Who is this woman I see in the mirror.?

Discussion in 'Loss of Both Parents' started by Proudaughter, Dec 31, 2019.

  1. Proudaughter

    Proudaughter Member

    I’m so grateful that I found this site. Finally, I can read others stories and grieve without guilt.
    I no longer recognize myself in the mirror. I see an aging sad woman that doesn’t belong.

    Hello, I am 49 years old. 4 and half months ago I had parents. Mom died on 8/25/19 and dad died 0/5/19. Parents that I absolutely adored. My mother was 67 and stepfather was 84. Mom had ovarian cancer for 9 years. Dad had Alzheimer’s for 2 years. Mom literally starved to death and I held her during her last hours of life. Watched the woman that I loved and admired die right before my eyes. Then my dad died 2 and half weeks later. I was with him during his last hours of life. Theyare gone. The deep sadness that I feel is incomprehensible. I need help. I can’t believe my mother is gone. My father is gone. I have been so busy dealing with their estate, I haven’t had a real moment to actually grieve. Or maybe I have. I don’t know anymore. I’m devastated beyond words. I have flash backs of seeing my mom staring at me. Giving hermorphine as directed by hospice. Watching her take her last labored breathes. Watching a tear roll down her face. As she passed. Getting her a pretty robe to be taken out by the crematorium. Seeing her dead on her bed without sheets, with her hands across her chest. Touching her feet and they where ice cold and pale. Kissing her forehead. Hearing them put her in a body bag and wheel her out with a blanket covering her.
    2 weeks later flying back to California from Texas to see that my father had given up and his last words where I love y....watching him for 4 days with that god awful death raddle
  2. taylormary11

    taylormary11 New Member

    I am so incredibly sorry. I know how those memories stick in your mind and traumatize you.
  3. Proudaughter

    Proudaughter Member

    Thank you for your kind response. I did contact the Hospice representative and requested that I receive counseling. I just can’t get past this part of the grieving process. I feel stuck and drowning in this painful memory of my mother. It’s hard enough not having her or my dad here to love. I wish that I would have wittiness a more peaceful passing. Administering her morphine myself then the hospice nurse giving my mother her last dosage has me questioning if I gave her to much or not enough. Was she aware of my presence and holding her. She wanted to sit up and then she collapsed in my arms. She struggled to tell me she needed to throw up. I didn’t know what she was saying then. After she passed and the nurse went to change her clothes, my mother was put on her side. Then all of the accumulated bile and fluids came out of her mouth. She drowned in her own stomach fluids. If I would have known that she had a NG machine next to her bed that would have suctioned that out, I would have made sure she was cleared out. At least making her transition a little less traumatic. She fought until she couldn’t move. Oh it hurts
  4. Emerginglight

    Emerginglight Member

  5. Emerginglight

    Emerginglight Member

    Proud daughter, my mum died of ovarian cancer too. It happened last year. And is something I will never forget. Hospital and hospice experiences were traumatic and her suffering still gives me nightmares...I can understand some of what you are going through...Also, My dad died about 15 years ago. So now I’m an adult orphan. I feel like I’m walking in a dream, waiting for someone to tell me to wake up...I miss my mum so much and feel terrible about the way she died.
    Anyway, Welcome to this place...I’m so sorry that you are travelling this road of tears. God bless you!
    Proudaughter likes this.
  6. Proudaughter

    Proudaughter Member

    Thank you for sharing your story. I guess I’m still either in denial or shock. I have all of my parents beautiful belongings in a rented apartment. That I don’t live in. My son needed to be in a different school zone to go to a much higher ranked high school and the amount I have been paying for the last 4.5 months for units..,the apartment is cheaper and help my son immensely. I’m now waiting for the rest of their belongings from movers I hired. I keep thinking that my parents are going to return therefore I don’t want to let go of anything. I’m crazy but hurting and have no idea how to emotionally deal with the reality.
  7. Jaenette

    Jaenette Member

    I feel your pain. I am going through similar. Parents died within 3 weeks of each other. I am broken. both were unexpected. My dad died with me and I found my mom passed away ... it makes me sad she was alone. What I saw i wudnt wish on my enemy. They were great parents, my mom was basically perfect. She was 68 and dad was 74. They passed November 2019. Not sure how to get through this. I am lost and devastated. And its sad how life just goes on...

  8. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Jaenette, losing the ones who raised us and helped guide us through life is never easy to face and overcome. You have to take the time to open up as much as you are able, and eventually this cloud of grief you are under will start to lessen.

    Try not to blame yourself, things happen in life we have no control over. We each have to take time to heal. It won't be easy, and there are no easy answers for each of us. All you can ask of yourself, when we feel sad and lonely, reach out to others, tell them why you are in pain, others will in turn reach back to you.

    Don't ever forget all those wonderful memories you had with your parents. All those times you spent with them during holidays. All the hugs and kisses you shared. All the guidance they gave to you as you grew up.

    Feeling lost and lonely is natural after loss. Please don't withdraw, keep talking to others as you are doing, it will help you and those you are talking with as well. You and others just need time to open up to yourself, and to others. In the long run, your heart will feel better, your mind will feel clearer and you might change your outlook on life.

    Peace be with you

    Jaenette likes this.
  9. Jaenette

    Jaenette Member

    Thank you for your message
  10. TDHawk

    TDHawk Guest

    My heard goes out to you. I was there with my stepmom (dad and I cared for her through hospice) and dad during their final moments... w in a couple of years. And have had to take care of estate things as well. It is so hard, I know. It is good to hear that hospice has helped you, they also helped me. grateful to have found this site, and to receive and lend support and encouragement with others who are experiencing similar grief.