Was the dating game always this difficult?

My husband of 25 years passed away a year and a half ago, suddenly due to an automobile accident. I've dating (or hung out) with a couple of men since then but they all seem to be players. Now I've met a seemingly good man and I just can't relax about the whole dating situation. I'm finding myself waiting for him to hurt me (emotionally, not physically). My extended family and friends are trying to be supportive but I know they miss Butch and talking to them just feels awkward. My son doesn't like me dating but said his dad would want me to do whatever I had to in order to survive and would approve of me dating someone good to me. But... he doesn't want to meet him or talk about it. My daughter refuses to meet him or acknowledge him and will only speak to me to line up a sitter for her daughters. She does let the granddaughters go places with us, when she needs a sitter, and they've accepted him.
We've been dating, seriously, 5 months now. Seriously as in I've spent every weekend from Friday after work till Monday before work with him for 5 months. I've gone to his house randomly throughout the week and spent a couple of whole weeks with him when one of us doesn't have to work. We've been on three vacations together and about to take one for Valentine's day. I've met a lot of his friends and all of his family, except his dad who had dementia and passed away last week. At his funeral his sister even had me sit with the family and he made sure I walked in with him.
But... we don't have any labels. He introduces me as "Carol". He never calls me his "girlfriend" or anything like that. He made one very sceptical comment about "before we were...dating..." like he struggled with classifying us as dating. I've told him that I love him twice. Once when I was drunk and about to fall asleep, once when hanging up the phone (it slipped out, "bye, I love you"). He chucked and said "I love you too". That's the only term of endearment from him. He's called me every single night that we're not together for the past 5 months, right before bed. He and his family have talked about four women in his life (his 1st wife that he married at 18 and divorced 5 years later, his 2nd wife that he was married 23 years and she cheated on him numerous times before they divorced, a girlfriend in between that his family never mentions and a woman two years ago that his family doesn't like and he wouldn't call "dated her" even though he did mention it had been 5 years without a woman in his life.)
He's given me no reason to feel insecure or doubt his intentions, but he really hasn't given any intentions. We haven't really been dating that long to even declare intentions. We have a lot of fun together and get along really well. He's gentle and kind. Why can't I just relax and enjoy this???

 

Can I relate! I think the difference between years ago and now is having children. Regardless of how we're treated by them they are still our children. We would like to have their approval and at least understanding. It's been two years since my wife passed and my daughter, like yours, doesn't want to hear about it or talk about it or discuss it. She's the only family I have and her opinion matters to me regardless of how much I fight that feeling I've got to have it.

Sorry, I have no idea what to do about it and but provide some amount of consolation that it's "normal".

 

Dating again, knowing when it's time feels hard and also taboo. Talking about your personal needs separate than your role as widow/widower and mother/father is complicated. I think wanting to be with someone knew is normal and also being exhausted at the possibility of having to start all over again is also normal. Then, how to just relax after experiencing death, well that's another story. I think it's important to try to have fun and enjoy love, wherever you can get it. We are so scared to love, to love again, love, love, love! One thing I'm learning is that love without expectation, living in the moment can be important. We can all go at any minute, and we only have the now

 

We all need to remember love doesn't divide it multiplies. We know from having our children that the second one does not mean we love the first any less. I think love is life and life is love. Without love, all kinds...family, brotherly, platonic, romantic... we feel deeply that "we have no life". I may not yet be ready for another romantic love but am soaking up all the family and brotherly love I can get!

 

I am so glad that you found someone I am going through a similar thing but the guy I am talking to is divorced with 2 kids but I am falling for him he is taking it slow I am also afraid of getting hurt but I am just careful and honest with this guy so far its okay . He sounds like a good man good luck .

 

I don't know. At roughly 7 months I've accepted that my wife Doris will never be here again in this dimension of life. I hope to see her one day when I pass but for this life I will never talk to her again, hug her, or look into her beautiful blue eyes. I'm alone caring furor special needs son and have no real or meaningful adult connection. I do the grief chats and do a support group on Facebook but I often go days without talking with an adult face to face. My loneliness led me to begin to chat with a woman from the Facebook Group who lives maybe 50 miles away and I lent her a small amount of money. I don't expect to get it back and don't really care but now all of a sudden she's busy and doesn't return my messages very often. I offered the money so she didn't scam me but I do feel taken advantage of after all her complaining. We never met face to face but I know she is a real person and lives where she says. I'm 71 and she is in her 50s but it does demonstrate the problem with trying to interact in the romantic scene today. I'm just not attracted to women in their 70s and at that age most either do't want anything to do with men or are looking for an instant relationship which I'm not interested in having. I still love my wife but how does one proceed with riding female friendship these days? I don't want to do a dating profile either.

 

I'm hoping that you didn't make the same mistake I did and rush into anything just bc the loneliness seems unbearable and your security is just gone. I was so very insecure before I met my husband. He was the reason I was truly loved for me. Then like you after 20yrs I lost him. I thought now what am I going to do. I am back to being unloved and alone. The thing was I have God he never left me and that young girl I was didn't have that kind of wisdom. I also decided that I could be old and bitter and alone or try to find someone that could be a good father later on to my kids. Because I am not the type that wants to do this on my own. Things are better when you have someone to share them with. Not just for me but for our kids. I shouldn't have rushed. It cost me alot of heartache. I needed to find who I am now and learn what I wanted and what I liked. I also needed to go back to God. Build my relationship with him first. I was lucky to have met someone that I wasn't at all ready for. I realized that you can't just jump into something. It will have a weak foundation. I had to build my foundation on God. I am still growing. Maybe you found a good man your just not ready for it to be more yet. Build yourself up and maybe you will find that you aren't with the right person or you just weren't ready yet. No one can love you better than God. If you don't know him and his love that never fails you will never understand what true love is. After all the failures and scams I found a man that prays with me. That prays for me. Has worked on always building a relationship with the strongest foundation. We put God first bc he is the center of our foundation. I have done devotionals on dating through Fun & Holy. It's how I knew that I was with the right guy finally and it's the first Christian dating devotional I have run into that helps me know what a good relationship should look like. Now we are doing a oneness challenge. It was for married couples but it has helped us as we prepare for marriage in the future. Praying for each other is the most intimate thing that you can do. If you let God write your story it'll be so much better than you ever thought it could be. It's worth working on you no matter where you are. If you don't know God or don't think you want to I like to share this. A university did a study on reading the Bible. If you just read the Bible 4 times a week depression drops by 40%. No pills and only the best side effects. If you have addictions to anything they can drop by 60% if you just read a Bible 4 times a week. I don't know of any other book that can do that. No programs or broken promises to deal with either. What does anyone stand to lose? Nothing really. No matter what you decide. I wish you only the best.