Wondering if what I remember is real

My loss could probably be categorized as 'disenfranchised grief'. Our relationship was very deep, but had no official title. We did not spend a lot of time together outside of church, but many people there thought we were married because of how we interacted with each other. We looked to each other for the emotional connection and support that spouses share. When his friend was killed, it was me he called for comfort. When my plumbing broke down, he came and fixed it. When he needed someone to go to his endoscopy with him, he asked me. I was with him when they gave the diagnosis. When he went back to his home town to be with family until he died, we kept in touch almost daily. We become more open about our feelings for each other. One of his last texts to me was "It's 4 AM, and I'm sitting here thinking of you'. His mom called me when he went into the hospital for the last time, and kept me updated until he passed. She told me that she knew what he meant to me, and that I meant the same to him.

But I keep second-guessing that, afraid that I'm reading more into our relationship than was there. To most people that I know, I have just lost a good friend. I'm not treated like a grieving wife or girlfriend. I only received one sympathy card. But close friends that know us both tell me that the only two people who didn't know that we were in love with each other was us.

But I did know that I was in love with him. I would have married him without hesitation if he would have asked. He had been widowed for 20+ years, and told me from the beginning of our friendship that he didn't want a girlfriend. I never needed that label while he was alive, I was just happy to have him in my life. But now that he's gone, I wish our relationship was better defined and understood, by me and others.

 

Washiiuwia, I found your post so touching. What you had with your partner seems like something you would only read about or watch in a movie, but never experience. And bigger than a specific title- it seems that you were more to him than what could even be put into a category. Many times we hear about those terms, "wife" "girlfriend" "partner" "spouse" "domestic partner" "friend" "significant other" "best friend" "Lover"...the list goes on.
But from what you describe and from what you describe you felt...and how he treated and felt about you- seemed like you were more than JUST those things. Some people only get the opportunity to be maybe one of two of those titles. It seems like you were all of them at different times in your relationship and that is something that only you and him need to know and understand. Know that despite not having what you may have WANTED, you had exactly what both you and him NEEDED. He needed you during some of the most vulnerable times in his life and that is something that you can treasure. And that is something that needs no definition by anyone but the two of you.

Wishing you the best and sending you peace and comfort during this time.

 

Nicole you said it about as well as it could be said. My marriage was great and went for a very long time but we had hole big enough to drive a truck thru. I in a grief induced late night insomnia stupor wondered into a dating site. I am in no shape to be in a new relationship. I had a vague idea that a few women would like to go to dinner and swap life stories and that would be that. I was trying to add some support network to a good base of friends but they have lives too. The point is that I read some women's profiles and was stunned that such quality was on this site for round two. I may not have been drawn to any one but I can see quality and what a well lived life looks like. I felt like stopping traffic and finding men for these women. I decided there are three types of chemistry. The sexual and intimacy chemistry that was always confusing to me. The chemistry of the mind. An intellectual connection where a four hour conversation seemed like ten minuets. Then really the most wonderful. This I would call the emotional or soul chemistry. This we feel our friend, partner, fellow life traveler will never hurt us. We feel safe in their presence. Accepted and known, it has a rhythm and flows. I may be waxing poetic here but to any one on this site who wishes to comment on how to bring this quality to our lives , please do so. I think as women you do this with children and grandchildren. Maybe church friends or volunteer altruism. I can speak to general well being activities that helped a lot. These I have referred to as well being darts. There must be fifty I have thrown in some trial and error fashion to fill the void of my now departed wife. Nicole is correct I believe that we extend our selves for the benefit of the other with no expectation of return. Selfless giving because we can see and feel. Not trying to start a revolution here. Just a few comments with an open mind to what others think. Thanks and best to you both. Paul

 

Thank you Nicole. You indeed said it well.

 

Thank you Paul.

 

Of course Washijuwia. It can be extremely hard to have someone pass and not have some of those questions answered. And it is equally hard to hold on to what we did have with our loved ones, because we are left with the "what if's." Sometimes, those "what if" moments hold us back and hold us up, and sometimes those moments are what propel us to be better in our lives. There is never a right way or a wrong way to grieve, mourn, or remember. Anytime!

 

Nicole I am going to expand an what you have said. There was a heavy recrimination phase. I played Willie Nelsons " Always on my mind", over and over again. The processing of grief works on multiple levels. Some concerned the 40 year marriage and could I have done better. That would be , Yes. But then some proportionality has to play in. My experience with grief is that many emotions are on steroids and exaggerated.There were two kind off technical questions that will never be answered. The other questions dealt with the unfolding of cancer and how it presented over time. To Nicole's point is that we end processing these questions an the deepest and most profound way. In that we now my gain a certain type of wisdom and empathy for others that could not come if not for the personal suffering that is grief. Perhaps a shorter way of saying it, don't know.. As always best to you both. Paul

 

Thank you both. I am on my way to work, so don't have time to write the reply that is in my head. Maybe later today.