Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Daisy171, Apr 25, 2023.

  1. Daisy171

    Daisy171 Well-Known Member

    I just don't understand why the world is set up so there is so much suffering. Unless spouses die simultaneously in an accident, one will outlive the other and suffer terrible grief. Why is that necessary? I wish there was a switch where you could switch off grief and even memory for a few moments when you really needed to. You wouldn't want to forget your loved one, but it would be nice not to be in intense pain every moment as I am. The grief and guilt is overwhelming me and I always feel like crying. I am not doing well at the everyday things that I need to do. Any suggestions or answers would be appreciated
    Sweetcole, DEB321, Rose69 and 2 others like this.
  2. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Daisy. I went through the agony of
    survivor's guilt and the constant need to
    cry, like you are, after my wife, Linda
    died over 4 yrs ago.I had to see a grief
    counselor, bc it was so difficult for me
    to cope with my sadness, loneliness,and
    inability to function and interact with other
    people . I know we've discussed this, but
    have you been able to find a grief
    counselor, or support group?. If not, I'm
    glad you decided to stay with us on this
    site, at least. Lou
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  3. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Daisy, That switch you wish we had. Wouldn’t that be wonderful. Just to get some peace. What helped me the most when I felt like you’re feeling is to make myself move. Get blood flowing. And get outside and breath in fresh air. Fresh air is so good for us. I don’t know where in NY you are, I’m on Long Island. It’s pretty cool and a little damp today but I plan to get fresh air. I hope your weather is good to be outside even if for just a short time. Getting everyday things done is hard. I always had a list to help me. So I’d go outside then when I came back in I’d try to do something on my list. I know brushing your teeth your hair doing dishes whatever it is feels like climbing a mountain. Add everything to your list including get fresh air. Add every little thing so you can feel you’ve accomplished something cause things get checked off. Try to take care of yourself. You’re important. You should let yourself cry it helps. I had A ton of guilt and wanted to cry all day every day. Wasn’t eating and not sleeping. This is the hardest thing to experience and try to get through. And that’s why we struggle. We miss the wonderful life we had. Eventually the memories will bring a slight smile then a full smile. But this takes time. Right now I’m guessing memories bring tears. I’m in a better place now. But not the person I was and I still struggle. There’s so many ups and downs to go through. And you never know when they’ll happen it just does. How is your son doing with the loss of his Dad. I hope he talks about him. Talking or writing about them is so very helpful. Sending you hugs Daisy. Robin
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  4. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Summer, as usual, since our soulmates
    died about same time over 4 yrs ago, I
    agree with every word of comforting
    advice you gave to Daisy. Like you, I'm
    looking forward to the warmer temps of
    summer, our favorite season, and hence,
    my nickname for you! Lou from
    Lobsta ( as we pronounce it here) Land
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  5. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thanks Lobsta Lou, Always good to hear from you. I had 80 a while back for 2 days. Now it’s cold again and just started raining, my heat is running. So ready for warm weather and the beach. I haven’t been on here much lately. Trying to catch up some. There’s been some drama from my sister lately that’s been rough on me. She’s difficult to deal with, between her stress and the fluctuating temperatures my joints aren’t feeling so good. It will pass. Just takes time. Here’s some spring flowers I have blooming. Warmer days will be here eventually. Summer.

    Attached Files:

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  6. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Thank you,Summer, for the colorful,
    beautiful pictures. I've noticed flowers on
    my walks, and love hearing the cheerful
    chirping of birds, though have yet to see
    my first ( your namesake!) robin, of
    spring. Sorry to hear about your sore joints, probably made worse by your
    PITA ( pain in the ass) sister , if you don't
    mind my saying so. Lou Travolta from
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  7. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Haha! Thanks for the smile. I’ll pass that on to my brothers and daughter. They’ll love it! PITA. Sadly it’s totally accurate. I’ve seen a lot of robins. They’re coming your way. Keep watching. Wish I had taken a picture. There were a couple just past my deck a little while ago. I have a lot of flowers blooming. I love springs rebirth of nature. Sure would be nice if it was warmer. Thank you for caring about my pain. I’m sure my PITA sister is a big part of it. I’m going to go do what I shouldn’t which is sit. But Ill get moving every so often. Summer
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  8. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Yes, Summer, please try to walk,even if
    it's a short distance, in the yard,with
    Teddy. Being sedentary shortens one's
    life, and I believe led to Linda's decline. Lou
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  9. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thanks Lou. I never sit for long. I’m sitting more today cause I’m in pain. This is unusual for me. In fact I’m taking Teddy out now and my daughter is bringing her dachshund for them to play. It’s her dogs 2nd birthday. Robin
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  10. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    That's the spirit, Summer! As with
    George's dialysis, I can't imagine how I'd
    deal with that pain. I know that I'm careful
    walking ( without Linda's cane now), bc,
    at my age, the last thing I need is a
    broken hip, which would end my career
    as Lou Travolta....
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  11. JackieH1029

    JackieH1029 Active Member

    The grief and guilt comes in waves. I'm learning to anticipate my waves and know that I'll fight through it. Try and have a go to friend who you can call and calm down. Another way is to 'journal' = write down your feelings, Keep pouring it out. If you can set aside an hour or two to get with your feelings and memories,,,it might help. And finally get out of your residence...get some fresh air, walk around and spend some of this pent up nervous grief energy. Also exercise will help you release endorphins ...the happy hormones...which might help counter the excess grief. Finally, try to eat foods you love.
    Sweetcole and Rose69 like this.
  12. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    Thank you for sharing the very pretty pictures of spring flowers blooming in your yard. It just stopped raining in my corner of the world, and seeing those beautiful flowers, brought some much wanted sunshine into my life.

    Although I'm getting here late, so sorry to hear that you've been in pain, and as Lobsta Lou said, some of it probably a result of your pita sister. I hope Slinky had a very happy second birthday. Give him a BIG!!! hug from me... I'm sure you, your daughter, and Teddy, made Slinky's 2nd birthday a very special, memorable day.

    I hope you're feeling better today, and have a relaxing evening...

    As always, sending you, Teddy and Slinky, lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  13. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I don't have anything to add to the excellent advice Lou and Robin have already given you. Just sending you the BIGGEST!!! virtual hug I can, all the way from TUTTAMVILLE.

    Sending lots more hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB & Skye
    JackieH1029, Rose69 and Van Gogh like this.
  14. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    Your grief is still knew. Take care of you! Taking care of yourself can seem hard but its important. It can be a s simple as Robin said get some fresh air. Take lots of deep breaths. Did you ever try writing a letter to your love expressing what you feel. Sometines its just good to get it out even if just writing it down. Take it one day at a time and pray for strength. You'll get stronger with each passing day.
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  15. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you Deb,

    I’m being careful with my joints. It takes time to feel better. This time of year is always difficult. Once the season changes I should be good. Fluctuating temperatures is not good. Then add my pita sister to the mix. I’ll get past it in time.

    Glad you enjoyed my spring flowers. They make me smile every time I walk by and I’m seeing new flowers each day. It’s dark cold and damp today.

    Yes, Slinky was spoiled on his birthday. He had a great day. Extra treats and new toys. Teddy got spoiled too.

    Hope you’re getting that much needed sunshine! Hugs to Skye! Hope you’re doing well. Robin
    Rose69, DEB321 and Van Gogh like this.
  16. Daisy171

    Daisy171 Well-Known Member

    My son barely talks about his dad. I told him that if he doesn't deal with it and mourn now it will hit him later, maybe years from now, and may be much worse. He said he is mourning, but he mourns differently than I do. He is a musician and his teacher said that musicians often express their feelings in their music. I think that is correct because I hear the mourning in the music at times coming from his room. Also, my son is a true believer in God and in the afterlife, so he has faith that dad is watching over him and is still present in his life. They were very close.
    RLC, DEB321, Van Gogh and 1 other person like this.
  17. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    I'm sure you're right Daisy, it's a relief being able to express one's feelings through music when it's too painful to just talk about them. I'm glad for your son that he can do this, you must be proud of him being a musician, I think it's a wonderful profession, and his dad will always be watching over him, just like your son believes he will.
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  18. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Daisy, you and Rose have touched me with
    your acknowledgement of the power of
    music for the soul. As I've said before,
    for months after Linda died, I couldn't
    listen to ANY song without weeping. One
    morning, over coffee, I had enough of the
    cruel silence, and played a song on my
    Smart Phone, which I had liked before I
    met Linda. It's my favorite blues song,
    bc of its' beat and sassy tone of a man
    who fears nothing: Hootchie Cootchie
    Man, by Muddy Waters. I found myself
    dancing around the room, in my
    apartment. Now, I'm in a drum circle
    with both friends and strangers. The
    suspense is that we never know who will
    show up. It's a form of meditation, with a
    Native American sound, at times. Even
    more astounding, is the fact that I'm out
    dancing 'til past midnight, Thurs-Sun,
    without drinking ( like I used to) with my
    buddies and also women dance partners,
    who have taught me moves.,like how to
    twirl. Most of the dances are fast, but
    sometimes slow. The slow dances were
    awkward for me in the beginning, bc I
    felt I was "cheating" on Linda. We had a
    talk once, when she became ill. She had a
    premonition of her death, and made me
    promise to be healthy, to try to be happy,
    and even to find another woman after she
    was gone. I didn't want to hear it. The fact
    is that after 25 yrs of marriage to my
    soulmate, Linda, I don't want to get
    married again. If I were to be involved
    with another woman, I'd want her to have
    her own place. Intimacy is not even on my
    top 10 list. I'm content to enjoy dancing with my female friends, who hug me upon
    greeting me, and even with strangers, who
    smile along with me, when I twirl them
    around. I just had a pang of guilt that one
    of the first dates Linda & I had, was at
    the House of Blues. We danced when we
    dated, but not often enough, like she
    wanted, after we got married. As DEB
    would say, F*CK MR.GRIEF. Linda said
    she wanted me to be happy. As I call
    myself, on and off GIC: Lou Travolta
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  19. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Daisy, It does sound like your son is mourning in a different way. Using his music to mourn I’m thinking is probably as helpful as talking it out. Possibly easier because there are times when it’s hard to say the words out loud. You’re a good Mom to your son and he let you know he is mourning but in a different way. The communication is there. I’m also believe that Ron is watching over me like your son believes his Dad is watching over him. It does bring some peace.