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Will Post more tomorrow

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by David Hughes, Jul 1, 2022.

  1. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    I wanted to let those who might wonder if I was still around. I have been busy and will get back to saying more when I have additional time to think and post. Even though the 4th is just around the corner, I hope those who are still posting or might post are doing their best to cope. - david
     
  2. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    My time away from this forum was significant and life changing. I was connected after calling the VA with the Readjustment Counselling Service. My counsellor was Teresa Clark, LCSW, LADC, CCS, Social Worker.

    I was given two sessions with her each week and the opportunity to join other veterans in a group session. I was able to open to Teresa about the events that shaped me as to who I am today. Sure there were bad memories, along with good. I shed tears, but she helped me through so much.

    Did I feel guilt for Bobby Dew, a fellow veteran, who worked the shift before, who died after a 122 rocket hit our work van, and eleven soldiers were wounded. When you see how war can affect others, it changes you - I did indeed wonder why him and not me as I had just left work an hour earlier. His funeral was held in the rain on the basketball court - a life altering moment on my psyche. Teresa, helped me through the guilt, and guided to another counsellor as well

    Jerry Smith, Veterans Service Officer, talked with me in-depth about my 12 years and 7 months in the U.S.Army and two tours in Nam. I told him of my trouble with hearing, and my arthritis in both knees (5 procedures) His team put in two disability for me on my hearing and knees. I was sent to Va authorized Hearing Professional and Orthopedic Professional.

    I was probed and tested. After all is said and done, I was awarded to 30 percent service connected disability. I was extremely thankful, because I had avoided doing anything about both until I was 72, I kept feeling guilty, knowing how much I had seen in the service to other veterans. My family implored me for years to see the VA, thank God I finally did.

    I am now in Priority group 4 for veterans care. My health care needs, medicine and care is provided by the VA. How foolish I was to think so less of myself that I did not merit attention. I also receive a monthly stipend from the VA.

    The veterans group has two counsellors and the soldiers in a round the room, and tv monitors for those attending remotely. All I will say is the meetings are helpful, as we also talk about life matters besides the military and any events that affected us. I have also talked to two priests, as I am a devout Roman Catholic.

    I became sick and was hospitalized (all care VA covered). I had an ECRP. The team of doctors said I had jaundice, and the procedure had warnings of liver cancer, pancreatic cancer and one other. The surgery after a 5 day fast of no water or food went well, the juandice disappeared and I had a stent placed inside me - in April of this year. In June it was removed and all the bad signs had abated. I will say,

    I prayed each day to God that I felt I needed more time with my sons to help them along in life. One son, my oldest is bonded and I use to put him on my chest as a baby and let him sleep - so in a way we are connected.

    So this had a good ending, and I have healed inside and recovered. I will say there is so much more to life. Do I feel lucky, yes of course, but please remember, to me my prayers were answered by God. I have more but that is all for me today.
     
  3. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

  4. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Now I wish to share with you a post I made in the past. Why? Grief is a strong feeling, we all make many choices along the road of sorrow. Here is the post:

    I am here today, on Earth for some reason, I can’t know for sure. Let me explain further. When my wife was struggling with cancer, my son and I took her to the Cleveland Clinic in Weston, Florida and left her in the car as we both walked to get a wheelchair.

    My breathing became labored, it was 98 degrees out, as I continued to walk, I saw a bench ahead and made it to it. I sat there, holding my chest and told my son to go ahead and get the wheelchair. What I would realize years later is I had had a heart attack and destroyed a small part of my heart. We were all so concerned with Nadine I completely forgot about myself.

    When we got back to Nadine in the car, she was on the phone, with the insurance company. She was crying, begging them not to cancel her insurance. She cried that she wanted to live, both my son and me stopped in our tracks.

    I can’t tell you how my son reacted, but he would tell me just recently on that day he died, inside of himself. From that day forward he said he no longer cared for life anymore. I was just shocked at what my wife had been put through, finally, after all the pleading she got the ok to go into the hospital and take the tests. It was on those days she found out she had terminal cancer.

    I can’t put into words, how we all felt from that day forward for a long time. Life was so foggy, sure we cried, we hugged and kissed each other and it was from then to this day that I never truly realized how messed up our world had become.

    As the days, weeks, months passed, there were so many tests, so many disappointments, but she never gave up. We were with her every step of the way. We knew that cancer had taken an interest in Nadine. No amount of praying, silent crying, willing to sacrifice ourselves for her were ever answered.

    So we took each day we had with each other. Music had always been such a devouring part of my life, I could get lost in it, I needed it, we all needed it. I can’t tell you how many sad days and nights we had, but we kept each other close, dreading passage of time, and so many disappointing answers she would receive. But what amazed me, and my son was Nadine. She refused to give in to despair. She truly kept us grounded, each of us so fragile at that time inside.

    I won’t soften it for you or anyone else, grief can start before death, it can take you to a place that is hard to come back from. As time passed, and she was removed from the transplant list for the third and final time, words can’t describe how we moved forward in life from that point.

    Her former boss paid for her life flight back to Maine, where we closed up the house, waited for the packers to empty the house, signed the papers with the lawyers to take the house, and we had a grueling 3 day trip back to Maine to Nadine in the Auburn, Maine hospice house.

    During this time, her last remaining sister Linda (her two brothers and other sister passed while we were married) and Lisa, her niece, a U.S certified traveling nurse stayed with us, until they accompanied her on that life flight back home to Maine.

    There were many other occasions, tons of exasperation with life in general, so many touching moments, so many tender moments we all shared with one another. Life is such an enigma, we never realize until it happens to you just how fragile we all are inside.

    I won’t go through the remaining 3 months of Nadine’s life, I will just tell you even though we had ten years to go through this cancer process with her, I am sure we were such an unknown to so many people. Nadine’s faith carried us through to the end.

    I will say she was visited by an angel in her dreams, there in hospice, she told Nadine in heaven she would take care of all the unwanted children. Her face had an amazing look, I am sure there were many tears streaming down everyone’s face that moment, as we all sat, listened, it was so quiet in the room.

    I am a Roman Catholic, I believe in God, and pray to him so much. So when others wonder why I am so strong, it is because of who I have become in life, Nadine, God, my sons, my life experiences, all the losses have brought me to this time and place.

    I have many regrets. I have wished for so many things in my life, sometimes all prayers can’t be answered. Sure life can be so unfair. But I refused to ever give up, I will try to give my strength to my sons, through love, through talks, through hugs and kisses and through memories, some more painful than others.

    Now to answer your question, how do I find these songs. My heart and mind find these songs. I spend literally hours searching, listening, hoping I found a particular song for others, and even for myself that so profoundly grabs us all that after I find it and post it, I know I feel better inside for doing it.

    I am not sure where life will take me, and when life will come to an end for me. I know, after all I have seen in life, how it has affected so many people, and admired how people found a way to overcome so many losses, and obstacles in front of them.

    I have been so changed by life, but that is ok with me. Sure I don’t know if I can help another, but I know that inside myself, I face the night as I crawl into bed with some peace of mind, that I too will refuse to give up on life. I am here, until I am no longer. I will cling to life for as long as God will allow it.

    Last year around Nadine’s birthday in July, as I slept, I had a dream that when I awoke I remembered it so vividly. I had dreamed a spirit all in white had laid on my chest that night. I felt so comforted by that dream. I just believe my wife had reached out to me in my greatest time of need and allowed me to finally start to heal inside.

    I would say some days my hands, my thoughts may not be my own, they are pushed by a feeling, a desire to do something. I truly hope you will allow yourself to take the time you need to face those enormous emotions you have built up inside.

    Loss is truly so hard to face, let alone, take the time to open up your heart to others. It is scary, and one we all don’t know where it will take us to tomorrow. I just hope as you read my words, you understand, yes, others have felt loss, we are in ways so connected by our loss.

    Please just take care of yourself and talk as you are able. We all will listen. Peace be with you tonight.

    -david



    Now there is so much more to talk about when we are filled with grief. I don't have all the answers, and we all will have unique experiences as we travel on the road of grief. I will be honest - I still suffer days when tears flow so easily, sometimes it is something trivial, and then something perhaps significant. I will say, Nadine, past in April of 2015, but the love of my life is still so much a part of me and my thoughts. With the help of prayers to God and talking to Nadine I continue on. -david