John and Bill,
I'm getting here late but I want you to know how very sorry I am for the death of your spouses. I HATE!!! saying this so much... Words seem so shallow at times , especially now, but since words are all I have, I hope you know how truly sorry I am. I wish so much you didn't have to find us, but so glad you did. You have already "met" some of my GIC friends, Robin, Rick, Gary, Lou, and Bernadine. Finding GIC, and being brave enough to post my first message, was one of the very best things I've done to help myself, since my husband, Bob's, death. This is a wonderful site, filled with so many caring, loving people..., all who totally "get" the heartbreak that both of you..., all of us are suffering from. This has become my safe place to come to whenever I need to "talk," just "listen," want advice, or a virtual hug. It is a judgement free place, take our advice or leave it, do whatever is best for you. We will be here for you no matter what choices you make. I hope you will stick around, get to "know" us, give us the chance to get to "know" you.
Very briefly, like John, I was Bob's full time caregiver from the beginning of 2018, until he passed away on April 11, 2011 at 3:45 a.m. Bob suffered from many serious health conditions, all treated as chronic heath problems, by his medical specialists. He was first diagnosed with diabetes in 2005, on February 3, 2009, he suffered a major heart attack, he was misdiagnosed in 2015 with what we were told was a minor medical issue. By the time he was correctly diagnosed with kidney cancer, it had spread to his vena cava and to his lungs. He had to have one of his kidneys removed in a very long procedure. He almost died on the operating table. Between his first diagnoses and the kidney cancer diagnosis, he was diagnosed with high blood pressure and high cholesterol. Prior to the diabetes diagnosis, when serving in the military, he was diagnosed with hearing loss. The very last diagnosis he received was Parkinson's Disease, but this was during the last year of his life, although several of his specialists thought he suffered from Parkinson's way before he was given the official diagnosis. Being Bob's full time caregiver was one of the most difficult, and challenging things I've ever done. I lost myself in the process. All that mattered to me was doing everything I could to take care of Bob the very best I could. Without hesitation, I would do it all over again if I could. Bob was, and always will be, the one true love of my life. I miss him more than I can ever express in words... I need a tissue...
The biggest thing that kept me going after Bob's death was knowing how much Bob wanted to live, to be on the "right side of the dirt," as he always said. No matter how much pain he was in, Bob found something to be grateful for each and every day that he was on this earth. Life is a gift. I knew then, and know now, that the best way I can honor Bob's memory is by living the best life I possibly can, until it's my time to be reunited with him. I know this would make Bob so proud and happy, just as I believe it would make your spouses, and Ron, Sheila, Cheryl, Linda and Kenn, the one true love of the lives of my GIC friends' who you just met, so proud and happy too.
Living the best life I possibly can now that Bob is no longer able to be with me physically, is the second most difficult and challenging thing I have to do. I know Bob's death has changed me, I'm not the same person I was prior to his death, or even prior to Bob becoming sick. I'm slowly learning where I fit into this world without being part of a couple, but it SUCKS!!! I'm trying to rediscover who I am, my purpose in life, but this is a very slow process. Lou, who you just met, recommended two very good books to us, the first is "Permission To Mourn: A New Way To Do Grief ,"by Tom Zuba, and the second is "The Widower's Notebook," by Jonathan Santlofer. Tom Zuba wrote a second book called, "Becoming Radiant: A New Way To Do Life Following The Death Of A Beloved. Tom Zuba's wife, his daughter, and one of his son's died. Jonathan Santlofer's wife, Joy died. While all three books are excellent, I found Zuba's books to be the most helpful for me. I keep copies of his books on my nightstand and refer to them often. They are short and very easy to read. This is a good thing, since I have what Gary already mentioned, that widow foggy brain!!! Santlofer's book is very sad, it's basically a biography written about what he went through after Joy's death. There are many chapters in his book that I can relate to. Both Zuba and Santlofer found ways to move forward, to keep healing, and have found meaning and happiness in life. The advice in these books is priceless. One last thing, Lou doesn't recommend reading Jonathan's book before bed. It's very sad and can be hard to read at times.
I'm way beyond exhausted, both physically and emotionally. Grieving would suck all the life right out of me if I let it. It's a daily struggle with Mr. Grief (Gary already told you that another GIC friend, Karen, referred to grief in this way, and she had such a wonderful way of expressing herself, that now, all of us refer to grief, as Mr. Grief). Stopping here (for now). Once I start "talking," sometimes I can keep right on going and going and going, outlasting even that "Energizer Bunny."
Once again, I'm so very sorry you had to find us, but so glad you did. I'm looking forward to getting to "know" the you much better.
Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
Click to expand...