As I was signing up for an account I was thinking how good it would feel be able to share my thoughts and such with others going through the same thing as me. Now as I type this I'm thinking this is not good at all. In fact it's unbelievably horrific that I share the same bond with a person who's spouse died. I'm wondering how in the hell is this my life?!? But I'm here and there's no denying the reality of what brought me here. On June 15th my husband died very suddenly. It was Tuesday morning. He got up, made coffee, took the dogs out to the backyard, let them back inside then he got in the shower. Just like any other morning. On some days we'd get out of bed at the same time but sometimes he'd wake quietly and let me enjoy the covers a few minutes more. This was one of those mornings. I saw him as he went into the bathroom. I heard the water running as he showered. Then the shower door opening and closing as he got out. I know he dried off because the towel he used is still hanging on the hook he placed it on afterwards. Seconds later he was unresponsive on the floor. Just over an hour later in a small hospital room I sat with 3 of our 4 children and my mil as a doctor apologized. The autopsy showed 3 blockages that caused a single massive heart attack. He was 44 years old. We had just celebrated our 10 year anniversary. We became very good friends in 1991 and graduated high-school together. After that we took paths in different directions that led us back to one another in 2009. Both with children, both divorced and both with life experiences that had left us with a full understanding of what we wanted in a partner to share the rest of our lives with. We made it a point to out-love one another every chance we were given, not only with words but our actions as well. The only comfort to me now is knowing there aren't any unanswered questions about our love for one another. I don't recognize the place I live in anymore. Everything seems foreign and I've been left alone to find my way back without any map or direction. I don't even know 'where' back to is. Everything hurts. The pain is physical and real. I look in the mirror and see myself and it feels as though there should a gaping bleeding wound in my chest where my heart once was. I miss him so much that I don't even know how to say it with words.
I’m so sorry for the loss of you husband. I am glad you signed up here. This site has helped me so much. It was almost a year after Ron passed suddenly that I found this site. I was not in a good place at the time. You’ll find that the people here understand everything you’re going through and feeling. You’ll feel a little less alone. Your loss was very similar to mine. I lost my husband in 2 short hours. We were watching tv together, and all the sudden he didn’t feel well, like a stomach virus. He threw up and started to feel better but as he was standing up he started screaming in pain. I asked where he hurts. He put his hand on his heart. 2 hours later in the emergency room I lost the love of my life to a massive heart attack. Nothing in my life is the same, like you I don’t recognize this new life I had thrown at me. We were together 24/7, we owned a business together that I had to close. We were together 44 years, married 41. It’s hard, lonely and scary. Visit this site often and read and share stories, it is helpful. Get fresh air and don’t push yourself too hard. You’re so right that there are no words to explain the pain. But everyone on this site knows the pain, you’re not alone. I hope you have support from family and friends and accept anything they offer. Keep your kids close, you all need each other. Things do get better, keep working towards better days.
I’m sorry about your loss. I’m sure it will take time to get over the shock let alone deal with grief. I think I spent a year in a disconnected state before I really felt that this wasn’t just a passing thing. I’m still trying to figure it all out. Be gentle with yourself.
