How do I go on after losing the love of my life to suicide after he held me hostage at gun point and tried to kill me? I hate him but I miss him so deeply and I can't understand why. Why wld he try to kill me. I know he had alot of drugs in his system, so that explained alot, but how do you want to kill someone you love? And did he only kill himself because he knew he'd be in prison for a very long time or was it because of the pain of knowing what he had just done to me? So many questions that will nvr be answered. It's been 7 months now, holidays were so hard, my life has completely changed. I've lost everything...I've lost all of who I used to be. I'm so broken that I hv days that I just wish I had died that day instead of feeling this pain everyday. I can't see there ever being a day anytime soon, that I will laugh, smile, be strong, put makeup on, do something w myself...just be happy again and will I ever want another man in my life, those are the questions I ask myself daily.
When someone has a lot of drugs in their system, they are not 'themselves'. They thing and do very irrational things sometimes. If your boyfriend was on meth, he was proably very paranoid and may have seen you as some kind of threat. One thing you can know for sure is that he lost all hope. When people lose all hope, they do desperate things. You have suffered a very traumatic experience. It is not going to heal overnight. It is a slow process of just continuing to face each day the best you can. Yes you are definitely a different person and will never be the same, but with the love and strength of Jesus Christ you can continue on and gradually get stronger and better than now. Don't give up hope also like he did. Hang on and God will carry you through these rough times until you begin to see the light again. I care about you. Stay in touch with us here. We truly understand because we all have suffered deep losses and some, like you and I, have had to learn to continue on after a suicide. Sending God's blessings, strenght, healing, and love to you, Chris
, Hello Butterfly Girl. Your story is truly harrowing and heartbreaking. I'm so sorry for the trauma and loss you are going through. Why do we hurt the ones' we love question has always been in my life... Although a much different circumstance, I have one story that I hope might help: When I was six years old, me, my mother, brother, and sister had gone to visit friends one cold Nebraska night. During our time there mom had drank too much, and who knows what else... But as usual, mom got behind the wheel stoned out of her mind to drive home. We kids just prayed we'd make it home. Mom was in the middle of a mental health crisis. She started to cry and tell us that we were her only reason to be 'here', but she didn't want to be here anymore and worried what would happen to us without her. She decided to take us with her. Mom steered the car off the road and down a long snowy, icy, hill we began to slide. My whole brief life passed before my eyes and I knew we were about to die in the frozen lake that awaited below. My brother and I just froze in fear, but my sister, my hero, lunged over the seat and grabbed mom by the neck to get her to stop. We stopped. I have no memory of the rest of that night/event. So from the age of six, I knew instinctive hatred for her after trying to kill me, but I also loved her more than anyone. Now 54 years later I have a much better understanding of her desperation, her depression crisis, her not wanting 'to be'. This would be the first of many PTSD events and has now become part of the tapestry of my life. The only suggestion I have at the moment is that you please take care of yourself by seeking professional help with the ensuing PTSD that will no doubt complicate your grief process. God bless you. Peace. ~ Michael
Michael, Thanks for taking the time to share your story in the hopes of increasing Butterfly Girl's attempt to make sense of it all. My heart goes out to you also. No matter how many years go by, the effects of a crisis like yours remains with a person one way or another. We are never the same person, but by the grace of God we are able to continue on and continue to contribute to others' needs. May God bless you and continuue to use you to encourage and support others. Chris
Dear Butterflygirl Our stories are so similar. It's unfortunate that their was violence involved in your situation. I'm so glad that you are still here. His pain must have been so intense to be at that point to threaten to harm you. Drugs also don't help! The surreal anguish he must of felt about going to prison, combined with threating and scaring you. You may never know for certain. But the fact that you are still here must reflect that he did care and love you. Sometimes people project the pain and fear they are experiencing on the ones they love. The similarities that we share is the pain that's left behind. when you lose your love to suicide. We must now try to navigate. You stated it so perfectly: WILL the pain ever stop? Will I be able to feel like myself ågain? Will I ever love again? These are same questions I struggle with. June 29 will be the fifth anniversary of losing my Paulie to suicide. I'm still not there. I still feel stuck in this limbo of anguish and hurt. I miss him so much it hurts. Why did he leave me? It hurts so bad at times that I fall to my knees. When I cry I feel like I can feel my heart breaking even more. How can it still beat as shattered as it is. I can't talk to friends and family anymore. They love and care for me but they grew weary of hearing about it. And I grew weary of sharing what they couldn't possible understand. So I don't mention it anymore to them. I've tried bottling it up. It doesn't work. I've tried drinking it a way; that definitely not only didn't work but made me worse. And difficult for others around me. I've went to treatment. Went to groups, it help for awhile and than it always seems to find it's way back. Holidays, birthdays, lonely days. Any day. I have no desire to look for love again, who could ever love me the way he did and be my best friend. My fear for myself is this relentless pain will consume whatever is left of me. It's a struggle to find the will to live. Not because I don't love my children, grand babies, family, life itself, and this beautiful world God has given us. How much I love God. It all boils down to the pain that is left behind. It's like no other pain when it's the love of your life. Or is it the love of my life and suicide. The fact that I want to end my pain but I'm stopped by not wanting my loved ones to feel this. It saves me.
Hello Butterfly, when I read your words, I thought of a few things that might bring you comfort. I have lived a life sober now for 19 years, but my brother did not get sober. He said and did some things when he was under the influence, but I know that was not him. There is a real person and then there is the person when they are in their disease. I forgave him before he passed to be with God 4 months ago. It is possible that your boyfriend loved you so much he wanted to take you with him. He was in pain and wanted the pain to stop but suicide is not the answer. God forgives and He is loving and will never give you more than you can handle. Pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth. I am now grieving my Mother who passed last Monday and my brother which has brought up the passing of my father 20 years ago. After my brother died 4 months ago, I was helping my Mom each day. I asked God for help each day to lead us and guide us. She was mad at God for taking her son, but she believed that I believed and that was a start for her to come out of the anger. Try to do the next right thing, keep it simple, eat food if you can (if you can't eat like me right now then eat liquid food) try to clean a bit each day and keep writing in here. It is helping me to type everyday here now and connect with all of you, so we are not alone. On the darkest night we can still see the stars. Think of us in here as the stars that guide you to God. He will provide for you and bring you to life again a little bit each day. xoxo Heather
Thank you, Heather for being such a bright light, helping to get us all through this dark night. ~ Michael
Butterfly, 4 days after my 15th birthday my mom held me hostage at gun point for about 6 hours. We waited for my 8 yr old sister to come home from school. I did not go that day. In those hours my mom repeatedly told me how she was going to kill us. Me first, no my sister first, no me. That was her trying to figure out which order out loud. She let me know if I did anything to escape it would be instantly over for my sister and her before anyone came through the door. There was no phone. I witnessed her put the gun to my 8 yr old sisters temple and prepare. Luckily she spared my sister and I from death, but my mother held my hand and shot herself. I witnessed her last breath. she was not on drugs. In her delusional state, she believed her life to be so full of suffering and lacked any form of happiness and she couldn’t bare to live another day but she couldn’t leave her children in a world she viewed to be so cruel and painful. She honestly believed if she killed us, that it was an act of love. I struggled most of my adult life with what you describe you are feeling. I would miss my mom and wish she was here, but then I was also so angry at her. I don’t think the suffering for me would have ever ended if I had not gotten help. I think there are just some things that are just too big and they cannot be carried alone. But I didn’t always think that way. So for most my younger adult life, I tried to heal on my own, or “let time heal all wounds”, which was a load of crock I was led to believe. My healing journey included ptsd group therapy annd individual therapy. When I graduated group, I did EMDR therapy which helped me immensely. Then after all this work, aprx 1.5 years 20 years later, I had healed enough to be stable. Then I started meditating which helped improve the regions of my brain that had been impacted by trauma that was causing negative impacts in my life. This was the cherry on top of my healing. Now I can work from a place of compassion using skills acquired through emotional intelligence training to understand the mindset of my mother, not to be confused with acceptance of her mindset, but just understanding she was not mentally healthy. I can offer her compassion for her suffering, and love her, and offer true forgiveness. I have been released from my own suffering she gave me that day, and I now appreciate and love life. I hope this answers your question, but basically, yes, the pain can stop, but you have to be involved. Doing it lightly, and tenderly. Meaning when you go in to heal, sometimes just knowing the emotion is to great to work, so be with it instead. (Work with/be with…2 actions to take with emotions). Set a time limit of being with the emotion, like 15 minutes. Then allow yourself to go on with your day, and come back to the emotion the next day. I have learned a wealth of tools that helped me in my own process I am happy to share with you. While what worked for me may not work for you, but it’s a start to try new tools for healing.
I am glad you have found the way to compassion. This grief walk helps us understand more clearly the deep pain others are feeling. We can use this compassion to comfort them and remind them that God will never leave us or forsake us. He is always available to help us if we call on Him. Chris
