Trying To Cope. I Miss Him So Much.

Discussion in 'LGBTQ Loss' started by MikeNYC, Apr 6, 2020.

  1. MikeNYC

    MikeNYC Member

    My partner of over 37 years passed away December 24th, 2019 at 1pm. We knew it was coming. He was in home hospice. But I didn't expect it so soon. No one had really given me a reason to. He had been fighting a brain tumor for almost 4 years. We did everything together. He worked in the same building we lived in. I don't know how to move forward. I cry all the time. I struggle just thinking this is real. I can't fathom not seeing him and talking to him every day. And I struggle with guilt. Did I do enough? Why would I be short with him sometimes? I can hear him saying, "Please don't be short with me." and it stabs me in the heart. I was supposed to start with a grief group but because of social distancing, it was cancelled. I do talk to a counselor on the phone. I write him a letter every morning. I talk to him all the time. I know it's still fresh so my feelings probably aren't unusual, but I can't imagine I'm ever going to feel any differently.
  2. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member


    Loss can be so hard to face. We want to deny it happened. We don’t want to believe it could ever happen to us, no not me, never! I am so sorry for your loss.

    Being with someone, while it may be measured in time, is not as imperative and how much they meant to us. There are no good words to cover our loss for the one who meant so much to each of us.

    I wish that was a way that pain could be taken from us all, that the day would reset and things could be back to normal.

    Living with someone in physical pain is hard to comprehend. We also suffer as we witness the decline of the one we care so much for. We can never be prepared to see them pass on.

    I have seen so many losses in my life, from my wife, and many more. I have been with others as they suffered through theirs. It is something that is not forgettable, It will be with us forever in our hearts and mind.

    You are correct talking about this loss is important. We each after loss hold so much inside us like a vessel with a top that must be removed. As time passes we need to open up, talk with those we know, our family, our friends, and even here with complete strangers.

    For the longest time after my wife died I could not get beyond it. It took a moment, a dream and me opening up that finally allowed me to start to heal inside. You are no different in that regard, you need to face your sorrow, and open that vessel and allow your feelings to lessen over time.

    I hope you will keep talking with us. I hope you will find some peace tonight and your days forward. It won’t be easy but it will be worth the effort. Please never give in to despair.


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  3. Samcanava

    Samcanava Member

    Sorry for your loss. I too cry everyday. I work all the time and that is what has helped me but coming to an empty house is the hard part. I too thought I had more time. I still to this day am hard on myself with things I said or should have said. Nooneever tells you on how to be a care giver when a love one was sick I too was short at times but it was mostly because I had no control of what was happening or about to happen. That’s why I’m here to connect with people for at times I feel stuck I always get this feeling that my friends feel I should be at least over the loss or they sometimes pity me. If you ever need to talk, I will be here to listen. Take care of yourself. Never feel ashamed to ask for help.
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  4. MikeNYC

    MikeNYC Member

    Thank you Samcanava. I will be coming back. I am sorry for your loss also. I have lost people in the past. My grandparents who raised me so they were like my parents really and others, but nothing has ever felt like this. I like you feel people think I should be better by now or stronger or something. There here are some who say nothing about it which has been kind of surprising to me. But others have been wonderfully supportive.
    NaSam and skies24 like this.
  5. Samcanava

    Samcanava Member

    I feel the same way. Maybe it was the machismo in me where I thought I would cry for a few days and I would be fine but this has hit home harder that I ever imagined. Mike and I anniversary was last week and it was rough week. This self isolation or distancing didn't help. I had planned a month on going to the casino for its was one of our favorites thins to do but it didn't happen. I have my good days and bad. . I am just going to goat my own pace no matter how long it takes. I know I will never be completely healed but that's okay I just need to talk to people with similar circumstances.
    NaSam likes this.
  6. MikeNYC

    MikeNYC Member

    This self isolation is really making things hard. Stephen is never far from my thoughts and I could easily just cry all day if I let myself. I miss even the things that used to seem like chores. I would gladly do all of them again. All the little rituals of our days are gone and now I just feel like I'm a ghost wandering around our home. I'm trying to accept it and know it will always hurt, but part of me is still "No this can't be true. This can not have happened." I try to stay busy because its the only time the pain eases up a bit.
    NaSam likes this.
  7. Samcanava

    Samcanava Member

    I understand. Work helps me with the loss. Keeps my mind busy from losing Mike. I don't shy away from the pain or letting anyone of my friends and family know that I'm struggling. A good cry helps me center myself and focus what I need to do. I also see a grief counselor every two weeks, but the past two sessions have been over the phone. I'm here if you ever want to talk or vent. Take your time and don't set a time limit on your grief. Take care of yourself and know that there is people out there that care.
    NaSam likes this.
  8. BuffaloAnge

    BuffaloAnge Member

  9. BuffaloAnge

    BuffaloAnge Member

    Hi Mike I read your post and had to reply because I'm going through what you are feeling. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my partner of 53 years 6 months ago I am asking the same questions and having a feeling of guilt like you. Bob was in a hospital for a week for a very open cut on his leg close to his foot. He was there a week and was due to be released 2 days later but the next day he was taken to intensive care and never recovered. I had been visiting at least 2 times a day but had not visited him that day because he wanted me to rest at home and bring his clothes the next day, But then a received a call from the hospital that something had happened and Bob was taken to intensive care. I did not understand the seriousness and when I went to see him, he had tubes to help him breathe. He never regained consciusness and I held his hand and kissed him and laid my head in his c+
  10. KeithVB

    KeithVB New Member

    Hello MikeNYC, I feel your pain as well. I loss my husband of 22 years January 24, 2020. This is my first time reaching out for some sort of help dealing with the pain. I cry all the time, we did everything together. The house is still be same as if he is going to come home any moment. It is very hard. Some of the days have been so hard that I told myself I should get help. I relive every moment of the last day thinking "what if I did this". Jose passed away from liver disease, he went in to the hospital on January 14th for transplant tests - we found out that his heart would not be able to take it. Once the doctor gave him 1 to 6 months I believe he gave up. He came home with hospice on the 22nd and passed away at 3am on January 24th. I love him so much. We were legally married in NYC. I too feel as if I am a ghost wandering around. Keith
    P'town Tony likes this.
  11. BuffaloAnge

    BuffaloAnge Member

  12. Kieron

    Kieron Guest

    Hello, I am new to this site, but not new to grieving. I'm sorry to say the feeling of being a ghost, wandering the house you shared, is a frequent occurrence. After 3 years I don't feel it quite so much, but the sense of emptiness is never far away, and it's easily triggered by gloomy wet days like we have had lately. This quarantine makes it worse, yet at the same time I'm glad he's not here to be at risk. Had it been going on at the time he was in the rehabilitation residence, we'd have been kept apart for his safety. Relief is bittersweet and sits awkwardly with grief, two feelings who don't know what to say to one another.
    NaSam, MikeNYC and glego like this.
  13. Steven Crutchfield

    Steven Crutchfield New Member

    I feel the exact same way. I just lost my partner of 23 years to a very short 4 month battle with cancer. I go and out of the guilt stage. Should I have insisted he go to the doctor sooner when he had that cough? Should I have insisted he eat and drink more so he didn't get dehydrated and spiral out of control at the end? Was I too hard at times when I got frustrated? What about all the fights over the years? Did I add extra stress?? Damn. This is hard. We can't blame ourselves or feel guilty, but we do. I would give up everything just to have him back here even for a bit to hold and talk to. Or even just a year to maybe do all things he loved to do. And why can't I stop crying? When does the pain go away?? I mean, like physical pain because I miss him so much. Everyone keeps saying it takes time, and it does seem to get better, but then... I'll just break down in the middle of store or while driving.
  14. Steven Crutchfield

    Steven Crutchfield New Member

    Seems a lot of us are experiencing the "what if I done this?" I guess/know that's normal...but it doesn' the help the guilt. I hope time does.
    ShellieWannatelli and glego like this.
  15. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    I do the same, did I do enough, did I research enough, etc., also there were the times I was impatient. So many things, I was a caretaker or caretaker lite as I called it, mainly taking care of the meds and household stuff. He was able to do most everything on his own, or sometimes needed assistance. We have to learn to forgive ourselves the notion of perfection needs to go away, it just isn't realistic. Tomorrow is my 7 months without him, some days are better than others, however I still feel like a big part of me is missing, I walk around the house thinking he should be here.

    The what if questions are normal.
  16. MobieDC

    MobieDC Member

    Its been a week for me. 25 plus years. I have no one really.
  17. Jasper

    Jasper Member

    Keith: What you said about going around the house like a ghost resinates with me. I'm like a zoombie, out of place, without spirit, without energy or direction. I'm feeling lost and the house is sooooo empty without his presence. It feels like I'm existing but not living. I don't know if living will ever return. My husband and I were together 24 years and married in Canada in '05. We became so close. I'm asking, "What's left?" I'm getting through one day at a time but it's feeling pretty empty and pointless. I'm keeping myself really busy but what happens when the busyness ends? I just realized a few days ago I'm single. I don't know what to do with 'single'. I don't want to be single. I want my husband back. How do I even relate to people as a "single". I'm so used to him being by my side either physically or emotionally or mentally. We had 6 months from diagnosis of cancer to his death. I'm very grateful for the 6 months and yet it went so fast!! It seems like a whirlwind and the whirlwind hasn't stopped.
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  18. MobieDC

    MobieDC Member

    I relate Jasper
  19. edj9

    edj9 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your post, Mike. People tell me that my husband’s death was not my fault, and that I had done everything I could given limited knowledge and resources. I know these things, but that doesn’t make me FEEL like I did everything I could. I still feel like I let him down. I beat myself up for being strict with his diet and depriving him of the things he liked to eat just a few days before he died, but I also beat myself up for “slipping up” and letting him eat junk food because it made him so happy. It kills me to remember the shouting matches we had because he refused this or that medical procedure. Now, in the silence, I just wish he were still here for me to shout at and fight with. I often don’t have the energy to do much and just lie in bed, too numb to really cry, waiting for the tightness in my chest to subside. Eventually it does for a while, and I can get up and try to pick up the pieces. But that tightness is always there, just below the surface waiting for the odd memory or thought to let it back out.
    NaSam likes this.
  20. MikeNYC

    MikeNYC Member

    BuffaloAnge, I am so sorry. I remember once I had to leave Stephen for awhile in the hospital. He was stable. They had talked about intubating him because he was having a little trouble breathing but it wasn't serious they said. I'm 15 minutes from the hospital. The minute I arrived home the phone rang and they told me they had to intubate him. I know things can change rapidly but I was so angry. I thought, what if they can't remove it and I can never talk to him again. When he wanted to tell me something, I would have him squeeze my hand as I went through the alphabet. We tried him writing but I couldn't decipher it. Once he spelled out "ip hone", I keep saying it over and over before I realized he was asking about his iPhone. Luckily the tube was removed and he was able to talk. Stephen passed at home. It was just him and I. I'm glad I had that time, but I'm greedy, I still want more.