Grief is ruining my relationship

So my dad died in April, and I found out my fiancée was pregnant a few days later. I thought she was gonna be a good coping partner but me being sad always leads to a fight. For example on my birthday which was the first once since my dad died she got so angry she couldn’t cheer me up she ended up breaking up with me and leaving. I have done my best to hide my emotions for the sake of my unborn son but it’s gotten to the point where I feel completely alone with my emotions and like I should be better already. Pregnancy turned her into a unpleasant person almost all the time and her dramatic reactions to my problems is breaking me. She blacks out when she’s angry but her hateful words like “your always just sad about your dad” have broken my ability to express anything about my dad and I feel locked in a numb emotionless state, when I usually am the most fun wacky dude everyone wants to hang out with. I’ve isolated myself so much I don’t even feel safe going outside, not to mention insomnia and I even tried drugs to make me feel better. I have no support system at home till this baby comes. pleae if you want to chat send me a message, I need it.

 

I cannot fully understand my situation is different. My husband and I lost our eight year old son. What I do know is grief is a strain on a relationship. Because she does not share your grief this is a whole other level. Sometimes he thinks I am mad at him when I am really just grieving. Even this morning he thought I was mad at him because I jumped out of bed and started my day. What really happened is I simply am jolted out of my sleep with flashbacks of seeing my child dead. I cannot lay in bed at all it destroys my day even more. The difference is he did not find him dead. I had to deal with the whole drama of that aspect. I can say as if grieving is not bad enough but now we have other things we need to work through like relationships. It is not just grief but a whole lot more that comes in that bag.

 

I understand how you feel. My husband did not want to talk at all about our son's death. He could not stand to see me cry, so I would go in the bathroom or closet or just hold my breath to keep it in. Of course this is not healthy. I had to find other people who would listen and that is what happened. I met two ladies who had lost their sons in the same manner as mine. One lady had the three of us meet at her house a couple of times.
I would guess your fiancee doesn't understand the loss of your father did not end at the cemetery or sometimes even weeks or months afterwards. I would also guess she has never lost anyone with whom she is really close. So it isn't that she won't understand and let you grieve-it is that she can't understand. She wants you to be your old self again and just have fun. But the thing she really doesn't understand is that you are now a different person. The loss of someone close changes us to some degree.
Would you be open to finding a support group who will listen and understand what you are going through and maybe even have some suggestions to help from what they have gone through? If you are interested you can go to GriefShare.org. They will ask for your zip code and then show you what groups are meeting in your area. They even have some groups that meet online, so you could do this from home if you want. Please let us know if you are able to find a support group.
Pray for yourself and for your fiancee. God is an ever present help in the time of trouble.
Chris

 

Bbetton249,

A bit of the rock and a hard place. As you mention your default personality is casual and upbeat. I think people do love that personality and come to truly on your upbeat ways. The hard place of course is both you and your wife are both perhaps needing support for different reasons but both in stressful situations. You naturally are processing loss. Often a very absorbing and exhausting period of our lives. I hope others around you and your wife can attend to these needs. Both are legitimate sets of needs just happening at the same time. Ad all the normal day to day stresses of just providing and livfs ongoing demands.

So give each other acknowledgment these are trying time for each. Garatute to for what you both share and find ways to cope. Be that help from friends or relatives. You may grieve here and not be judged. She may find other women to help out and share her feelings with. No one is a bad person but both more sensitive at this period of your lives/.

Please do reach out should you care to. Best to you and your family. Our collective future is the young ones.

Wishing you peace in this time. Really for us, all in an unusual period all share collectively.

Be well.

Paul M.