with anyone was in that house. His mom still lives there. My mom is still there too so I go there often. I won't but still wish I could see his mom and let her know her son meant so much to me. He was in and out of jail and a lot of people thought he was trouble, so I wish I could tell her what I saw in him.
     
  5. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    Also, Rob, I think of you often and how because of you starting this thread I found it and has helped me so much and I think you for that.<3 I also think about how long it was for you to get responses at first, but I am so glad we can be here for eachother. So nice to know none of us have to feel weird about feeling or writing anything on here.
     
  6. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    Words of wisdom. You have said something similar before that I took to heart, and it really helped me. Yet I keep attaching him to other people/things. When I remember him in my heart, I can carry the love with me and share it with others. As I’ve said before, one of my biggest sources of heartache and pain is Facebook. I have access to his account and all his friends, which provides endless opportunities to search for words he posted, mostly in response to friends posts. Sometimes it makes me feel close but ultimately it makes me miserable. But I can’t stop. So I said I would stop for 60 days. Yesterday was day 61 and I went back on. I felt terrible afterward and think I have finally learned I don’t need to be doing this.
     
  7. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    Forgive me if I already asked this, but why do you feel like you can’t talk to his mom?
     
  8. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    Shes 80. She doesnt know me. Its been 18 yrs since he passed. His gravestone says Forgive Eachother. so I dont want to upset her. I dont know what she went thru with him. I never talked to her. She picked him up from my house a couple times but never actually met her.
     
  9. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    Is it possible it might bring her comfort? Sometimes I feel like when people die, everyone stops talking about them because they don’t want to upset the people they were closest to, but I think sometimes they want to talk about them. Maybe there’s a subtle way you could reach out.
     
  10. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    It could but only way I could do that is if I saw her outside. When I first found out I talked to an old friend of his and mentioned sending a card. he said he wouldnt do that after so long. He heard that his dad killed himself after Mike passed but he died 3 yrs after Mike. Weird how rumors get spread around people who actually kept in touch on and off with him. I really hoped she went to cemetery so she could at least see the flowers and know someone is thinking of him but Ill never know.
     
  11. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    I meant his dad died 3 yrs BEFORE he died
     
  12. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    That is a weird rumor for sure. I hope his mom saw your heartfelt mementos you left. I remember now you left a contact number. It’s frustrating to me the things we’ll never know. I keep coming back to what Rob67 said about focusing on the love in our hearts.
     
  13. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    It had rained and the grass cutting people must have run over the card when I went there I found a couple tiny pieces of the envelope. Probably got soggy and fell off. I was hoping she would but I know its hard for some people to even go to the cemetery.
     
  14. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    Did you feel any better or less hurt those 60 days you stopped?
     
  15. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    Just wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing?
     
  16. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    I felt better. There’s something about it that makes me feel really hurt. I don’t know why, but going off for 60 days, then going back on for a couple days, the hurt came right back. So I’m stopping for another 60 days.
     
    Sue M likes this.
  17. Rob67

    Rob67 Well-Known Member

    Yes stop. Don't do anything that makes you feel worse. We all need to be finding things that bring us peace with it.
     
    alwaysme likes this.
  18. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    Thanks, and I wish you peace today.
     
  19. Rob67

    Rob67 Well-Known Member

    Thank you. We are all here to support you.

    I have had some bad days this week. They are usually triggered by staring at her pictures, which I am trying to limit. When I resist I am better able to put it more in a time oriented reference, making her a sweet loving memory from the other end of my 67 year life. When I can't refrain from looking at those pictures (mainly yearbook pictures) it sends me into a deep grief flat spin (an unrecoverable spin in aviation terms). I feel like I am stuck in this Groundhog's Day reality. Talking about it here with you and the others is the only thing that helps.

    God bless all of you.
     
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  20. SF2811

    SF2811 Member

    Thank you so much for asking. Sorry I haven’t checked on here for a while. My daughter has been very ill this week, she was born last March (2020) so hasn’t caught many viruses or colds and it’s hit her hard. She’s finally getting over it and now I feel ill.

    I’ve had a covid test and it’s negative but I’m still worried I won’t be able to go to the funeral now and won’t be able to say goodbye properly or have closure.

    Again, thank you for checking in on me. It’s good to know I have somewhere to turn to if I’m struggling with this.

    Hope you’re all doing well x
     
    Sue M likes this.