Lost my youngest son to suicide July 3rd.

Still can't believe it. Still want answers. He was an amazing young man. Smart, great sense of humor, fun to be with, always smiling. There is nothing there that hinted at this, even in hindsight. The pain I'm experiencing, devastation really, is overwhelming me.

 

I'm so sorry. I lost my youngest daughter to suicide August 16. She had chosen to be estranged from me and I too never knew her to be depressed. She was brilliant, beautiful, and fun to be around. I of course was hoping that our relationship between us would become what it used to be. Now, all hope for that is lost with her.

 

I'm so very sorry. This is a terrible thing we are going through. I think only people who have suffered a loss such as ours have any idea of what it's like, how hard it is.

Being estranged must make it even harder. Are you able to get back to any type of a "normal" existence yet? Do you have people to help you? Someone whose shoulder you can cry and vent on?

It sounds like your daughter was a good person who would have gone far and been loved by all around her. My son was that way too, brought happiness wherever he went. Losing people like that is not just our loss, it's a loss to this world that desperately needs more good caring people.

My son and I were always close. I had no inkling he was unhappy and this might happen. I'm struggling hard with not knowing why. I really want some reason because it makes no sense.

Only encouraging thing I can think to say is others I've met have all managed to get through it, and though the pain never leaves, some of the joy of the person lost comes back alive within them, so they can think of them and smile.

Curt

 

Thank you so much, Curt. The day my oldest daughter called to tell me, I was staying with my sister, since I had just had surgery. I missed her first call and got no answer when I quickly called her back. Then I was on my sister's patio alone when she came out in tears and told me to answer in private when my daughter called me again. I immediately asked if my kids were ok and she shook her head no. I cried and asked which one and she said she didn't want to be the one to tell me. I honestly thought it might well be my son who has always struggled with depression. But no, it was my youngest daughter who had always been so strong and I never know to be depressed. I'm sobbing as I write this.

 

And no, I have no one to be with me in trying to cope with this.

 

My God, how awful. My son was the last one we ever thought might do this too. I've got 2 other kids. You need someone, I don't think it's possible to deal with this on your own. Find someone, ask, seek out, talk to your doctor, minister but don't go it alone, we all need someone to lean on. One thing that makes it difficult is most people don't know what to do or say, so they stand back and do nothing, or worse, stay away which hurts more.

I'm going to say this because I've been there; don't do something that will make it worse. I've been tempted, but I think about what that would do to the rest of my family. I know that if Eric had been able comprehend the pain and loss that his suicide would leave behind, he never would have done it. I would bet it would be the same with your Daughter. I'm here anytime you want to talk or share. Take care, let's hold off and see what tomorrow will bring. Curt

 

I'm thankfully not suicidal in spite of everything. I fought my own battle with serious depression for years until I happened to read an article about vitamin D deficiency and depression. My level was pathetically low. Prescription strength vitamin D actually cured my depression like antidepressants never could. If I had been able to talk to my daughter and known about her depression, I certainly would have told her about that. It is completely insane, no pun intended, to realize people can actually commit suicide due to a silly vitamin deficiency. I never would have believed it until I experienced the profound effect myself.
Meanwhile, although I'm not suicidal myself right now, it is an extreme struggle to deal with everything alone. My oncologist is aware, there are no local in person support groups due to covid, I've tried to find a counselor who accepts my insurance and has availability for weeks. I live alone on beautiful hill country acreage which I love. Yet, not having anyone near is challenging. That's exactly why I have reached out to this group. I haven't seen anyone in my family since my daughter's service two months ago. The closest family live two hours away. My blood pressure is sky high to the point it can cause a stroke. Yet, if that happens, no one will even know.

 

I've had depression for years. I've done pretty will with meds up until this. Been taking vitamin D for some time too. My doctor has me trying different depression meds now to see if a change might help. So far, not much. The side effects, which never really were an issue before, are now. The one I had been on I started shacking so bad my wife was worried I had Parkinson's. You see an Oncologist, I assume that means you're dealing with cancer too. I'm sorry. Both I and my wife have had cancer. Another major worry to deal with at a time like this, you must be a strong person. I hope you are doing well.

Are you able to fall asleep at night? I struggled with that. I finally got a prescription to help me sleep. My blood presssure... My head feels like it's going to explode sometimes. It just affects everything.

It sounds like you live out in a rural area, where? We live in a rural area of Connecticut but are originally from Calif. Our son returned to Calif, after he graduated. He loved Calif and was pursuing an acting career. I looked into group support and found the same problem. To distant or not meeting due to covid.

We didn't get to have a service for our son, due to covid restrictions. Hope to have a "celebration of life" for him next summer in Calif. That's where most his friends live and a lot of our family. Not having a service was really hard to accept.

Txanne, I just don't know how you are able to handle all this alone. You must be very strong and capable but I'm worryied about you.

 

Your response and care brought tears to my eye. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you.
Yes, I'm as tough as they come. But, I kid you not, in less than a year, I was diagnosed with colon cancer, got a severe eye infection that blinded that eye in three days and gave me light intolerance to the point I couldn't tolerate a computer screen or TV much less any indoor or certainly not sunlight. It was so painful I seriously considered ripping my eye out of my head myself. That started the same weekend covid shut down Texas. Then I became septic from a different infection that went undiagnosed for a full month until it finally went from my lungs and blood stream into my right shoulder and I couldn't pick up my right hand anymore. I was put on very strong IV antibiotics that not only were killing the bacteria, but also killing my kidneys. I lost my kidney function temporarily in two weeks. I had to stop taking the antibiotics because of that and have surgery to get rid of the remaining infection in my right shoulder. Two days after that was when my youngest daughter died.
Yes, I'm strong, but even strong people need help at times.
I live alone in the Texas hill country on 5 acres 12 miles from a convenience store. I can see for miles at 1320 feet elevation and no one can see me. It is beautiful and I love it, but if something happened to me, no one would know.

 

Txanne, so very sorry for your loss. If you are looking for a support group, you may go to Griefshare.org. On the homepage at the top you will see 'Find a Group'. After you click on that it will ask for the name of your city and state or zip code. Even if there is no group near you, you can join any group that is "Meeting Online". Just click on the online group you would like to join and it will give you contact information. They meet either by a phone connection or visual media. The contact person for the group will be able to tell you much more about their group.
Hope this helps.

 

Thank you. I actually checked that site before I found this one and it showed the next scheduled meeting wasn't until January 10. I just rechecked at your suggestion and it now shows the next scheduled meeting is this Sunday! So I immediately signed up. At this point, I'm willing to accept any and all help I can get. Thank you!!

 

Praise God. I am so glad you were able to join a group. Hang in there. You will get through this by the grace of God. I love you.
Chris

 

Txanne, You've really had a lot thrown at you. Glad you're strong and working to move forward. Keep it up. Let me know how the online therapy works for you, I may try it myself. Stay strong!

 

Thank you so much, Curt and Chris. Yesterday I finally was able to have a phone counseling session with a counselor I really liked. We have in common both of us losing our moms when we were in our twenties. That's why she became a counselor who has always had interest in helping people who are grieving. We also both lost our first babies. Interesting to have such unique losses in common.

I also am looking forward to the grief support group that's actually twenty minutes from my home. They now have in person as well as voom options. I'm planning to go to that in person. I need to have some human contact.

Along with the help and encouragement of each of you, I feel like God is finally assembling the team I need to get through losing my daughter.

This is so comforting!! A year ago this month I was in the process of dealing with my colon cancer. God also helped me then assemble the team I needed to deal with that. Must of my siblings were with me alternating over an entire month. I received a call from cancer treatment center of America in Tulsa who booked a flight for me and one sister, they have everything under one roof from lodging to Dr.s and their hospital. They schedule everything for you faster than you can believe. I highly recommend them for anyone with cancer.

I am thankful for all of the help I'm now finding to get through this. Thank you all, so much!!!

 

Thinking of you. Let me know how your grief support goes. I hope it will provide some support for you.
Chris

 

Thank you, Chris! I also just lost my favourite aunt this morning to colon cancer. She was just diagnosed with it last week and it's the same kind of cancer I was diagnosed with a year ago this month. The whammies just keep coming. I really wanted to see her before she died, not just to tell her goodbye, but also to ask her to tell my daughter how much I loved her. Just like my mom, she died before I could get there.

 

You have had so many deep losses and in so many ways. Your heart must feel like it is ready to explode. I believe your daughter knew how much you loved her. Our children go their separate ways, but mom's love always is there in their heart.
I pray you will get a good night's sleep tonight.
I love you.
Chris

 

I am so unbelievably sorry, Curt. You seem like such a caring and wonderful man, words can't describe how strong you are. I know almost exactly how you feel, I just lost my mother to suicide last month. I'm only 15 and I'm just feeling so lost and scared. I'm so overwhelmed about everything and the pain is unbearable. Her suicide was also so unexpected and sudden, I understand the raw pain and depression you feel. I hope you begin to find peace, we must stay strong together.

 

I’m very sorry for what you’re going through. I just joined this forum over the weekend. My only child, my son committed suicide January the 9th and I am completely devastated. The were no signs, he was going to college, working he had a new car, nothing indicated that he was depressed. I’m just heartbroken.