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Trying to cope

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by nehasingh, May 15, 2021.

  1. nehasingh

    nehasingh New Member

    Hello,

    My husband died after a 1.5 year long fight against cancer in November last year. He was only 41 and we had barely started our life together. We met at work and basically became best of friends, he was funny, smart and so kind. We dated for a year before getting married and had the most fun wedding. We moved to the US in 2014, and made such grand plans for our lives together. We bought our first house, adopted a dog and then had our rather goofy little kiddo in 2017.

    He started falling sick in July 2019, random yet persistent cough and cold and was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia. We both decided to give cancer some hell and fought the disease for ever since. In September 2020, for the first time he was cancer free after a stem cell transplant but that joy was short lived and it came back in less than 2 months. We tried chemo again but his doctor's came back saying there was nothing left to try. He decided to exercise his right to die with dignity and died on November 19, 2020.

    It's almost 6 months since and some weeks feel fast and some just excruciatingly slow. I don't know how to live without him, every plan we had was together and now I don't even know what do I want from life. The only thing I know for sure is that I need to make sure our 3 year old son gets the best life possible. I feel terribly lost most days and struggle to find joy or purpose in anything I do. Time doesn't help. With time my sense of loss has only grown, making me realize how truly alone I am. I struggle to be around others or socialize. Hard for me to relate to anyone or even hold a conversation. Most days, I feel fake.

    Sorry, I don't know what I'm looking for or why I chose to be here and write this. I guess I just wanted to say it out loud.
     
  2. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member

    Our Story
    Janet and Bill


    My Beloved wife Janet lost her earthly battle against brain cancer on October 18th, 2019 at 8:40 in the morning. I was at her side, as I was every minute of every day for over a year. Janet was the bravest, and most caring human being that I have ever known. Despite all the pain and physical challenges she faced every day, she was always more concerned about how I was doing. Are you OK? was always the first thing out of her mouth every morning. She knew she was dying with no hope of recovery, but she always put my welfare first.

    If, with your permission, I can now turn back the clock to January of 2019, I will continue with OUR story.

    Janet started having problems with her balance early in January and would fall on occasion. After several trips to the emergency room, she was finally examined by an on-duty brain surgeon who ordered an immediate CT-scan. They discovered a rapidly growing tumor near the area of the brain that controls sight. She had been having a lot of problems with her peripheral vision, and they had to be extra careful if any surgeries were planned, because of the risk for blindness. Despite the danger and because of the urgency, surgery was scheduled the next morning. They drilled a hole in the back of Janet’s skull and tried to carefully vacuum out the cancer. They failed to get it all, due to the close proximity of the vision area of the brain and the tumor. They then tried radiation treatments (5 days a week for 16 weeks). At this point we still had a glimmer of hope, which was soon dashed when, after the radiation treatments, we were told there were no other pathways to a successful result, and my beloved Soulmate Janet was going to die... There was nothing we could do now but to accept what they predicted.

    We were then transferred to hospice care and I assumed the role of full-time caretaker, but she could, at least, stay at home. After a few weeks Doctors decided that Janet should go on 24-hour bedrest with a catheter and all (she hated that catheter) At that point, I had lost 50 pounds, and my clothes no longer fit, but Hospice still allowed me to move into Janet’s room and to sleep in a chair that folded out into a makeshift bed so I could continue to be close to her 24/7.

    When I was caring for Janet at home, she slept in a recliner in our living room, and I crashed within arm’s length of her on the corner of the couch next to her chair, so I could be available to help her to the bathroom, or if she needed assistance for anything. I never left her side, nor did I want to. Her nearness gave me strength. The Hospice volunteers and staff became our family. I will be forever grateful for their kindness. As time passed, it became more difficult for Janet to chew and swallow her food, so I had to cut up her food and spoon feed her, and eventually, she could only eat pudding or yogurt. I will never forget the grateful look in her eyes when I fed her. That look is one of my most cherished memories. Janet has contacted me since she passed, and I feel her presence often, and her reactions to unseen entities has inspired me to write several songs. She has mentored me from beyond this physical life every single day, and I know I will be with her again when my time on earth is over. The day I first met her was the luckiest day of my life.

    We listened to music together all the time.” Adagio for Strings” by Samuel Barber and Donny Hathaway’s “A Song for You” played while she died. I love and miss her so much it’s impossible to describe. I have learned to exist without her, but I still grieve the loss of US/WE as a pair. I wouldn’t be writing this if not for music, and the written word which saved me. (Thank you Joanie)
     
    nehasingh likes this.
  3. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member

     
  4. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member

  5. Dee Kay

    Dee Kay Active Member

    So sorry for your loss, I'm glad you've made your way to this site and posted your story. I think it helps, I know it's helped me in reading others' stories and posting my own. I'm just over the one year mark and I can tell you that I was still in shock at 6 months, just moving day by day trying to find my way without my husband. Honestly I'm still doing that but now I'm able to think slightly more clear-headed now. It's got to be hard looking after your son on your own while grieving. Your husband was so young, I understand what you mean about every plan you had together. My husband was 54 and we were still planning so much. What keeps me going is finishing some of our plans. My heart goes out to you, I know you don't know how to live without him but you will find your way while also keeping him in your heart.