Worst pain ever

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by pcm, Jun 13, 2021.


Anyone else feel like they are expected to shut up and move on already?

  1. Yes

    3 vote(s)
  2. No

    1 vote(s)
  3. Not sure

    0 vote(s)
  1. pcm

    pcm New Member

    Hello, I'm from the UK so don't even know how I found myself here but here I am almost exactly 2 weeks after my partner passed. The loneliness is the most overwhelming feeling right now amd due to sudden death cant even plan funeral yet.
    The first week I thought I done well until I forgot to take meds after major op and became physically very ill. Getting over that now but back to the beginning of my grief meanwhile everyone else seems to think I should be ok now. I miss him so much and talk to him often. I am trained in mental health care and have suffered depression most my life however knowing what to expect cannot possibly ease this pain. How am I going to fight my recovery from surgery, depression, anxiety and grief to be back at work in 3 weeks without the only person that was getting me through? I'm scared. I thought I could cope so much better than this. There's no choice but to keep going but how can everyone expect me to do all this so easily? Has anyone else felt like this? Like you shouldn't be talking anymore and just get on with life when my life has been ripped apart as has my body as internal wounds have reopened since he left. Sorry to intrude. I just dont know anyone who I can relate to x
  2. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member

    All you can do is to take one second, one minute, one hour, one day, at a time and try to remember the good times you had together. I lost my wife in October of 2019 to cancer, and I'm still suffering. There is no timeframe for loss and grief. Keep reaching out to the wonderful people on this site. It helps to talk about your feelings. One step at a time.
    May God bless you and give you peace.
    Mary0128 and DEB321 like this.
  3. pcm

    pcm New Member

    Thank you so much Bill. I appreciate your reply. I'm so very sorry to hear about your wife. My dad lost my mum when I was only 8 im now 37 and he has never had a new relationship. My brother lost his partner at my age and is now happily in another relationship. I cannot begin to think of life without my partner. Everyone is different. I really hope this does not define the rest of my life but cannot possibly find anyone like I lost nor do I want to.

    I'm actually a bit shocked that everyone thinks it's time to move on when the funeral hasn't even happened! I've lost a lot of people I loved but struggled with my grandads suicide amd worry as this was a sudden death amd due to covid I cannot see my partner again I will struggle again without closure.

    I have absolutely been taking things hour by hour but somehow 2 weeks have passed. Yes I'm still here but I have increasing pressure to get things done and plan return to work when I'm still recovering from surgery. I feel rushed back to life as everyone tells me I need normality. I know I need to force myself back into routine and structure as it will help but feel I'm running out of time to manage to do this.

    I just read something about grief and it had a planner. I'm thinking I may try this with very small goals as I was just about to a year following surgery except now its planning how to get through each day. Obviously there will be no big plans or anything I know I cannot do but maybe it's time to het some sort of structure. I just want the funeral over with amd dont feel I'm even getting that time to cope with my grief.

    Thank you so much. I will hopefully be able to reach out to others and possibly help in sharing my feelings. I write notes on my phone to him and plan to get counselling as I know I cannot do this alone. Thank you for sharing amd your kind words.

    I'm so sorry you are still so sad about your wife as 2 years is nothing. Well really not much more than a year. Time stops but also rushes past. It's confusing. I hope you too are learning to find peace. Thank you.
  4. Patti 61

    Patti 61 Guest

    Dear DCM, My thoughts and prayers are with you, am so sorry for your loss. Also lifting you in prayer recouping from your recent surgery.
    I lost my husband after 24 years ) of Parkinsons, totally cared for him his last nine years, God called him to Heaven
    There hasn't been a day go by that I haven't cried, We were married 61 years when I lost him and our 65 th anniversary was in May.
    I pray daily for God to give me the strength I need through this now life journey.
    My daughter in law is from England, I believe Bedfordshire.
    Prayers and hug for you. Patti
  5. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member

  6. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member

    Our Story

    Janet and Bill

    My Beloved wife Janet lost her earthly battle against brain cancer on October 18th, 2019 at 8:40 in the morning. I was at her side, as I was every minute of every day for over a year. Janet was the bravest, and most caring human being that I have ever known. Despite all the pain and physical challenges she faced every day, she was always more concerned about how I was doing. Are you OK? was always the first thing out of her mouth every morning. She knew she was dying with no hope of recovery, but she always put my welfare first.

    If, with your permission, I can now turn back the clock to January of 2019, I will continue with OUR story.

    Janet started having problems with her balance early in January and would fall on occasion. After several trips to the emergency room, she was finally examined by an on-duty brain surgeon who ordered an immediate CT-scan. They discovered a rapidly growing tumor near the area of the brain that controls sight. She had been having a lot of problems with her peripheral vision, and they had to be extra careful if any surgeries were planned, because of the risk for blindness. Despite the danger and because of the urgency, surgery was scheduled the next morning. They drilled a hole in the back of Janet’s skull and tried to carefully vacuum out the cancer. They failed to get it all, due to the close proximity of the vision area of the brain and the tumor. They then tried radiation treatments (5 days a week for 16 weeks). At this point we still had a glimmer of hope, which was soon dashed when, after the radiation treatments, we were told there were no other pathways to a successful result, and my beloved Soulmate Janet was going to die... There was nothing we could do now but to accept what they predicted.

    We were then transferred to hospice care and I assumed the role of full-time caretaker, but she could, at least, stay at home. After a few weeks Doctors decided that Janet should go on 24-hour bedrest with a catheter and all (she hated that catheter) At that point, I had lost 50 pounds, and my clothes no longer fit, but Hospice still allowed me to move into Janet’s room and to sleep in a chair that folded out into a makeshift bed so I could continue to be close to her 24/7.

    When I was caring for Janet at home, she slept in a recliner in our living room, and I crashed within arm’s length of her on the corner of the couch next to her chair, so I could be available to help her to the bathroom, or if she needed assistance for anything. I never left her side, nor did I want to. Her nearness gave me strength. The Hospice volunteers and staff became our family. I will be forever grateful for their kindness. As time passed, it became more difficult for Janet to chew and swallow her food, so I had to cut up her food and spoon feed her, and eventually, she could only eat pudding or yogurt. I will never forget the grateful look in her eyes when I fed her. That look is one of my most cherished memories. Janet has contacted me since she passed, and I feel her presence often, and her reactions to unseen entities has inspired me to write several songs. She has mentored me from beyond this physical life every single day, and I know I will be with her again when my time on earth is over. The day I first met her was the luckiest day of my life.

    We listened to music together all the time.” Adagio for Strings” by Samuel Barber and Donny Hathaway’s “A Song for You” played while she died. I love and miss her so much it’s impossible to describe. I have learned to exist without her, but I still grieve the loss of US/WE as a pair. I wouldn’t be writing this if not for music, and the written word which saved me. (Thank you Joanie)
  7. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member

    (24) William Lathrop - YouTube
  8. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member

    This is the start of a new song.
    The Tapestry

    Bill Lathrop (2021)

    Your smile, and your devotion to God without strife, all come together, to form the of bits and pieces that became the tapestry of my life.

    My dream has always been, to fall into your warm and welcoming arms and then, to entertain all your faultless and endearing charms again…

    It took your dying and death to open my eyes all the way, so I now can embrace what real love means, as I see things today, and as I emerge from what I call my personal abyss and face another day without your loving kiss, I accept that life is not just hit or miss but has a purpose that never ends, as we move from one existence to another to find whatever God intends.

    Your smile, your devotion to God without strife and the gift that you’re forever in my life, all come together to

    weave the fabric that has now become… the substance of my life.

    Your smile, and your devotion us without strife, all come together, to form the of bits and pieces that became the tapestry of my life.

    Weave me Jesus… in your image… Please Weave me.
  9. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member