Tragic Car Accident

Hi, my name is Maggie.
My story is a little complicated, and a little unsure, but I wanted to reach out:
My best friend was in a horrific car accident 7 weeks ago, she was T-Boned in her small sedan by a larger Jeep Cherokee, that was going 70 mph. Her car flipped into a ditch, then followed by the Jaws of Life getting her out, and being taken by Medflight to our hospital; fortunately the best in the state for trauma.
To this day, she's in a vegetative state. She's sustained grade 3 DAI, 3 fractured vertebrae, broken pelvis, torn bladder, 2 torn arteries, as well as multiple massive strokes and seizures. She is still missing her skull, due to issues with her brain pressure rising, a shunt and bone flap will be put in at the end of the month. Only being 18, she's young and has better chances than most people, but those chances are slim to none. It is most likely she will not wake up, and in the rare chance she does, she won't be 'living'.

I feel so lost, in my mind I lost my best friend 2 months ago, but she's still alive in a way? How do I grieve, am I even supposed to? If I know this will end in her death is it wrong to mourn before it comes? I haven't been allowed to see her due to covid, I did have the chance to FaceTime her. It was traumatic, I recognized her instantly but I didn't feel her soul there at all. She wouldn't want to live like this, it's not fair to her either. As painful as it is to lose her, I wish it would've happened the day of the crash, she doesn't deserve to be put through this pain.

 

Hi Maggie,

You have every right to feel grief, this is anticipatory grief and such a shock what happened to your best friend, who like you say - you cannot reach in the same way anymore. I'm very sorry both you and her for these tragic events to rip your lives apart. There are many miracles that can happen so who can know how this story can evolve, but sometimes those close can feel intuitively that a loss through death will occur. I had it with my partner this summer. It was an extreme sense of feeling worried. These feelings can sometimes come from a deeper knowing. So absolutely your grief can already start, even if it would just be the grief of the change in your friend's current living state. This is really hard to go through, and especially with the restrictions on visitors. You sound like a caring friend, it must be very difficult not to be able to be present with your friend.

I hope you can find the time to process what this is bringing up for you. There is nothing you aren't allowed to feel, even the wishing it could have been more instant for her instead of a slower process. What I am doing right now, because I also had a complicated leading up to a death of a beloved one, is to write letters addressed to him with all my feelings. This helps me a lot to connect with all the very complex emotions and thoughts. To find more peace and centering within myself, to connect with the grief and give it space.

Be gentle with your heavy heart.

 

Hi Maggie - I'm so sorry for your friend, and for your conflicted emotions. I can't imagine what you're feeling. Be kind to yourself, and don't feel the need to give your feelings an absolute value right now. Grief can be so nuanced, and I think what you're feeling is aligned to the sad circumstances. I agree with the previous commenter -- be gentle with yourself. Praying for all involved.