Will I ever feel happiness again?

It's been 5 months, 19 days, 12 hours and 26 minutes since he passed into eternity in my arms, in our home, with our 4 children around his bed.

I know that he needed to go. I understand that he couldn't stay. Truth is, I am grateful he isn't suffering anymore. I have loved that man since he was a boy of 17. I lost him 3 months before his 56th birthday. 38 years..... We loved each other 38 years and now.....

POOF..... He is gone. My heart aches for him. My heart longs for that precious, lovely man..... but he is simply gone.


I know I will get through this. I know Father has a plan for me without him. I am a believer and believers don't grieve as unbelievers do for our hope is in Christ Jesus. I know I will see him again....


But I gotta say.....
This sucks.....
A lot....

I feel empty all the time.
I haven't lost my faith. It's the only thing keeping me standing, but I feel sad all the time. I know I will survive this. I know I have purpose. I want to complete the purpose for which I was created. Lord, help all of us find you. In our pain, comfort us and give us strength. Help us find courage to keep moving when everything in us tells us to just lay down and stop.

Aauuuuggghhhh! I just miss him so much, every single second since he looked at me last. Sweet Ronan Keith, I will always love you, into eternity.

 

Terri, your words could not have been more clearer in describing the way many of us feel. We all have clocks running in our heads - how long has it been since last we talked, held each other, and just simply lived life. I count the number of Mondays since that is the day my wife passed. Yes, we do feel grateful that they no longer have to deal with the disease anymore. We actually had beat cancer twice and after a stem cell transplant, thought we were finally on track. Life isn't that simple and within 30 days, the love of my life was gone. The last week I could hear heaven calling and prayed for a quick and peaceful end. There are no "what if's" other than getting cancer. We did everything we could as a patient and caregiver - it just wasn't meant to be. Like you, my faith has helped although I struggle with the emptiness this has caused - not for me but for my children and grand children. This was her purpose in life and she was so much better at it than me. Her one and only wish while battling cancer was to be around for the grand kids and this was taken away from her. There are many ways eloquent ways to describe our feelings but I think you said it the best - this sucks. I kept asking God what my purpose in life is. What do you want me to do now? I finally came to the realization that when we first were put on this earth, we had to forge our own path. So I believe we need to find purpose once again and live a life our spouses would have wanted us to. Your last sentence sums it up the best. A touch of frustration and loneliness yet a clear message to heaven of your love for your husband. All of us on this board speak the same language - just different words. Thank you for expressing the way many of us feel.

 

Ksteve, thank you for your kind words. Your wife sounds lovely. I am sorry for your children and grandchildren's pain.

Honestly, the only time I forgot about my pain is when I have my 3 year old grandbaby. She is our 7th grandchild and they adored one another. I am so grateful I took pictures of them together the last time she saw him. We had no idea it was their last time together. They were working in the yard together. That man and his flowers. He has made me a gardener now. I am now the keeper of his beautiful flowers. Most of them are asleep now. He had been chronically ill for several years, but it was not terminal. So, he had been adding things every year that he knew would come back yearly so that I would have a beautiful yard once he was gone. We just never dreamed he would be gone so fast. The cancer came out of no where and took him so fast That man had blood work every 3 months and they did not find the cancer until 3 months before he died. How does that happen? When the doctor finally gave us a timeline, he told us he had a year to live. Six weeks and one day later he died in my arms.

I don't know how anyone survives this kind of loss without Christ. Just talking about him makes me so happy and sad at the same time. But, you understand that, don't you?

Just knowing I have a place to go where I can talk about him and know that whoever is listening cares and isn't sick of hearing me. Thank you for that.

Thank you to everyone on this site. Just knowing I am not alone helps. Not a lot, but it does help.

I am praying for everyone on this site. I pray comfort for us all and strength to go forward with whatever Father has for us.

God bless you all.

 

Ksteve, please tell me about your wife any time you need to. I would be happy to hear about her.

 

Terri, your words mirror my own. I met my husband when he was 17 and I was 15. We are soulmates. We almost made it to 49 wonderful years of marriage. Yes cancer sucks. And now that he is gone I wonder what my purpose is now too. In March it will be one year he went on ahead......I know he is there and we will be together again. But life here without him is difficult. I have been having better days, but I have meltdowns now and then. I know so many of us are in the same boat. They say it will get better. But after so many years of loving a person and being loved back, knowing how fortunate we were, how long does it take to get better.....I will never truly get over this, and I really am trying to figure out where my path is leading me. I do hope better days are ahead.

 

I am so sorry for your loss. I truly am. I don't think we do get over this loss. I think in time we learn to live with it. I cried all day again. I am just so profoundly sad all the time now. I know it won't always he like this. It can't be. Father God has something better for us than this pain. There has to be a way to turn this pain into something we can build the kingdom of God with. Don't ask me what this is right now. Cause the way I feel now is still so raw. But I am a believer, so I have to believe I will heal in time and find joy in this part of my journey without him. The hardest part .... sheesh, who am I kidding, it's all so hard. I am breathing now. That's progress. I don't know what my new normal is supposed to look like. Saturday was 6 months for me. Sheesh. It's been a year for you and you still sound as heart broken as I am now. It is any easier, at all? I find myself isolating because I don't really have anything to say that doesn't involve him. I am positive people are tired of listening to me lament over my sweet Ronan Keith. I got the paperwork in the mail Saturday from the lawyer with all the LEGAL papers that declare him gone in the eyes of the state. The house is under my name now. I have to go to the dmv and have the car put under my name. I may have to wait a while for that. I can just see me crying my heart out in the DMV. They are taking his name off of everything, like he was never here. But, he was here. He saved me at 17 and then he loved me until his last breath. Poor baby was so worried about me. Three weeks before he died, with 25 pounds of fluid in his stomach, he climbed on a ladder to change light bulbs in our 10 ceiling. How did he do that? He waited until Inran to the pharmacy. When I came home all of the bulbs were changed. He was trying so hard to fix everything for me That sweet man never stopped. He took care of me literally up until the moment he started actively dying. I miss him so much. No one has ever loved me so purely. No one has ever wirked so hard to provide for me. All he caredabout was making sure thth Inwould be okay once he was gone. I am so grateful I was blessed to have him for so long. How does anyone survive this level of pain without Jesus? I feel as though my heart may never heal, but the Binle promises that we do not grieve as unbelievers. I believe that he is with Father and I will see him again. That brings me peace, but still the only time I am not overwhelmed with sadness is when I have my grandbaby. She is 3 and she loves her PawPaw so much. We talk about him sometimes when she is with me. She wears his boots and we talk about him living with Jesus now. She was the apple of his eye.

Oh, I hope this gets easier. How does one live with this level of loss? Thank you for sharing your story with me. Please, write to me any time you need to. I truly am sorry that you lost your sweetheart. God bless you and keep you and comfort your heart.

 

Terri appreciate your words. My hospice counselor encouraged my attending our local grief groups. My impression was some ached and cried for the loss , others spoke on the services and their persons wishes, then many spoke to how they loved and how they were loved. This was of most interest to me. Having been in one marriage it was good to hear others account of the most cherished parts in theirs. So your account of light bulbs is most moving !! I wrote her sister and brother a letter to go with the boxes packed with samples of Kay's life. The letter out lined her impact to others in this life. I said that we will grieve her as long as it takes. Then we will honor her. We will remember all that she did and how. Then in our own ways we will put back into this world what we were given. We will do this in our own way and as life presents the opportunity's. Best to you Terri on this most difficult time in all of our lives. Yes please let God assist. A long way to go!! Paul

 

Paul,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Kay. I think I may make a box for my Ronan's brother and sister. It's a really good idea.

Thank you for responding to my post. I thought I was doing better. I actually went a few days without a crying. I was grateful that I wasn't as brokenhearted, but I was sad because I was afraid it meant I was losing him again. Isn't that strange, that I find comfort in my grief? Then, today I fell apart again, all alone. I don't share my sadness with anyone because, what's the point? No one can make the pain stop. I wonder how long this goes on. This past six months changed everything.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done.

 

Terri,
The box was received well and I felt so much better for doing it. More so in Kay's case for two reasons. The big one was she choose to keep her illness secrete, no one was to know. I struggled with that one a lot. My take was all out in the open and let the power of many inform your life. Her point was she did not want every conversation tainted with cancer. I had to respect her wishes. I did break down and told her brother. He and I had been friends since grade school. I knew I would be complete basket case at her passing and would not be able to speak for some time. The next item was she had so many funny quirky things that amused a busy mind. I had so much to choose from to assemble a montage of a complex personality. It was a creative under taking of choosing a wide range of items to fit their individual personalities. It could be birthday cards they had sent Kay ten years ago or meaning full pictures. Maybe some clothes that high lighted range of still. You get the idea.

As I read your expressions and honesty so many thoughts come to mind. A flood really. Keeping them close and letting go. There are maybe five people that know and love Kay on a deeply personal level. I consider them to be gold. From time to time in the coming years I want a reunion of sorts. Some conversations that celebrate and rekindle our love for Kay. There is this holding close and living a life. I am blown away by the complexity that is grief. I will compare it to a diamond ring. Each glistening shinny facet is one topic I can spent hours and days thinking about. I fully expect each day will be filled with charged emotions. Some are wonderful and others devastatingly painful. Kay has a linguistic psychologist friend that I e-mail from time to time. I wrote her a chronology of how utterly insane my grief has presented so far. Hospice has a list of 50 ways this experience can express it self. Kay's friend in just a few lines said. Keep a mental note of how at times you do feel a bit better. This feel better is at glacier pace but she is right. There are tiny better days. There are horrific days but maybe those recede and are less frequent and not as intense. The sharing of sadness and pain. That is a hard one. We are so vulnerable and to not be under stood by others makes it worse. That is why we come here. Some people will tend to push their world view and discomfort with pain and grief on us. I look at them and in my mind think that I have sixty five years of living in my body. How many years, days, minuets, seconds have you. I am hare all the time and have never seen you live with my thoughts, feelings or memories. Others can bring us joy, distraction, wisdom , maybe aspects of our selves that need a little tiding up. Lets hope we find the others that can allow us to be ourselves. Maybe a little to run on and stream of babel. Good luck with your boxes should you choose to do this. A note on this is shipping and breakage. These are not replaceable items.

Best to you Terri.

Paul PS your last line. I often said that my marring Kay was and is the best single decision I have ever made. Helping her pass was the hardest thing I have ever done. Living with this is the second hardest.

 

Out of nowhere came the news, blood cancer, probably less than a 6 months to live and we were off on our journey. Chemo like drug and transfusions gave us a few extra months but on Friday last January he said he didn't want to go to the dr anymore, hospice came that Friday and he died that Sunday. After 42 years of marriage, its just so weird. I was prepared for the sadness but not the all the changes of how I feel about myself and how others see me. I am a women of faith, I will see my husband again and a happy for him to be in heaven but I was not prepared how it changed me, it threw me into widowhood, it made me suddenly a third wheel and I feel out of it at gatherings. Most of my interest and energy in activities is gone. I look at our pictures and it all seems unreal. Its been a year and some moments are ok and then its like someone punches you in the stomach, I go over his last few days over and over in my mind. Friends who have been thru it say it will get easier but it will always be different and the memories bittersweet.

 

Jean, I am so very sorry for your loss....its just been a year my husband has beengone....feels like forever ..... it isnt getting easier for me...I have good days but I have bad days too. I think the lonleness is the hardest thing. After 48 years of a wonderful marriage, I dont really know how to go on without my soulmate... I know everything hppens for a reason. I know there must be a plan for me, and hopefully I will be happy again, but I dont know .....I sure dont know when...

 

THANKS FOR YOUR RESPONSE Yellow Eye Dog, getting past the first Christmas and anniversary of his death was hard for myself and my daughter but I feel like its going to get better, I know there will be sad moments again but I can still laugh and love my daughter and granddaughter and enjoy friends and other things at least some of the time. My husband and I were dating at 15 so he was my other half in many ways so its weird being "one" and growing old or fearing getting sick without him to rely on is scary but I.m trusting God still has a plan for me for the next 20-30 years. I have signed up to try a few volunteer things, taking a step moving forward. Do you have children or a good friend you can talk to? My best friend lost her husband 6 years ago and has helped me. My daughter goes to grief counselor at church but that wasn't for me.

 

I thank you all for everything you said its been 11 months in 9 days but it feels like that very day they took him out my arms i hurt im angry im lonely an i dont understand how this all happened all i no is i love Neil an i want him back i love God but i feel like im being punished an i dont no why

 

Earlene, Im so sorry you are having those feelings. I admit Ive had them too. I feel so angry for him leaving me here alone, I cry and yell at him, and God....asking why did you do this to me ? I realized, what I was doing...I think Im feeling sorry for myself ! So I have tried to change my thoughts and emotions about this all....I still have sadness, but its getting less. I speak to the Angels.... they are messengers to God, and they surround us , always....I asked them to take my sadness, and my grief. To help me be positive and strong. And its working.....I had to change my mindset. But it will only happen when YOU are ready. Sending you healing thoughts, and white light.

 

Earlene and YellowEyeDo I always love the depth of feeling and depth that marriages can have. Sometimes it can be seen in a cynical light, The divorce rate or a new couple had a wedding and in a short time, it dissolved. When I have gone to in-person grief groups and most have people with 40 plus years of experience. I tend to want to hear how the love in their marriage was expressed. Just as Hospice will tell use grief is so individual. Our marriage was also so individual. How we take what we had and be with it. It will always be a part of us. It will always inform our lives. Best to you both and all of us.

 

Thankyou Paul. You are right, each relationship is individual, hence the grief is too....yes, I am forever a changed person from mine..

 

Thanks to all of you in this post. I find some comfort in knowing that you understand the very deep feelings of loss we share. It's been two years now and still so very hard. For me, it's been complicated by the loss of all my friends. Empty promises of phone calls, lunches and just spending time together. It's very hurtful to not be included in any social contact no matter how small. This has complicated my recovery process. Have any of you experience this or is it just me. God bless you all.

 

Catt, I am so very sorry for your loss....I am sorry you have also lost friends. I do believe that we need others, to help us by supporting us...friends or even strangers can help us. I pray you will find comfort with others. I did not have any close friends, and family was out of state. I moved back to be near family. There are only a couple of friends of ours that are still around. My family has been my biggest support. Its not been 2 years yet since my beloved passed....we were married 48 years...it was very difficult. I prayed for strength and asked the Angels to take my grief. It has helped me greatly. Just 6 months ago I never thought I would ever recover, but I have....and my belief is that God has a plan for each of us.... hang in there, because when you least expect it, your life will take a beautiful turn....it will happen, just believe it will....sending love and light...

 

Yellow nice post. I think you are right. Life/God will present openings or opportunities to take a step. It is the time in between that can be so unbearable. Some friends, family, or strangers can be so good with us. Others will not and that is our need compared to someones ability to give in the right measure. This is difficult. I have found supportive people here. I feel very much for the new here needing a good listener or comfort. It does get better but so slow at times. I have on many occasions thought I was further along and found that is not the case. Good days and difficult. Forward and back but a little better each cycle. Circumstances have placed a five-pound Yorkie in my care for two months. She is a little bossy and her needs for going out and really being dog social have me meeting other dog-loving neighbors. We take different routes and the little walks give me a chance to be in the neighborhood in a new way. I am helping a friend and receiving at the same time. One month ago I would have no idea this would be the case. The down days are still unbearable at times and still too much. I hope we all find what we need and can endure the unbearable a little bit more.

Best to us all.

Paul M.