The 3 As of Grief: Anguish, Anxiety and Apathy

It's been 6 months since I lost my husband of 25 years. I'm 49. He died suddenly. My daughter's birthday was yesterday. She's 17. She wore his tie around her neck, over a white t-shirt. We survived the day. Today, I'm recuperating from the drama of this 6th month, May. Filled with dates of significance. Birthdays, virus style graduation, a move, mother's day... May kicked my ass. I'm recuperating today, Friday. I did my run, yoga and the laundry. My heart is so heavy. Anguish. Anxiety. Apathy. Fleeting moments. Anxiety is awful. It's like a huge weight on my chest. I can't breathe. A few hours of it gives me a back ache. Grieving is mental, emotional, and physical. It gets all into you. It's exhausting. It's a full body experience. I think we need to do this thing knowing all of it, knowing that we need to baby and nurture ourselves back to health, slowly and with great self-love and compassion, knowing that we've been broken. If you've been in a long term marriage and your spouse is gone suddenly, you've experienced your own death, too, don't deny it. The difference is --you're still walking. Now you're born again and you're that baby crying it out every couple of hours, wondering what the hell is the world and what do I do here? There are no answers for a long while, everything hurts, it's feeding time all over again, you need lots of naps and care. The hard part is of course, we don't have someone who can rock us to sleep, soothe our heavy hearts. We have to dig in deep and find our strength and use each other for comfort and find that comfort wherever you can get it. Anxiety, Anguish, Apathy.

 

So well said!! Thank you.

 

I am so sorry for your loss, Thank you for sharing those words, I am struggling on week 6, I am fortunate not to have ever had anxiety, I have watched others suffer. I worry about getting depressed, I am so sad and have been drinking too much alcohol, I need to stop doing that or Ill have more problems.
I own my own business so I haven’t been working much, the thought of facing all my regular customers is quite overwhelming, I’m at a friends cabin on the ocean for this week, and then I have someone coming for his new motorcycle and truck, every time I sell something it reminds me of our lost future, I am so glad I found this site to go to.

 

6 weeks. So soon, so in the stage of disbelief, shock and sadness. The not feeling in your skin. I think being at a friends cabin on the ocean for this week can be very soothing. Somehow the water has a way, as does the tide. The ebb and flow, the movement in the midst of static, deafening stillness and pain. A reminder that nature teaches us how life is cyclical and ever changing. I'm living by the river for a year. I walk and run along the river daily. There is peace out there and an open space to cry. Crossing the river is symbolic. We are all on a journey. Still, I prefer the ocean and hope to go to the ocean at the end of the summer. The ocean feels open ended somehow, while the river feels like a crossing. Transit. I'm tired of transitioning although here I am transitioning. To what? To the woman I will be tomorrow. I hope she is a more confident and peaceful person. I hope she is loving and graceful. I hope my whole life is not one transition, like stuck in the vortex of a karmic cycle. That would be heavy! My husband used to say he'd not want to be reincarnated. Then towards the end, he changed. I wonder if he's transitioned to some baby body, crying it out, like I'm crying it out, and both of us falling over our own two feet, struggling to transition into a new life. People who are stuck, bored, middle aged, whatever, often crave a chance at a new life. Well here we go, we got one, like it or not.

What can we rely on during this time? A good bottle of wine is great. I shouldn't encourage you, ha! I love my wine moments. It can be scary though to see how easy it is to long for that time, to get lost in the daze of buzzing away. Be compassionate with yourself. Trust yourself. Sometimes we need to escape. Unfortunately or fortunately for me, eventually, too much alcohol increases anxiety and unrest and I long for clarity of mind and fresh eyes. God may have put that mix in there to keep me from excess. I also find it harder to sleep unlike my youth...

I understand thinking a lot about unrealized dreams at retirement. I'm 49, my husband was 53, we were close, just beginning to envision. We wanted to retire early so to speak. Move out of the city. It kind of sucks, when people work so hard, looking towards that moment and then we find that that future time is gone and we have to face those years differently. How can we move into that dream of restfulness when we are so in need of the type of restfulness our spouse gave us? It's hard. There is no answer there. Not yet. Maybe in the living, we begin to find answers to our experience, putting the pieces of the puzzle together.

 

So sorry for you loss..
I lost my wife on the 17 of July..and I thought I was going nuts myself I habe never had anxiety like thus till now..
Its pretty bad at times ...just like you said its a hugh weight on my chest and i cant breath.
And i just start wigging out..

Thank you for sharing your experience with this same problem..
May you find peace..

 

A bit of levity here: Just make sure you're not going the route of AA (alcoholics anonymous) or AAA (American Auto Association). You're going to have anguish, anxiety -- they will come in waves. It is the apathy you need to work on.

 

Thank you for that but of levity ..you are rite..
I'm trying to not go down that road..
Trying to not get disinterested or not caring .
Aometimes I feel that way but I jerk myself out by finding something or making myself get up..

 

As I read your story, I realize that I have the apathy you spoke of. I just don't seem to care anymore about much of anything. I go through the days one after another, this one just like the last, just passing the time with whatever. I also drink too much wine too often. But it makes me feel better and think of better things. My husband and I used to go camping in our fifth wheel camper. Spending the winter in Florida visiting relatives. When he passed I sold the camper and truck he used to pull it with. I couldn't use it myself, but it was another loss when it was gone. Realization that we would never enjoy that time together again. I have the memories to look back on and enjoy the good times I had with him. I hope you are able to dig in and keep going like you said. I will try to do the same.