Boyfriend killed in motorcycle accident

My boyfriend, though we were not going out too long, was on his motorcycle when he was hit March 3, 2018. We knew from that day he wasn’t going to make it, but he’s officially gone as of March 5. I met him in July of last year, and from that day we were almost inseparable. I used to be the kind of person who would never want to hang out with guys I was interested in cause it’s get boring, I never showed emotion, etc. he changed all of that and we couldn’t get enough of each other. I’d always make fun of people who said they knew after a few months together that they wanted to be with that person forever, but he changed that in me too cause he was it for me. He’s my first real love, and I know they say most people deal with one heartbreak in their lifetime but I didn’t think that’d be how mine would go, let alone that I would ever have one with him. His funeral was yesterday, so now that all the planning and everything is over I feel like I have nothing to look forward too. We had so much stuff planned, I’m only 22, he had just turned 23 on March 1. I’m just lost, and I hurt, and I know people are saying they’re there for me and they’re grieving too so they understand, but this is a different grief. I wasn’t just his friend or acquaintance, we were in love. I don’t know what to do and can’t imagine moving on

 

My boyfriend passed away just one year ago in February. I say just one year ago because it still feels like I haven’t woken up from the nightmare. When it had just happened, as in your circumstance I felt completely isolated from the world and absolutely hopeless. I thought that someone experiencing grief from losing someone a year ago was not even close to understanding how terrible I felt. I did not personally know anyone else who had lost a significant other at a young age ( I was 26). In the past year I have tried a support group, 2 different counselors, psychiatrist, 5 different online counseling/support group programs and now I am here. I feel I have not been able to heal because none of those were specifically for grieving people who were grieving. In the very beginning I ‘met’ a girl online that had been in a similar situation. Her boyfriend was an addict, overdosed and she ended up saving his life with CPR. I felt that I related more to her and benefited more from our conversations than I did with any of my closest friends or family members. Just knowing that someone else in the world felt the same way I did was very... I can’t say comforting, but it gave me some kind of feeling besides isolation that it was possible for people to get through the worst times. I haven’t been able to talk to anyone that can relate to my situation and I feel that is what I am missing. I am so sorry for your loss and that you are going through this. I apologize this is all over the place but that’s just how my brain has been working. I hope I am not making you feel any worse. I can’t sit here and say it gets easier or that it is not something I don’t still struggle struggle with what seems like at least 80% of every day just missing him and not being able to understand how he is just gone forever. But I am here to tell you that a year ago when he passed away, there were so many days I did not think I was going to make it. Never ever could I have imagined myself still being here and functioning like a somewhat normal human being after feeling that heart ache day in and day out. But I am here. I can’t tell you how. There is no magical cure or words of wisdom (at least for me there wasn’t), but you will make it through. My life still feels like a complete disaster and I don’t imagine I will ever get back to the person I was before, but somehow you will manage to make it through day by day. I can say it got easier as time passed because I’ve gotten used to being alone - again not saying this to depress you - but at first, there was nothing in the world that didn’t remind me of him and tear me up inside. Every type of food I ate, every song, every store I passed, every movie, every time I saw two people holding hands I would lose it and it just happened I wasn’t able to control it. I would avoid sleeping until I had been up for 2 or 3 days because then I was exhausted enough to just fall in bed and sleep right away. If I went to bed and wasn’t tired I would lay there and just think about every little memory and cry and think about the life we were supposed to have together. I can see or hear things now that remind me of him and I do not automatically start crying. If I really stop to think about it I will but I have learned not to let my mind wander like that. That has also been a struggle because I feel like by not thinking about him or crying all the time I am doing him some kind of injustice but I realized it is not healthy to consume all of my thoughts with him and just dwell the feeling of pain and not let myself feel anything else. I had been, and still am most days, a person believing happiest I could ever feel had already happened - with him - and now he was gone. I felt there wasn’t a point in trying to be happy because my happiness had come and gone. Actually one thing that actually did probably keep me from sulking in my feelings was realizing that things can always be worse. 2 months before my boyfriend passed away, my dog who was like my child died suddenly at 5 yrs old from kidney failure. That was sooo traumatizing for me and I just felt like why me. And then I was kicked on my butt again when he was taken away from me. I feel that if I sit in my own depression I will never escape it. My family dog passed also passed away from old age less than two months after my boyfriend and I lost my third grandparent in October. I have no patience for people who complain about little things and take them for granted and for this I am extremely grateful. Without experiencing loss I would be one of those superficial people who doesn’t understand the meaning of life or what is important until I was 80 years old. A year ago I did not believe I would make it to be saying “a year ago” but I know now that I survived it and can survive anything else. I might not be doing it with the biggest smile on my face, but I am grateful and feel some sense of accomplishment that I got through it. Of course I am hoping you do not feel this terrible but I would be stupid to assume that you don’t. You will get through it. Just day by day is all you can focus on do not think about forever. Maybe I am only here because the times o really didn’t want to go on any longer I just thought about my family and the people that truly care about me and how I would be inflicting such grief upon them. It gave me no choice but to at least act like I didn’t want to live with that pain anymore for the sake of others that I had to suck it up the best I could and try to be person. I think about the day I will see him again and will not let myself think there is a possibility that may not happen. I think to myself that that if I don’t work hard at least some days to try to get better then I will not have earned the right to see Him. I would be extremely surprised if anyone is still reading this I haven’t stayed with one thought, but I will just say carry his memory and do not be afraid to talk about him.He was a significant part of my life, as your boyfriend was to you. I still refer to him as my boyfriend because nothing else feels right. It is just not reasonable for people to expect you to surpress your feelings or memories because they don’t want to feel a little bit uncomfortable. If anyone expected me to stop talking about him in day to day conversation like random stories of places we had gone together or weird things he did I would have just looked at them like they were absolutely crazy. I know people got uncomfortable bringing it up or listening to me talk about him or seeing me upset, but talking about him makes me happy. Talking about him makes me remember good times when he was around and it’s like putting his spirit in the air or something. I don’t feel like he is so far away when I can still remember so many details. I am reminded that what I felt with him was real and I guess I am ok with knowing that it hurts so much because he was just that important and special to me. I am happy to have been able to feel what we had together and feel fortunate that I knew him better than almost anyone. If it’s not obvious this is a random therapy session for me but if for some reason any of this made sense or you don’t have someone else who can relate I am not a complete lunatic all the time just can’t sleep at the moment. If you don’t feel anything what like I have experienced but just feel the need to tell your story to a random person I will listen as I believe the times I have rambled to other people was when I was able to feel something other than depression and got me through the next couple of hours or minutes or days. Without people listening or at least pretending to listen I don’t think I would be here so I owe it to anyone else in need.

 

Dear ladies, I know ita been a year or so since your losses but I just lost my boyfriend about 6 weeks ago to a motorcycle accident and he was also battling addiction. I have done a lot of counseling and therapy since then and my support group is outstanding, but I can relate. We were only together for a year and a half. We both battled addiction for a while but I got clean. He had said he had too but he had just switched drugs. He had all of us fooled. Ever sincr we got back together when I got home from rehab I had really been workib on myself, he was not. He was confiding in another woman because hr was feeling distance from me(which was really him continuing to use, and I was working on myself). Only a day before he passed he had told his mother he WaS feeling lonely. I didn't find out about this other girl he was seeing until he passed, and she didn't know about me. I found out he was using bc the cops found a crack pipe on him. So it was just one thing after another when he died. He never met this girl, well since highschool. They were supposed to meet up the night he died. He never made it. He kept so many things from both of us. She didn't know he was battling addiction or that he had a long term girlfriend. Now this guy was the type of love the first girl who posted this talked about. I am 33 and we met when I was 31, he was the first person I ever truly loved and I was in a 9 yr relationship right before him! I have been ultimately devastated from multiple ends in this relationship. Things happened early on in our relationship thar caused him to have resentments when he found out about them later on,but I was using and ultimately cheated on him for drugs, not bc he couldnt satisfy me. He satisfied me in ways no one else could have from every end of the spectrum. He didnt see it that way, he held on to it as the worst form of betrayal abd used it as ammo to really ruin the relationship. I take responsibly but as an addict you do things for drugs and only for drugs. I cried and felt completely belittled after I had done in. I thought he would never find out, but when I had gone to rehab it got back to him. The fact that I wasn't there when he found out was even worse. He had the opportunity to walk away. We had lived together prior to me going in but I decided to go into sober living when I came out. We slowly started talking even though I told him I had to work on me to make the relationship work. He agreed he was doing the same. I could feel something was not right but he refused to tell me the truth about using. I still did what I had to do every day. I eventually left the sober living and moved back in wit him. He was distant it wasnt the same. We spent all of my free time together and always came home to each other. He would get upset when I was tired and couldn't stay up to hangout with him at night. He wasn't working and I was 9-5 6x a week. The night he died he needed time for himself, he wasnt right. (He was also planning to see that girl) he just sounded way off. Once I founf out he was at a bar abd on his bike I raced there but it was too late. I held onto the guilt of knowing he was upset and not telling anyone or doing anything but that wasn't my deal. We have to understand that relationships are dual sided. There would have been nothing I could have done, if I didnt save him that night It would have happened in another way. The other girl said his eagerness to see her frightened her so initially she didnt go to see him earlier in the night. He demanded he needed to speak with her, that he needed to tell her something. She eeventually Gave in but he had been drinking a lot at this point BC she stood him up and all the other emotions I'm sure of cheating on me/leaving me/being unworthy/unloved*so he thought*. I get stuck on what he needed to tell her was he planning on leaving me, telling her he couldn't see her? I just get caught up every day on what was going through his head that night. I will never know and he rarely shared how he was feeling about us or did in indirect ways I haven't realized until now. I analyze the entire week before his death in my head, re read texts. Think maybe it was suicide? I just have to accept it for what ir was. Doing all the thinking and could a should a s will keep me sick. Will keep all of us sick! I'm sorry you ladies had to go through this abd would never wish it on anyone. He was my future husband, I wanted to build a beautiful sober life with him but he wantes to continue using and run away from the relationship he already had by finding someone new to lie to so he could fufil that desire. Its a shame that so many people would rather run away than fave their fears. I did it and I'm learning more now in his loss than I ever would have with him here. Death is a terrible thing but it teaches us so much about ourselves. I wish you ladies the Best and I hole you've found peace in the absence of your losses. From one grieving beautiful woman to the next-<3

 

Sorry for all spelling mistakes, I did not proof-read this. And he was not a junkie loser, he had a very successful life and many accomplishments. He had lost his job due to his addiction and being late, he was supposed to start a very great job not even a week after he died. Its such a shame and he was the light to so many people's lives* his name was Kenneth Sosnowski. You can find his obituary and IDMB profile on Google<3 he was a child/late teenage actor also.