Unexpected loss of grandfather

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by Marisa, Apr 28, 2018.

  1. Marisa

    Marisa New Member

    Hi everyone. I'm new here. I know lots of you have experienced such significant losses, and I feel like maybe I am just being ridiculous for having such strong feelings about my grief over losing my grandfather, but here is the story:

    The day after Thanksgiving 2016, I got a phone call from my mom around 11:00am. It's unusual to get a phone call from my mom that early on a holiday, so I knew something was wrong. She told me that my grandfather passed away, unexpectedly, while he was home alone. My grandmother and aunts were out Black Friday shopping. They arrived home to him on the floor, bruised and bleeding. My grandfather was everything to us. The kindest, most giving man, most empathetic and amazing man in the world. There's not a day that goes by when I don't think of him, and even now, I randomly sob wondering if he's in a better place.

    The whole thing has shaken my 12 years of Catholic school and Catholic upbringing. I'm really struggling and engaging in somewhat destructive behavior. My anxiety is at an all time high. I just miss him terribly, and I know that my mom is having a very difficult time as well.

    If there is anyone who could offer some coping mechanisms I could use or any uplifting words of support, I would greatly appreciate it. I deal with death terribly. I was 28 when I lost my first grandparent. I was 31 when I lost my second, and 34 when I lost my grandfather that I speak of today. I am lucky to have had them for so long, but it makes my grief that much more intense. Please help.
  2. Lori DiCristina

    Lori DiCristina New Member

    Hi there I’m so sorry for the loss of your grandfather I know the pain of loosing such and important person in your life...unfortunately. I lost my both my grandmother and my aunt to pancreatic cancer my grandmother was 62 and my aunt was 40. I came on this site to share there story and let there memory live on. My grandmother was an immigrant from Italy she was a saint of a woman, she truly cared for everyone and treated society with kindness and respect. When I was born I immediately was attached to her the love we had for one another was and forever will be umbreakable. My aunt was born in Brooklyn and loved life. She made the best out of everything. When she wanted something she got it, when someone told her no she did it, and when someone underestimated her she proved them wrong. When my grandmother passed she became the one I was extremely close with. She ended up in a really toxic relationship and before she realized it was toxic she married him. After they were married he abused her— physically and mentally. One day she got fed up and left a week later her husband overdosed and died in a car. She put his death on her and went into a depression. It took her a good 2 years to fully get out of it and almost immediately she was diagnosed. From a very young age (4 to be exact) I watched my grandmother waste away in a bed to nothing and as each day went by What I didn’t think could get worse did. I never got to say goodbye and it haunts me to this day. At the very end I was almost afraid of what she became. My aunt was even worse when she died she was practically anorexic and had no color—I was older at this point so I understood more. Years after her passing I started to resent god- I am also catholic now and I don’t resent him anymore because I have gotten older and tried to understand his plan. But anyway I thought to myself how could something so good cause me so much pain. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? And you know what I do have more faith in god know but from time to time I do question why this had to happen. To this day I suffer from deep depression spells and anxiety. There are days I don’t leave my house to go out with friends because I physically can’t nor do I want to. There are nights I cry myself to sleep longing them to return. With those bad nights there are some good though and there are days I feel depressed just not as much where I force myself to go out and those are the nights that end up good. I have to say my friends are definitely good at keeping my mind occupied but nobody truly understands. It’s a feeling of being alone with nobody to have a future with. I can’t say it gets better because over the years it has gotten worse especially at major life events knowing you aren’t going to look in the audience and have them cheering you on is crushing. But some advice to keep busy is to try your hardest to invest time in things that involve your mind to think like a puzzle or a word search, go out with friends but don’t over push yourself, maybe even read a book. I can never tell you these feelings will go away because love is not something that diminishes over time but I can say that there are ways to cope you just have to see what works best for you. I’m sending my deepest regards to you and I hope you feel some sort of relief knowing another person is experiencing a similar situation.
  3. PatriciaM19

    PatriciaM19 New Member

    I don’t think you’re being ridiculous at all. I los my grandmother 2 months ago and it still doesn’t feel real. I’m struggling with feelings of denial and I cry pretty much every day. We were very close. She was my confidant and one of the greatest people I ever knew. I wish she could have lived long enough to see me get married, but cancer had other plans. I’m 26 now and hoping it gets easier as time goes on
  4. Marisa

    Marisa New Member

    Thanks so much for your kind words. Just to clarify, the "self destructive behavior" is just not getting enough sleep as I should, not eating very well, not exercising, not making sure my house is neat and tidy. I used to do all those things. Just not doing the things I should as an adult.

    I'm so sorry for both of your losses. Grief always has me wondering if there really is an afterlife. I never questioned the existence of God before I lost a family member. And I really don't know anyone else who grieves like this and for so long. Or maybe they just don't admit it; I'm not sure.

    Hearing their voices in my head but knowing I'll never hear them again in real life is very difficult. Makes me feel scared that I'll forget.

    I really appreciate you responding here and for validating my feelings. It sounds as though both of you have suffered tremendous losses, and it's helpful for me to know that I'm not alone in my grief.
    Youngblood likes this.
  5. Youngblood

    Youngblood New Member

    I’m so so sorry to hear about the passing of your grandfather. I don’t think it’s ridiculous that you’re still grieving; we all grieve differently and you need to take however long you need! I lost my grandmother last January to lung cancer. It was stage 4 with Mets to the brain, esophagus and other areas by the time she was diagnosed. Passed away 17 days later after suffering a stroke, which also took her communication abilities :( she did pass in her own home for which i am thankful. Anyway take the time you need to grieve. They say there are stages and i believe it to an extent but there’s also an individual process for each of us and o oh you will know how to navigate through. Grief lasts as long as love lasts so i believe I’ll forever grieve my mother and grandmother. As long as you don’t stay down is what matters. I have the behavior issues that you have. Just wanna sleep all day, don’t have energy or patience for anything, and just wanna sit and cry all day sometimes. But i pray about it and give it to God. He’s who helps me through. I pray you find peace and a way to get through each day! Message me anytime you need!
  6. MissAdalay

    MissAdalay Member

    Everyone, I am so sorry for all of your losses. I lost my grandpa May 11th, 2016, and his two year death date is arriving this Friday. I'm terrified of what I'm going to do. My grandpa was everything to me. He battled COPD for many, many years, as long as I can remember... I watched it slowly take over his life and it became more difficult to watch as I got older and staryed realizing his fate. May 11th, 2016, changed my life forever. I had bad chest pains throughout the entire day and I had to go to work that night after school. I texted my mother to ask how "Pa" was doing and she said "he's better." Little did I know what she actually meant. I got home after work that night around 9pm, and my older sister and mother were laying in my mom's bed. I walked in and they looked at me and my mom told me my grandpa passed away around 7am that morning. He had a heart condition known as A-FIB and when he sat up on the side of his bed to go to the bathroom, his heart failed him. He died sitting on the side of his bed. Coping with this has been terribly difficult, but I'm still trying. I find it easy whenever I look through photo albums and go to his grave often. This past Christmas, 2017, I put up a mini Christmas tree next to his grave and dexorated it for him. I also find it easy to talk about it. It hurts me to do so, but I feel like when I talk about it, I cope with the loss a little more each time. This Friday, May 11th, I'm going to his grave and writing him a letter, attaching it to a balloon, and sending it off into the air. I wish you all the best of luck in coping with your losses. Contact me if you need anything. Hugs.