Widowed Almost 20 Years

I have a long story and the grief support group I used to belong to is no longer in operation. I've only dated a few times and always "ran" away. Well I have met someone who recently lost their spouse. It is bringing forward grief that I should have had but did not. I can't really talk about these things with anyone, because no one would understand.

I spent just over ten years married. He molested our four year old daughter and possibly our son who was nine. The day he died I'd served him with divorce papers, a no contact order and the police were seeking him for an interview.

So I was not divorced, but widowed. My son's third grade teacher said it is a relief when they kill themselves because you don't have to go to court. That was true. My kids did not have to testify; a process I think is more destructive.

I hated him then. I hate him now. I hate him at the same level I did then, if not worse. My kids are grown and I think they are doing well.

So from that you can probably guess why I have always ran away from the possibility of a relationship. The person I'm getting involved with had a long successful marriage. It is hard for me to relate because of my disastrous "marriage". I'm trying to be supportive, but don't always know what to say. He knows I'm widowed and he knows I refuse to talk about it.

I have massive trust issues.

 

I understand the name you’ve chosen. 10 years of hell and hell in progress. Hi StillInIt. My name is Gary and my girlfriend died suddenly and unexpectedly 19.5 months ago. We were together 9 years. I can’t compare my grief and pain with yours. Mine is a cake walk compared to yours. I’m currently seeing a therapist that works through hospice where I attended grief support meetings. Over time I have built a trust with Laura. I refer to Laura as my healer. Grief recovery is worse than trying to recover from an addiction. Google the 6 Needs of the Mourner. Its a guide to our grief journey. It will help your new friend also. Please please please google Kristin Neff free audios on self compassion. I put it on my home screen. The 5 minute one is the place to start. Please be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Gary

 

You can be supportive without saying anything. Listening is also a form of support. You don't have to compare your marriages because people grieve different anyway. You opened up to us so You'll open up to him if and when you want to. Everything happens for a reason. We can't tell you what to.do.but we'll definitely listen. Take your time get to know each other before rushing anything. You may be what each other need to get through your rough time but time will let you know. Im.praying for your strength with each passing day.

 

Thank you for the referrence to the six needs. Reading that has helped me. Sorry for your loss.

 

Listening is also a form of support. This sentence has helped me so much. When I start to get a little overwhelmed, I repeat it in my head. Thinking about telling him what happened immediately makes me feel upset. I don't know if I can. I don't want anyone to treat my adult kids differently because of what happened. But I also find myself editing. He can tell when I edit.

 

It’s normal that you lose faith to marriage because of your ex-husband, he did a lot of awful things, if you feel you have trust issues, don’t push yourself too hard. I just experienced a lot of things also making me hard to restore trust to certain people. It’s our way to protect us from the dangerous one. I don’t know if it’s really healthy… In this situation, I think we need professional help.